September 5, 2021

The Man, The Chap

If you asked me what kind of man I had wanted for a lover, I probably would have said someone intelligent, caring, and strong. I’d wish for a man’s man, be that in the fashion of Clint Eastwood or the Marlboro man.

I’ve had my share of lovers, some more in keeping with that image, some in keeping with the bad boy image, and still others who looked like the businessmen they were.

Beloved isn’t precisely the Marlboro man; he can’t even ride a horse. Instead, he will use logic and intelligence to get out of a bind any time over brawn. He does have a black leather jacket, but not one that screams out rebel. He has suits and ties and dress shirts and shoes with tassels. But he never looks ultimately at ease in them.

He is most comfortable in jeans and a casual shirt. However, he is in his element when he is debating or teaching. He is most romantic when he recites poetry or gives voice to the ideas in his mind.

He is nothing like I would have ever thought I wanted and yet is everything and so much more. He doesn’t even know he’s these things.

September 3, 2021

Artistic Images

There is a picture of Beloved that I adore. He’s not alone in it. He has his head thrown back laughing, caution tossed to the wind. There is a glitter body of water behind him. Pia, a former flame, is also laughing with light gleaming off her red hair, streaming in the breeze.

It’s as if this one moment has caught all the happiness and glee in the world for these two and held it always in the picture. It’s a way of bottling it up and saving it forever.

At first, he kept this picture stored away in an album. Then, I came across it one day while helping him pack things up for me to move in. I told him that it was one of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen. You can almost touch the sunlight, feel the breeze on your body, and feel the utter joy these two beings are experiencing.

There are no pictures like this of me. Not just because I wasn’t at sea, but because I’ve never liked how I’ve looked. The list of things wrong with my appearance could probably wrap around the earth and then some. Yet, I am envious of this confidence and comfort with self that both of them have in this picture. I hope that the joy and utter abandonment that he shows in this picture still feels now.

July 25, 2021

Lupus And My Relationship

I can’t count the number of times I’ve sort of stumbled out of bed to get into a hot shower to ease the pain and stiffness in my joints. Beloved told me my stiff gait in conjunction with speed can be comical if not for the fact that he knows I’m in pain during these times.

Beloved has learned that most of the signs and tricks indicate I am in pain, having a flare, or am about to crash throughout our relationship. He’s become a bit of a psychic in that he can predicate the oncoming of a flare and how long or severe it will be. Some of this is from observation and having gone through various things with me over the years. However, some of this is from research and educated guesses.

He may hold a doctorate, however Beloved is not a man of medicine. He never studied biology and is a bit on the squeamish side. However, dealing with my lupus has both desensitized him and provided him with a crash course in biology. However, Beloved is both a good student and an excellent researcher, which works in his favor for mastering my condition and living with me.

July 8, 2021

What If

Sometimes, when it’s still and it seems as if time has stopped, I will watch Beloved sleep and wonder what if. What if a chance encounter, a brief meeting with a mutual friend, hadn’t happened. I wonder what he would be doing if things had been different.

Sometimes, when he has his head buried in a book, I will look at Beloved and marvel at how I’m not just thrilled to have him in my life, but to want of future of days watching him reading.

Other times, as he explains to me the exact method to make the perfect tea or why he needs a bit of salt in his coffee, I wonder if I will ever grow tired of these conversations.

Years ago, I vowed that I was happy not seeing the same face across the table from me each morning. I vowed not to become enthralled with the routine to the point that I was lulled into boredom.

But I tripped through Beloved’s wires, or he worked his way through a crack in my armor, and there he is. The same face greets me each morning, and I am not yet bored by it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard about the tannins in tea and how they can affect bitterness. I don’t mind because it’s Beloved telling me this over and over again as he carefully makes his tea as if his very life depends upon it.

The spark I felt once upon a time is still there, and if the crease between his brows is deeper now, I don’t mind at all.

July 4, 2021

Chronic Illness Is Unpretty

Have you ever wondered what holds things together when the going gets tough, and the words aren’t so gentle? Do you ever think that with one more tug, things will unravel, and you will be left holding one end of a string that seems to go nowhere?

Maybe my thoughts turn more this way because lupus seems to be more prevalent these days, and I am reminded that Beloved doesn’t have to go through this with me. He doesn’t have to stay, yet he does.

Like the gentleman that he is, he seems to understand the moment I feel unsure and unlovable. He picks up those uncertainties, puts a nice bow around them, and sends them out into the night. He brushes away the sense that I am less than or not worthy of his love and time. He picks up all of that mess, cleans it all up, and assures me that he can handle lupus and me.

He doesn’t understand; he can’t really understand how much a chronic illness can play on one’s sense of confidence. And in those moments of pain and frustration, there isn’t much he can do other than be there with me. To him that’s more than enough. To me, it’s a question of when the glue will let go, or he will want his freedom back.

July 2, 2021

To Not Ask

When he’s sleeping, all vulnerable and peaceful, I wonder how I sipped into the crack I did to find Beloved. Most of the time, he is so busy doing and going places that I get lost in the movements of life. But when things slow down, when he is resting, I can sit there and watch him and wonder how it even happened.

I am transfixed by the fact that he is here in my life in these moments. Sometimes I reach out to touch him, just to reassure myself that he’s there and real. I know it sounds dumb, but there was a time when I didn’t think someone like him would ever fall into my life.

Why would an accomplished man, an educated man who loves to travel and explore things want to spend his version of forever after with me? How could he possibly want to be stuck with someone who frequently feels unwell or unable to join him in his adventures? What would make him think this existence would work for him?

I never ask these questions, never to his face. I never ask him any of these. Instead, I just watch him and marvel at the way things happen when you don’t expect them to.

June 30, 2021

A Rare Find

You know those people in your life who get you? Those precious few souls who understand what isn’t being said and can finish your sentence or theories? Those people are indeed a treasure.

If we are lucky enough, we may have one or two of these people in our lives. If we are really blessed, one of these people may be our life partner.

When you connect with these people, it is a sense of belonging, family, and more. It’s as if you know each other on a deeper level, a level many won’t understand.

I can’t imagine my life without these people in it. They push me to do better, pull me back from the edge, and help me be myself in so many ways. Best of all, I don’t have to say everything I am thinking or mean for them to know the rest of the conversation. There is an understanding already there.

These beautiful beings don’t always live near us, although we must spend time with them to see if the connection is there first. But, after that, if you move far away, they still come with you in your heart. And when you contact them, the distance melts away as if there are right there with you.

June 24, 2021

The Art Of Forgiving And Not Forgetting

The four-footed one is not the type to let a misunderstanding get in the way of a relationship. She forgives with ease, although she doesn’t always forget the mishap or misunderstanding.

This trait of her’s doesn’t mean she is a push-over or soft either. The four-footed one will hold her ground and ensure that her voice is heard when she feels it is necessary. If she feels you are ignoring her, the four-footed one will find a way to visually connect her wants/needs/or communication to you.

This morning Beloved was in charge of feeding her breakfast. There is a routine to this, a very basic one. Once she has come back from her early morning walk, she comes into the house and consumes what is known as the first breakfast. The first breakfast consists of the right amount of her dry kibble. She prefers it to be fresh out of the kibble bag rather than the container near her treat cupboard.

Distracted with plans for making his breakfast, Beloved provided the four-footed one with kibble from the container. Most likely because she was hungry, the four-footed one ate what was provided. However, she also kept directing Beloved to the bag of kibble.

At her lunchtime (yes, I know), she refused to allow Beloved to go to the kibble container. Instead, she herded Beloved towards the kibble bag as if to say, “this is the stuff.” It’s the four-footed one’s way of saying she can’t trust you to get the correct kibble, and now you must make up for it. You see, usually, lunch kibble is from the container.

June 22, 2021

Puppy Love

Sometimes I will catch the four-footed one settling down with complete abandonment. She’s not one for attention when she’s getting ready to rest, but some days she can’t help but be a bit of a diva.

Earlier today, after an already busy morning and afternoon, the four-footed one curled up on the love seat, rested her back against the seat cushions, and sighed the most resounding sigh.

She rarely sleeps on her back, but when she does, it’s always funny. Her legs dangle above her body, twitching now and then. Her mouth is partially open, and minor snoring-like noises escape.

Her pink tummy is visible for all to see, and her ears look like bat ears with how they extend from her head.

In these moments, when she is entirely content, there are glimpses of the confident puppy who walked all over our hearts as she made our home hers.

She has us wound around her little paws, tail, and ears. She knows it, and more importantly, so do we. To be honest, we wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Sure, it may mean she’s spoiled, but after how she spent her first months of life, we wouldn’t alter a single thing.

June 19, 2021

Freezing Like

I like staying up all night to watch the morning light come in. I like getting up early to catch the sun as it starts to shimmer on the edge of my view. I like feeling the gentle breeze of early summer caress my skin and tease me into a sense of endless days.

I like listening to the rain dance on the tin roof of our house. I like sitting by the window watching the sky fill with flickers of far-off lightning, so far off that you never hear the thunder.

I like watching Beloved as he puzzles over some research. I like watching that small crease appear between his eyes as his tongue darts out between his teeth as he works out the meaning of data.

I like to feel as if time stands still in these moments as if we can make everything stay just as it is and hold everything close to ourselves.

Beloved assures me that photographs do the same thing. They freeze a given moment in time for all to cherish and go back to so that time is forever frozen, and we can keep still in these moments as long as we want.

I do not like being in photographs, but I like freezing those I love in moments I wish to hold onto forever. As if it serves as a way to wait for my cherished ones until they come back to similar moments.