Delicious Bonds

It’s National Cheesecake day, which for some people is magic in their mouth.  We cheesecake is, not sure about the day.  I’m jot among those people on account of the fact that I don’t get cheesecake.

I understand cheese.  I’m pretty sure I’m part mouse given my love affair with cheese.  I mean who doesn’t love cheese?  It comes  in so many varieties, flavours, smells, textures and colors.  There is something for just about anyone when it comes to cheese.

I also understand cake.  Oh my do I ever understand cake!  Cake and I have a torrid love affair, passion until we must part due to the cake being all consumed.  Most people I know love s good slice of cake now and then.  I mean hello!  It’s cake.  Need to celebrate?  Get a cake.  Need to commiserate?  Get a cake.  Have nothing to celebrate other than you being your awesome self?  Get a cake.  (I see a theme happening here!)  And again so many options when it comes to cake.  So many flavours, textures, sizes, and on and on we go.  Heck with cake you can have it naked or enrobed in rich frosting/ganache etc.  Did I mention I understand cake?  😉

But I don’t understand cheesecake.  To me cheesecake is a bit like when your mama tries to hide good for you food like vegetables in something you enjoy.  It just never turns out completely right.  You always sense there is something just a bit  different, just a bit sneaky about that stuff.  That’s cheesecake in my world.

I have also been informed that today is national friend day.  I guess the idea is that you and your friend can enjoy some cheesecake together.  I guess people bond over and enjoy sharing cheesecake.  Just not my thing. I’m blessed though in that I have friends who don’t like cheesecake either.  So we bond over that.😊

Of course I have friends who love cheesecake too (see I like all sorts of people!😊) and we have an understanding that they can take advantage of my dislike of cheesecake by wetting my share of it.  See?  I’m nice that way!

The thing is, you can bond with people over a favorited food, such as cheesecake.  You can bond over a shared aversion to food, such as cheesecake.  Or you can have people in your life who like things you don’t like.  It’s a way of opening yourself up to new experiences.

And although I don’t understand cheesecake, I still try it now and then.  Just because people all have different ways of serving it.  And I don’t always understand my friends either, but that’s okay too.  We all have different ways of seeing things and experiencing things.  It’s what makes the world so awesome, a nice spice to our lives!

My Business

I’m sure I’m not the only who gets amazing emails about up and coming business deals, quick ways to make money or sure-fire investments.  I hardly even see these emails anymore because they are directed immediately to my trash.  But now and then one gets past everything and falls upon my inbox, where it is promptly deleted.

I understand the allure of working for yourself.  It’s surely tempting.  But how do you know what works?  What is the business plan and idea that fits for you and your situation?  How do you get the required capital?  Which basically means how do you get money lenders to believe in you?

Maybe you have managed to come up with an excellent business idea.  One that’s bound to be a winner.  Do you go it alone or go with a partner?

I recently stumbled upon what would be an ideal business for me.  Actually that’s a lie, it would be an ideal business for myself and a friend.  However the friend I have in mind, well, let’s just say there was a falling out.  Completely my fault, foolish pride and jealousy got in the way.  Anyway when I realized how perfect this idea was for the two of us, I also realized that I wasn’t sure I’d want to do it with anyone other than her.  So it just sat there running over and over again in my mind.

But now that idea is demanding to be heard.  It is whispering to me, telling me to get in touch with her, tell her the plan and see what she thinks.  This idea seems to think it is irresistible, or rather would lead to an irresistible life.  And that’s the seduction of it all isn’t it?

We become seduced by potential lifestyles, wealth, work-life balance, being in control of our own lives and so on.  It’s pure seduction and lust.  And yet some people make it work out for them.  I can’t help but wonder if it would work out for us.  If it would even suit us.  But is it really any of my business?


Tightropes and Fences

There are times I find myself on a fence, a fence I’d rather not be on.  I have never been any good at walking a tightrope.  Balance is something that doesn’t come easily to me, Belived assures me that anyone who has a passion about something will struggle with balance in that area.

Since I have never figured out how to live with dampening my passions, I’ve never sorted out this idea of balance.  And thus I find myself on a fence now and then.  You see some times what I’m passionate about flies in the face of my professional life.  The idea that there is something to traveling, journeying as a shaman to find answers, doesn’t sit exactly right with academia.

Sometimes my passion to learn is at war with logical and rational thought.  I rush headlong into something less than safe.  Other times it is my passion that steals so much of precious energy that I can ill-afford to waste what with surviving lupus.

I’ve spoken to people about balance, about this whole fence-sitting issue.  What I can tell you is that those I’ve spoken to have all advised me it would be very hard to reign the passion in to a place where it works without getting in the way of logic etc.  In other words, those I’ve spoken to have all admitted to finding themselves on fences too now and then.

A dear friend told me that if, in order to have a balanced, fence-free life, she’d have to tame or even give up that which her passions run to, she’d rather not live at all.  As I roll this around in my head I know my feelings run the same.  But it’s not that easy, not when you are supposed to conserve energy and take care of yourself and loved ones.  It’s not so easy when your ideas, passions and such smack against the wall of reason and career.

So I try to walk the tightrope, I hope the wind isn’t blowing too hard when I’m on the fence and I admire those who just always end up balanced some how.  If you can teach me how to fully commit to a passion without having to worry about the other stuff, or if you’ve figured out how to balance, I beseech of you to teach me because the view from the fence may be okay, but I’d rather not be stuck on it!

Doing Time Lupus Style

It was one of those days where the list of things to do was longer than the day itself.  It also happened to be one of those days where I could only drag myself around and try not to think of everything that needed doing.

It was one of those days where I ended up throwing in the towel and curling up on to rest a bit.  Clearly the towel I threw in was exactly what the dog wanted because he made a beeline straight for where I was and flopped down beside me.

Now I know this may make me appear lazy to some, and I guess if you don’t understand what it’s like to live with lupus that makes sense.  But when you have limited energy sometimes the list can’t be completed.  Sometimes the best choice you can make is to flop down and toss in the towel.

Besides in the grand scheme of things, picking up paper towels isn’t going to matter.  Not like spending time with loved ones or taking care of your health.  I’ve yet to hear an elderly person say s/he wished that s/he had spent more time picking up paper towels, laundry or what have you.  There is a reason people talk about spending time with loved ones and those that are important in our lives…because in the end that’s what matters.  That’s where the memories come from.  And I’m grateful for the “lazy” afternoon I had with the dog.  Paper towels?  Well I will just put them on another list!

Sounds, Breaking Hearts and Monsters

What noise does a breaking heart make?  Does it sound like glass shattering?  Is it the soft sound of ice cracking?  Is it a loud thud? Perhaps it’s a huge boom.

It isn’t that I haven’t had a broken heart before, heartache and I are acquainted more than I had ever though possible.  But when you are the one going through the pain, you can’t really hear it.  Not over the tears, the despair and the reassurances that everything will be okay.  So when I ask the question, I’m doing so out of curiosity.  Well that and because I need to be prepared.

I’m not expecting my heart to break, not for me at any rate.  But I just found out that they may have figured out what the Lochness monster is and if it is true Beloved will be crushed.  His heart will break and I’m not sure there is enough glue or putty to hold it all together!

There is something magical and wild about a myth or story and a creature like Nessie. Frankly finding her, sorting out the science and ignoring the stories seems wrong.  It seems like the world grows a little dark, a little less colourful.

For Beloved though it won’t just be the loss of some magic, it will be the loss of a dream.  I think for him the it single thrill of the chase, the seeking out of a great mystery.  Frankly if he caught Nessie I’m not sure it would be the culmination of all his dreams coming true, I think it would be anticlimactic.

We all need some mystery out in the world, a monster that isn’t evil or horrible.  We just need a little magic and a little something beyond what our eyes can make out.  Some curiosity and mystery to balance things out and leave us guessing.

What I don’t need is more breaking hearts, but since we live and love, I suspect that I won’t be able to avoid that.  So I’d like to be prepared as to what a breaking heart sounds like, just in case is Nessie thing turns out to be scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Not for me, but for Beloved.

I Can’t Can I?

I bit back the words, knowing it wouldn’t matter what I said.  Sometimes people believe in something more than you do.  It gets awkward when those people are believing in something to do with you and you can’t seem to find the same faith in yourself.  These past few weeks I’ve found myself in this situation far more than I’d like.

Sitting in his cold office, biting my tongue to prevent the words “I can’t” from coming out was not exactly how I had planned this visit going.  I had planned on breezing into his office, reviewing my labs and breezing back out.  So where did it all go wrong?

Well it started with getting when I got out of bed and discovered someone had placed ground glass in all my joints.  And not just any ground glass, but the kind that multiples all the time.  Which means by the time my appointment came around there was no breezing or even gliding into his office.  What there was, however, was an amazing shuffle.

On top of the stiff, painful joints was bone weary exhaustion.  The kind of exhaustion that can’t be slept away.  The kind of exhaustion that reminds that sucks away any energy you may have had.  The kind of exhaustion that when you blink your eyes you wish you could just get an IV to capture that energy back.  Which means it was a slow shuffle, amazingly slow shuffle into his office.

When he suggested that I could make it down to redo my labs if I hurried I had to bite back those words.  Those words that said I can’t do this any more.  Those words that wondered what he had medicated himself with and why wasn’t he sharing.  Instead I painfully slide off the sharing, did a fast shuffle down to the lab, let them take my blood and then did a fast shuffle back.

Because I could do it, I didn’t want to because I knew it would hurt.  But I could do it and I did do it.  Pay for it?  Oh yes indeed and he knew it.  But he felt the labs needed to be redone so we could avoid the whole ground glass in joints thing.  And I agree because it’s no fun at all.  But oh good heavens the pain in the short-term!  I can’t would have been easier, for the moment.

I can’t even tell you how many I can’t moments I’ve had, not in total in my life.  What I can’t tell you is that I can’t is something I try to not say because those words, in a way, become a prison or a gate that hold you back.  They seem to gain strength in a negative way, if you have a person who believes you can standing beside telling you that you can. The minute you say I can’t it’s like you give it double the strength!

A Bright Rainbow

Rainbows and bugs...the good kind

Rainbows and bugs…the good kind

sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the darkness of serious chronic illnesses.  Some days it’s a long, dark tunnel that doesn’t seem to end.  Sometimes it’s like stumbling blindly down a rocky and twisted path.

I confess that there are times I find myself stuck in this darkness, lost in the rumblings of the storm clouds that are lupus.  Now and then I need a little something to grab me and pull me out of that place.

Beloved has a large bag of tricks to pull from, but after this last round of less than appealing news, he decided to provide me with a rainbow .  A bright rainbow.  And some cheerful ladybugs.  All wrapped up in a heavenly scent.

So I thought I’d share it and help spread the cheerful colors and happy ladybugs.  Oh yes and butterflies because why not?  So take that lupus!

And the best way to enjoy a rainbow is to share, so enjoy!