Beloved is a man with the patience of the Saint, or close to it. He has to be in order to live with me. I can’t even tolerate my stubbornness which leads to insane delays that lead me back to square one sometimes. But he just smiles and waits while I sort it out and somehow avoids the whole I told you so bit.
He claims he really isn’t all that goods with this stuff either, just has figured out how to fake things better than some other people. Of course he also says that living with someone with a chronic illness like lupus has taught him to encourage slow time. He simply savours the moments as best he can.
Beloved has the grace of someone who is a saint. He has the grace to allow me to stubborn my way through things. He is gracious with me, generous it’s time and encouragement when t might be easier to just don’t on his own. His grace allows me to admit defeat or not even starting something.
But he isn’t, a saint that is. At least not according to the religious experts. That’s okay thought because in my eyes he is a saint, my saint. He puts the sane in sanity in this life with lupus.
Beloved’s elderly aunt decided that both he and I needed gifts, a little something to boost our spirits as she put it in her daily emails to us. Experience has taught me not to decline her generosity as she becomes very offended by this.
She does this every once-and-a-while, randomly out of the clear blue she will announce we need our spirits boosted, even if nothing out of the ordinary is going on for us. The first time she made this declaration we were the recipients of a gourmet meal at a very fine restaurant. It was a place we would have otherwise never tried and shared our experience with her after in an email.
Naturally we wanted to surprise her and searched for something different to send her way. She was delighted that we would send her anything, I get the feeling Beloved’s siblings just accept the gifts with heartfelt thanks and carry on with life. Granted they can visit her a little more easily than I can.
This time she insisted on sending Beloved a special wine tasting trip. He was tickled pink by the gift. She insisted on supplying me with several manicures so that regardless of how awful I may feel, I have something special for my “lovely” nails. (She admires my natural nails and laughed when I told her it was a sign that I don’t do manual labor.)
When I feel a little better I will go and get my nails done and then I shall take a picture to show her. But first I want to find something extra special for her, something that is whimsical and will tickle her pink. Her joy, delight and genuine pleasure is really the best gift I could ever receive!
Beloved came home looking a little dejected, he hadn’t made the short call this time. He had been so busy preparing and going through everything he hadn’t been the most attentive to things here. He also had missed phoned a few friends for their birthdays. It’s easy to reason things into place when you are still chasing the golden ring or the first place.
When you are no longer in the running, it is harder to ignore the phone and things you’ve let slide while you were busy. I wasn’t too concerned about how he had been preoccupied he had been. I went into this whole thing with my eyes wide open and if the worst call I got was one that said he was coming home because he didn’t make the short call I could live with that. Besides we both realized that soemtimes dreams pull you into a different direction than your partner is heading, you either weather the tempest or you don’t.
Most, but not all, of his friends who record belated birthday wishes understood. Some people though felt that he should have taken time out of his preperarion and auditions for their special moment. You never really know what means the most to someone else until you fail to do what they need you to do for them at that moment. Frankly I doubt would have his grace after missing out on something to immediately phone people after I got home. I know how much he wanted this for himself and for us.
In some ways it is more disappointing because of how close he came and yet it still feels he was so far away. But there will be other short calls and interviews for him and when it’s right, he will win the gold round so to speak. Either way he is more than enough to me as he is.
UI received the most beautiful flower bouquet today. No special occasion, mom special reason. Well other than that a few friends attended a workshop on how to arrange flowers. I was supposed to attend the workshop, but due to lupus I had to cancel, thankfully one of my friends was able to make use of my ticket. In return she sent over the arrangement she had created.
The workshop was supposed to teach you how to create effortless and beautiful looking arrangements, both in vases and hand tied. The bouquet that arrived at my house was a beautiful riot of colour and perfume, tied up in a delicate pale lavender ribbon.
Based on my lovely gift, the worship completely delivered all it promised. And based on my friend’s phone call to thank me for thinking of her and offering her my ticket Id say she has completely run with the lessons!
She phoned me in between cutting flowers from her yard to create arrangements for both her mother and mother-in-law. And she had made plans with the other friends who attended the workshop to go flower shopping tomorrow so they could create some more arrangements to take to some seniors homes. (She told me that they hoped I’d come with them and learn from them. If I’m not well enough or have enough energy for the full deal, they’d stop by after picking up the flowers so I could still learn or just spend time with them while they make the arrangements.)
Beloved is currently collecting a count of the flowers we have so he can cut some tomorrow for arrangement lessons. He wasn’t able to sign up for the workshop and couldn’t use my ticket today because he was with me, but perhaps tomorrow he will have a chance to learn. I bet the smell of the bouquets the ladies make tomorrow will smell especially sweet and heavenly the way mine does. Not because of the flowers used, although that helps, rather because the simple gesture of care and surprise that goes into making something for someone when s/he doesn’t expect anything.
The four-footed one is a fan of plush green eggs that squeak with the slightest touch. She will ignore all of her other toys for one of these eggs. I believe half the appeal of these toys are that they fit under chairs and such. She likes to hide her eggs under the chairs and then demand that someone (human) find them for her. Once they have been uncovered she wants to run around the house with an egg in her mouth while said human chases her. She will happily squeak the egg the whole time.
The thing is, this human is not a fan of the plush green eggs. I was at first because they bring her such joy. Alas the whole hunting and chasing not to mention the non-stop squeaking has taken all the fun out of the egg thing for me. I guess this is why we do Easter Egg hunts only once a year!
Perhaps though what is the biggest turn off my four-footed one’s fanaticism when it comes to her egg. The obsession of her’s for all things plush green egg is too much to handle at times. She has, dear finds, crossed the line from fan to that crazed fanatic that we typically see in the sporting world.
To help her overcome this obsession we take the eggs away now and then. (For the record if we don’t take them and put them up high she will spend hours squeaking the, with no regard to human ears.) But the fanatic in her is not so easily subdued. A compulsion, unyielding, sets in and she just continues to seek out her precious eggs.
I suppose there are far worse things for her to be fanatical about. Perhaps if the eggs weren’t so noisy… But the lesson is that anything can become too much, too-consuming so it is important to step back from it now and then.
She said she was tired of pretending that her life could carry-on as normal without him. She said it was too much to try to smile when she was crying on the inside and no one seemed to measure up to him. She said her heart still belonged to him and always would.
I know she cried a river of tears which had flowed into an ocean when they first decided to just get on with their lives. I didn’t think much of more of it over the months since they separated, she seemed to be doing fine. She is one of the strongest women I know and does not give an inch. She is one of the most unyielding women I know when it comes to making a decision and yet here she was telling me that she could no longer pretend that her life was okay and that she had moved on from him.
A part of me wanted to remind her how he had left her hanging while he was out in the wind. I wanted to point out how many times he went to chase something that caught his eye while she waited for him. I wanted to remind her that saying no was best thing should could have done where he was concerned, but I remember the way she always looked at him. The way she looked now when she talked about him.
So when she told me what she wanted, that she was going to track him down again, I told her that I that if it made her happy or provided her with some sort of resolution than it was surely the right decision.
I couldn’t answer her question years ago about why she was attracted to a man who was no good for her. I still can’t answer it, nor can I answer why he is the one who makes her smile and makes her look a certain way. I don’t think love is a rational thing and therefore I have no logic to explain it. But I do know what it is to find that person who makes you smile and steals all the space in your heart. Sometimes you can’t explain things, it simply is what it is.
Those of us who can pretend that we don’t love someone or need that someone in our lives are cheating ourselves in some way, but by the same token we have to protect ourselves. Do you take the short whirlwind romance and perhaps the loneliness in the winter nights or do you look for a logical choice?
The four-footed one decided today was a good day for Beloved to take her on an adventure. Just after the sun was up despite the fact he worked late into the night. She isn’t interested in how much sleep he gets, perhaps be uses she thinks he naps like she does.
With a bit of grumbling Beloved got on with getting ready for his early adventure while I rested in bed. In fairness the four-footed one and I normally partake of these journeys, except when I do not feel well. And I only stayed in bed for half an hour before I got out of bed to see to their breakfasts.
Typically these adventures are an hour to an hour and a half, which is why I figured after a half hour I’d be able to get out of bed and slowly make their breakfasts. That way when they came home they’d have freshly prepared food. Except as slow as my stiff fingers were, I still had the food ready long before they came home.
Beloved phoned to say they were just about home and needed towels and water. When I asked him why since it wasn’t wet when they left, he said one word “mud”. Now the four-footed one loves mud, first thing in the morning when it’s cool and smushy she loves to coat her paws in it. Normally I just hose her feet off once we are home since I’ve got towels nearby to wipe the water up.
This morning she decided to give Beloved a real treat by forcing him to join her in the mud. Because she evidently did her best to impersonate a pig wallowing in the mud. So she needed a bath before breakfast and I’m fairly certain that is not something my doctor would consider resting. Beloved was too busy tending to his clean-up to bathe the dog, so I did it. It’s just easier than having to clean the carpets and such.
Over his no longer fresh breakfast Beloved told me that these adventures need to be less adventuresome going forward. He said he cannot handle this much adventure before breakfast. He simply isn’t that adventuresome of a man.