Here We Go…Again

I may have been cursed at birth, or perhaps I was born at the wrong time.  I have never been able to sit still, settle into one place and let my roots take hold.  I suffer from wanderlust, have the soul of a sailor who is always looking back out to the sea and suffer from itchy feet.

This occurred to me as Beloved settled into a comfortable chair and indicated he could get used to “here”.  I couldn’t see “here” or even “there” as being a place I could get used to.  There are always so many things to see, explore and learn and staying in one place just seems wrong.

Poor Beloved, the man mentioned a desire to go to Denmark for a day or two.  And off I went, a huge list of other places to go and see.  A need for more than a short flight, short drive or a tiny trip.

I can’t explain it, but the idea of calling one place home just gives me the creeps.  I can’t fathom being tied down completely to one place that offers no means away from the place.  Trapped I guess is the correct word.  Being trapped frightens me.  No exit strategy scares me.

While Beloved is finding the right location for the comfortable chair, my heart is yearning to pick up, pack up and head out to somewhere beyond.  Somewhere other, different and somewhat new.

Denmark is not a place that I see myself exploring for a few years.  I adore Denmark, but only for visits.  I feel the same about Finland, Sweden and Iceland.  These are places Beloved could see himself settling his comfortable chair into without any issue.

I wonder if comfortable chairs come with wheels and various or tracks etc. for mobility, just because you never know where my wanderlust will take me next!  Maybe swim fins need to be added too, just in case!

If Beloved no longer wishes to be a travel companion, maybe I can grab a roaming gnome or two!

Rain Dance or Ants In My Pants

We ran, trying to stay dry, in between the raindrops, but of course this was impossible because the rain was falling too close together.  But I explained this idea to the four-footed one travelling with me and apparently it made sense because we ran in the rain,  not that it mattered because there comes a point where you simply cannot get any wetter than you already are.  And we were wet, no doubt about it.

My travel companion was able to shake and twist out a fair amount of the water.  Apparently human skin doesn’t work exactly the same way.  Instead I ended up looking like I had a bad case of ants in my pants while standing out in the rain.

Okay so I’ve never actually had ants in pants.  Ever.  Because my mother disapproved and well let’s face it, they are ants.  No thanks not in my pants or at my picnic thanks all the same!

For me to dry off it was a huge fluffy towel that lost all of its fluffiness when it got wet.  Oh and a hair dryer.  Wait.  I applied the same theory to the dog too, jus tht as direct heat from the dryer for the dog.  I also grabbed a cup of hot coffee for myself and well he dog had decided to just take a nap.  I figure it’s about even.

The other four-footed one had developed an allergy of sorts to the water.  A paw in the puddle equaled shaking and whimpering because a) the dog is blind and b) the dog has had enough of this wet crap.  Climate change apparentky means more water for us. Lots more water all at once.  Not exactly what we need.  I figure we will end up with webbed toes soon at this rate.

I did grab a kayak from storage just in case.  If Beloved wants to add through the wet crap, that’s fine with me, but I will travel in style, complete with the four-footed ones because webbed toes.  Need I say more?


Strangely Afoot

A strange thing happened today.  I woke up my regular time, attended to the four-footed news and managed to catch yet another lovely sunrise.  I picked up a book to read and somehow ended up curling up and going back to sleep.  This back to sleep thing doesn’t happen to me.  Like almost never.

Beloved let me sleep, sleep in and be left in peace while he entertained the numerous legged ones.  Neither of us took this extra sleeping on my part lightly.  It’s a sure sign changes are coming thanks to lupus.  Changes that I won’t understand or be able to dance with immediately.  Because I will try to just fight through the changes and behave as normal as possible, which will lead to either more sleeping or other issues.

I know lupus is known as he wolf.  For it is smart, patient and an excellent hunter, just like a wolf.  The way it hits and affects the body is a bit like a wolf pack with separate wolves capable of inflicting different things to various parts of the body.  I know this first hand as I live it day in and day out.

But to me lupus is more like coyote, the trickster and shape changer.  Like a coyote, lupus behaves differently.  Cunning and wary at times and playful or resting at others.  And like a coyote you never know what exactly you will get with lupus, thus a shape shifter works too.

Plus lupus is a lonely illness at times.  Soemtimes the illness or the medications you must take means you end up spending time alone, in isolation or bed.  Other times lupus means you have to cancel plans and outings, which also leads to the life of being alone.

What the trickster has up her sleeve this time I do not know, but she certainly let me know change is n the air.  Even the dogs have sensed it and are more gentle with me, staying by my side and just resting near by.  They know that something is afoot, but ey haven’t been able to make out what exactly is happening.

And I am unsure why with the extra sleep I am so exhausted and unable to focus.  Is this the coming n of a bigger flare?  Is this lupus retreating and my body letting down its guard?  Who knows.  But something strange is happening nonetheless.

Revolting Revolution

The four-footed ones have staged a revolt.  Not that I blame them as per say, but they need to go outside the house now and then, just a wee weird thing I have since they’ve never masted the toilet. Granted they weren’t meant to be spending their time swimming either.  Fur gets wet and I’m sure that makes it a bit more heavy and unpleasant.  Like I said I don’t blame them, but I have no ability to remove the water enough for them to be able to walk like they are used to.

Whether they understand this or not is irrelevant.  They’ve staged their revolt because they aren’t swimming or sinking any more.  Not if they have their way.  And being that they offer up unconditional love, their revolt started gentle….growling and barking while auctioning their bodies to the floor any time the word “outside” is mentioned.

But I’m a slow learner and so I missed these signs as anything other than being stubborn.  So they raised it up a notch, showing teeth and avoiding me.  I must add, their bodily control is simply  amazing as they will hold it until the very last-minute, at which point they whimper and whine and reluctantly head outside to take care of the call  of nature.

In between giving into the moment of desperately reality, hey have taken to growling at me, pulling toys al throughout the house and hiding from me.  One of them has

also decided to spit kibble across the floor.  They both know this trick of tacking food out of the bowl and then just spitting it on the floor.  One of them, or maybe both of them, has now amped up the game to a whole new level.  I’ve started to find kibble in the bathroom as well as the bedroom, along the side of the bed.  Today one of my shoes was stuffed with soggy kibble.

My answer to this revolt is to take away the kibble and offer it only when hungry and physically carry them outside.  But this can’t go on long and unfortunately I have no clue where the drain plug is located to get the water out of the yard and street.  So it will become a question of who gives in first.  If not for the fear of having to scrub and bleach the floors all throughout the house, my resolve may be weaker, but I will not have my house become a huge indoor toilet just because a few four-footed ones refuse to go outside!

I Am Graduating…From Preschool

The problem with having an invisible, chronic illness is that when you aren’t really feeling able to pretend to be “normal” and let down your guard to share this news with someone, most people do not understand.  I can’t blame them, not really because a) you don’t look like there is anything wrong with you so you are probably whining and exaggerating or b) you’ve done such a great job as an actor that no one believes there could be anything wrong with you.

If you happen to live near the river, you know…denial as de River Nile (okay bad on my part) then you make it even worse by pushing beyond the point where you should rest.  I don’t know why  feel that if I just keep trying and pushing somehow I will beat this intense pain and exhaustion.  Yeah I know, if I get a pair of ruby slippers a hat that sorts people out, oh and a fairy godmother I might just be okay with this plan.  But I don’t have a fair godmother, I don’t actually have a god mother come to think of it.  I’m afraid the only hats I have aren’t remotely magical.  And for ruby slippers, well I have a pair of red tennis shoes and I have already been told that they do not count.

So of course I’m at the point now where  can’t hide om the pain or the exhaustion, but now I can only use the big medications.  The ones with extra dreadful side effects.  Those always pair so well with the pain and exhaustion.

But this time is different because this time I feel angry about this situation.  I really only have myself to blame and so if I want to be angry, it’s really only with myself.  But it doesn’t play out that way.  It comes out in sharp word directed at loved ones and friends.  It comes out in harsh tones, short attention span and a whole new level of impatience.  Ally of that, of course, just makes me more angry.  It’s a crazy cycle.  One where you basically become your own worst enemy no matter what you do.

Let’s face it readers, when it comes to my education with lupus, despite living with it for years, I’m only now ready to graduation from lupus preschool.  I’ve been told a whole life of living with this illness or any other chronic, yet invisible illness, will never get you a PhD in the illness.  If you are lucky you will have a high school diploma when you are done.

Since I’m still in preschool, basically right now I need a story, a snack and a nice nap!

Of Buckets And Love

Some people get sleds for Christmas, others get skis, skates or crazy carpets.  Some people get cars, tablets or televisions.  Others may hear the sounds of a new cellphone, kitten or puppy.

I got buckets.  Empty buckets.  To fill with water, from the sudden leak that developed and threatened to swamp the house.  They weren’t gift wrapped, which is good because I’d hate to have to unwrap them just to use them.

I appreciated that they were there and ready to be used.  A lovely elf left them for me.  Just outside my door.  Known get I’d need them.  Because this lovely elf is the one who spotted the leak since its one from the outside threatening to come in.

Never have I been so grateful for such a thoughtful and practical gift!  Never have I used a gift immediately upon receiving it.  THe buckets are the gift that keep on giving!

Sure there were other gifts.  Every single one of them are appreciated and adored.  But these buckets are special because they were just what I needed exactly when I needed them!

It’s similar to the way friends and family just know exactly what you need, sometimes before you even realize it!  So here is to buckets, love and just knowing!

Overextending And What’s In Arms Reach

cup vat of coffee was within arm’s reach and reach is exactly what my arm did, as my hand grasped the handle so I might have just a wee sip of the much-needed drink.  I had gotten it into my head that what I needed to do right now was make a flourless orange cake.

I know, I must be ill because my inner cook hardly ever feels the need to be called upon. Regardless, I was simmering two oranges and trying to figure out the food processor when I reached for more coffee.  I have come to the conclusion that I may, in fact be possessed.  I have no other way of explaining this behavior and not even a vat of coffee is going to solve the problem.

Making the cake itself is super easy and you only need a handful of ingredients.  It just happens to be time-consuming and given that you can’t make more time, I should have taken that into consideration before I started down this path.

But it was too late to do much of anything other than forge ahead and remind myself I had only me to blame for this.  Well okay technically I was blaming someone else because this nameless person just had to have a taste of the cake.  And I decided they needed to taste it today.

I always marvel at how far people extend themselves when it comes to loved ones, whether blood relatives or dear friends.  You’d think these are the people we would be most comfortable with and therefore more capable of saying no.  But somehow these are the very people we want to please, keep or make happy or simply surprise them with something.  Even if it means overextending ourselves or running out of time!

this time of year, no doubt countless people will overextend themselves, their energy and their money.  The real special part isn’t really the time of year, and we shouldn’t feel so compelled to put everything it o one day.  We should allow small and meaningful gestures each day, show those we care about how important they are every day.  Rather than use a holiday as a reason to shower them with various symbols of our appreciation. Because the words spoken from our hearts will always be more precious than a material gift.  Or a flourless orange cake.