An Illusion for All Time

Time runs through my fingers so quickly, I barely even feel the texture.  Twenty-four hours now run by before I even am ready to call it a day.  How did this happen?  There was a time, not that long ago, when a day stretched endless before me.

I have  no ability to stop time, to hold things still and just sit in that moment.  The best I can do is set aside all the stuff I do because it’s expected and run away for a bit.  A vacation from responsibilities of sort.  But it too is never long enough and as time moves more swiftly and loved ones slip away I search for a means to push back the time.

there are so many things that need tending to that life seems to spin faster and faster.  I’ve been told we can step off the merry-go-round and slow things down, but it requires energy, effort and skills.  Skills I lack, skills Beloved lacks.  And the time it would take to acquire these skills is slipping away too.

I’ve a friend who says if you get right down to it, do only the important stuff that needs doing, hold time with your loved ones dearly and relax a little. She firmly believes all this running around and chasing things is exceedingly unhealthy.  She is one of the few people I know who practices what she believes and it seems to suit her.  But she too notices time going faster now.  She says it makes things sweeter.

I’d settle for holding back time a little, but since I can’t I shall just savour the moments as they come.  Now if you will excuse me, there is a man and a dog who both need to be hugged.

Coming To Be

It’s times like these, when he’s off in his own world and I’m free to study him that I wonder how it came to be.  How we came to be.  We certainly aren’t star-crossed lovers, no Romeo and Juliet here.

He is so pulled together, so eloquent and articulate next to my fumbling, ardent weirdness.  Although he’d make a face at the word weird.  He prefers and insists I’m quirky.  As though that’s a good thing.

He is calm and steady, a compass that points true north.  I’m full of whirlwind energy and uneven ground, with a huge need to just simply explore.  There is gentleness to him, a sense he knows where he belongs and I’m still pushing and fighting, resisting every step.

ive known his past and can’t understand how we’ve come to be.  We are so different and so alike in other ways.  He is so sure of his place where as I’m so sure of what I believe even if I have no clue where my place iS.

A friend of his confided that upon first meeting me there was raised eyebrows.  I’m not at all like his past.  Not a swish of soft skirts, no soft voice and domestic comfort here.  No ladylike grace and genteel ways.  I’m more like a bull in a china shop, brash and sure of some things and stumbling around others.  I’m loud at times, and find skirts to be the cause of an allergy when hey come in contact with my skin.

And it’s at these times I wonder about all of this as I watch him.  He seems happy and comfortable enough.  He’s sure of this even as I have a need to pull out a microscope and study us. He smiles and promises me no matter what, this still works.

I wonder how he knows, how he can be so sure when I still can’t understand how it works, but know that somehow it does.  I wonder how he can be so calm in his belief, ignoring pasts and focusing on present and future with a steady commitment.  I wonder what happens if one day I give in and say yes.  If I toss the flowers over my shoulder and settle into domestic normalcy.

He catches me watching him and raises an eyebrow, my thoughts surely written bold above my head.  He doesn’t say a word, just smiles at me and shakes his head.  The unspoken words pass between us, him telling me to go ahead and keep looking.  His smile tells me his faith in us is strong enough for all of this.  And I find myself wondering why I do this.  Why I feel a need to examine this.  Why I can’t have faith and belief in this.  But he accepts it; he’s told me a million times before, he isn’t going anywhere so I can study him and yes until there is nothing left to study.

Delicious Bonds

It’s National Cheesecake day, which for some people is magic in their mouth.  We cheesecake is, not sure about the day.  I’m jot among those people on account of the fact that I don’t get cheesecake.

I understand cheese.  I’m pretty sure I’m part mouse given my love affair with cheese.  I mean who doesn’t love cheese?  It comes  in so many varieties, flavours, smells, textures and colors.  There is something for just about anyone when it comes to cheese.

I also understand cake.  Oh my do I ever understand cake!  Cake and I have a torrid love affair, passion until we must part due to the cake being all consumed.  Most people I know love s good slice of cake now and then.  I mean hello!  It’s cake.  Need to celebrate?  Get a cake.  Need to commiserate?  Get a cake.  Have nothing to celebrate other than you being your awesome self?  Get a cake.  (I see a theme happening here!)  And again so many options when it comes to cake.  So many flavours, textures, sizes, and on and on we go.  Heck with cake you can have it naked or enrobed in rich frosting/ganache etc.  Did I mention I understand cake?  😉

But I don’t understand cheesecake.  To me cheesecake is a bit like when your mama tries to hide good for you food like vegetables in something you enjoy.  It just never turns out completely right.  You always sense there is something just a bit  different, just a bit sneaky about that stuff.  That’s cheesecake in my world.

I have also been informed that today is national friend day.  I guess the idea is that you and your friend can enjoy some cheesecake together.  I guess people bond over and enjoy sharing cheesecake.  Just not my thing. I’m blessed though in that I have friends who don’t like cheesecake either.  So we bond over that.😊

Of course I have friends who love cheesecake too (see I like all sorts of people!😊) and we have an understanding that they can take advantage of my dislike of cheesecake by wetting my share of it.  See?  I’m nice that way!

The thing is, you can bond with people over a favorited food, such as cheesecake.  You can bond over a shared aversion to food, such as cheesecake.  Or you can have people in your life who like things you don’t like.  It’s a way of opening yourself up to new experiences.

And although I don’t understand cheesecake, I still try it now and then.  Just because people all have different ways of serving it.  And I don’t always understand my friends either, but that’s okay too.  We all have different ways of seeing things and experiencing things.  It’s what makes the world so awesome, a nice spice to our lives!

My Business

I’m sure I’m not the only who gets amazing emails about up and coming business deals, quick ways to make money or sure-fire investments.  I hardly even see these emails anymore because they are directed immediately to my trash.  But now and then one gets past everything and falls upon my inbox, where it is promptly deleted.

I understand the allure of working for yourself.  It’s surely tempting.  But how do you know what works?  What is the business plan and idea that fits for you and your situation?  How do you get the required capital?  Which basically means how do you get money lenders to believe in you?

Maybe you have managed to come up with an excellent business idea.  One that’s bound to be a winner.  Do you go it alone or go with a partner?

I recently stumbled upon what would be an ideal business for me.  Actually that’s a lie, it would be an ideal business for myself and a friend.  However the friend I have in mind, well, let’s just say there was a falling out.  Completely my fault, foolish pride and jealousy got in the way.  Anyway when I realized how perfect this idea was for the two of us, I also realized that I wasn’t sure I’d want to do it with anyone other than her.  So it just sat there running over and over again in my mind.

But now that idea is demanding to be heard.  It is whispering to me, telling me to get in touch with her, tell her the plan and see what she thinks.  This idea seems to think it is irresistible, or rather would lead to an irresistible life.  And that’s the seduction of it all isn’t it?

We become seduced by potential lifestyles, wealth, work-life balance, being in control of our own lives and so on.  It’s pure seduction and lust.  And yet some people make it work out for them.  I can’t help but wonder if it would work out for us.  If it would even suit us.  But is it really any of my business?

 

Tightropes and Fences

There are times I find myself on a fence, a fence I’d rather not be on.  I have never been any good at walking a tightrope.  Balance is something that doesn’t come easily to me, Belived assures me that anyone who has a passion about something will struggle with balance in that area.

Since I have never figured out how to live with dampening my passions, I’ve never sorted out this idea of balance.  And thus I find myself on a fence now and then.  You see some times what I’m passionate about flies in the face of my professional life.  The idea that there is something to traveling, journeying as a shaman to find answers, doesn’t sit exactly right with academia.

Sometimes my passion to learn is at war with logical and rational thought.  I rush headlong into something less than safe.  Other times it is my passion that steals so much of precious energy that I can ill-afford to waste what with surviving lupus.

I’ve spoken to people about balance, about this whole fence-sitting issue.  What I can tell you is that those I’ve spoken to have all advised me it would be very hard to reign the passion in to a place where it works without getting in the way of logic etc.  In other words, those I’ve spoken to have all admitted to finding themselves on fences too now and then.

A dear friend told me that if, in order to have a balanced, fence-free life, she’d have to tame or even give up that which her passions run to, she’d rather not live at all.  As I roll this around in my head I know my feelings run the same.  But it’s not that easy, not when you are supposed to conserve energy and take care of yourself and loved ones.  It’s not so easy when your ideas, passions and such smack against the wall of reason and career.

So I try to walk the tightrope, I hope the wind isn’t blowing too hard when I’m on the fence and I admire those who just always end up balanced some how.  If you can teach me how to fully commit to a passion without having to worry about the other stuff, or if you’ve figured out how to balance, I beseech of you to teach me because the view from the fence may be okay, but I’d rather not be stuck on it!

Doing Time Lupus Style

It was one of those days where the list of things to do was longer than the day itself.  It also happened to be one of those days where I could only drag myself around and try not to think of everything that needed doing.

It was one of those days where I ended up throwing in the towel and curling up on to rest a bit.  Clearly the towel I threw in was exactly what the dog wanted because he made a beeline straight for where I was and flopped down beside me.

Now I know this may make me appear lazy to some, and I guess if you don’t understand what it’s like to live with lupus that makes sense.  But when you have limited energy sometimes the list can’t be completed.  Sometimes the best choice you can make is to flop down and toss in the towel.

Besides in the grand scheme of things, picking up paper towels isn’t going to matter.  Not like spending time with loved ones or taking care of your health.  I’ve yet to hear an elderly person say s/he wished that s/he had spent more time picking up paper towels, laundry or what have you.  There is a reason people talk about spending time with loved ones and those that are important in our lives…because in the end that’s what matters.  That’s where the memories come from.  And I’m grateful for the “lazy” afternoon I had with the dog.  Paper towels?  Well I will just put them on another list!

Sounds, Breaking Hearts and Monsters

What noise does a breaking heart make?  Does it sound like glass shattering?  Is it the soft sound of ice cracking?  Is it a loud thud? Perhaps it’s a huge boom.

It isn’t that I haven’t had a broken heart before, heartache and I are acquainted more than I had ever though possible.  But when you are the one going through the pain, you can’t really hear it.  Not over the tears, the despair and the reassurances that everything will be okay.  So when I ask the question, I’m doing so out of curiosity.  Well that and because I need to be prepared.

I’m not expecting my heart to break, not for me at any rate.  But I just found out that they may have figured out what the Lochness monster is and if it is true Beloved will be crushed.  His heart will break and I’m not sure there is enough glue or putty to hold it all together!

There is something magical and wild about a myth or story and a creature like Nessie. Frankly finding her, sorting out the science and ignoring the stories seems wrong.  It seems like the world grows a little dark, a little less colourful.

For Beloved though it won’t just be the loss of some magic, it will be the loss of a dream.  I think for him the it single thrill of the chase, the seeking out of a great mystery.  Frankly if he caught Nessie I’m not sure it would be the culmination of all his dreams coming true, I think it would be anticlimactic.

We all need some mystery out in the world, a monster that isn’t evil or horrible.  We just need a little magic and a little something beyond what our eyes can make out.  Some curiosity and mystery to balance things out and leave us guessing.

What I don’t need is more breaking hearts, but since we live and love, I suspect that I won’t be able to avoid that.  So I’d like to be prepared as to what a breaking heart sounds like, just in case is Nessie thing turns out to be scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Not for me, but for Beloved.