Illuminating Reminders

I marvelled at the windows reflecting the sunlight and thanked my lucky stars it wasn’t my job to keep them clean.  I liked the solitude out here, the wind and the water, the birds and the peace.  I could see myself out here, reading, and working.  But not as a lighthouse keeper or the wife of one.

And it wasn’t just the thought if cleaning all those windows either.  It was the exceedingly limited space.  The climb up all those stairs and down and the careful planning to get supplies.

The job itself wasn’t exactly ideal either, before electricity the fires had to be maintained so the light was constantly visible and then you also had to peer out into the inky blackness we’ve long-lost thanks to electricity.  You were responsible for keeping watch for the ships after all.  So night work, but work still to be done during the day too, such as keeping those windows clean and ensuring you had enough fuel for keeping the light going.

the guide said that the last people to live here and run the lighthouse had a large garden to grown their own vegetables and a few chickens to help with the food situation.  Of course they had access to all the seafood they wanted provided they caught it. And I guess you’d be busy enough to complain about the food.

So really what I wanted was to be a guest, basically to rent the lighthouse since it was no longer working.  Just to enjoy the peace and the delights nature had to offer, while still having a lovely shelter with an excellent view.  Beloved wasn’t one for all those stairs and pointed out that on a bad day neither would I be.  He also reminded me that the chance of hot sunshine filled days without a cloud n the sky would be low since we were up against the ocean.  And lastly he informed me that he couldn’t fish any more than I could.  Plus they didn’t rent out the lighthouse.

People used to do, much like they do now, whatever it took to survive.  Whatever job was available and tested themselves against it all.  Reading some of the journals it’s obvious that one of the hardest things the people at the lighthouse had to deal with was the solitude and loneliness.  It was probably magnified by having to work in such dark conditions.  Surely then you felt like you truly were at the end of the world, on your own.

The trip to this lighthouse was illuminating not just because of the lighthouse but because it reminded me of how utterly alone a person can still feel in the world when cut off from society.  It also reminded me that while I enjoy my solitude I’m far too caught up in things that require people to make it.  And I hate doing windows!😉


How Should I Know? Do You Know

Where do you see yourself in five years?  Perhaps two years works just as well.

Friends these questions drive me up a wall.  I mean where I see myself versus where I end up can be exceedingly distant.  I hate guessing where I see myself because it can end up making me feel like a failure for not knowing myself well enough.  Or selling myself short.  And frankly the idea of making that kind of commitment is just too much.

am I afraid of commitment?  To a degree sure.  I mean I’m not a written in stone kind of girl.  I like giving into my whims to an extent.  I like the freedom of movement and being able to change with the wind if my heart desires.

on the other hand I wonder why people feel such a need to nail people down to plans for extended periods of time.  Obviously if someone is investing in you they need to know they will see some type of return on that investment.  But is it really fair to try and pin people down?  Is it so wrong to want to be free like a butterfly or the wind?

lm not afraid to admit I don’t know where I may be a few months from now so how on earth can I honestly answer where I will be in a few years?  Does this make me flighty and thus not worth the risk?  Surely I’m not the only person who is comfortable with herself, but not with being pinned down.  Right?

Wizards, Monkeys and Work

I was never a fan of The Wizard of Oz.  I was first introduced to this story via an old movie that didn’t really impress me much.  What I remember from that experience is the colors were off, the costumes horrible and the whole movie just silly.

Oh there have been times I’ve wished for the ruby-red slippers!  How I’ve wanted to slip them on my feet, click my heels three times and utter those famous words.  Although I also wondered if I could utter other words, so as no place like the beach and with a poof! find myself on the beach.

Land Toto could always have a home with me!  Heck we could go on adventures of our own.  But not ones that included dish water because I confess it makes me melt too, just like the wicked witch.  (Hmm any resemblance is just a minor coincidence!). Oh and no flying monkeys!

Now some of you might be thinking flying monkeys are just the thing.  So let me remind you about monkeys,  they are smart, manipulative and can be mean.  They also seem to have a poop fixation.  As in throwing it.  Now imagine that flying over your head.  I can’t even fathom, I mean a bird pooping on you in a flyby is horrible enough, but monkeys?  No siree!

And let’s face it, the tornado in that movie wasn’t all that bad.  I mean no lives were lost, no cattle learned how to fly. Houses remained in tact.  Too bad we don’t have those types of storms.

But what that movie taught me, the one thing at has stuck with me besides bad images is how many times what we think is behind the curtain  turns out to be something totally different.

sometimes the act of peering behind the curtain gives us power, let’s us see the whole picture and allows us to plan accordingly.  Other times we steal a bit of the magic and turn something back into ordinary every day stuff.

When it comes to people, especially people in authority positions I think it’s important to peer behind the curtain because so often they fail to be their true selves. Very few bosses in my work experience have been an authentic person.  Oh sure they are people, I will grant you that.  But somehow a title seems to go to their heads and suddenly they have big, booming voices and command al sorts of things that don’t make sense from where I’m standing.  That’s when I want to peer behind the curtain and see what I’m really dealing with.

Sure sometimes it is a case of power going to someone’s head.  Other times it is a case of insecurity manifesting as a dictator.  Or perhaps to hide their fear some people become cold, commanding and distant. The thing is, if you can manage to peek through the crack you can see who or what you are really dealing with and plan accordingly.

These days it seems there are a lot of wizards mascarading as management in corporations.  And some of these wizards have decided the best way to manage people is through fear and bullying, which is sad.  Because I bet, bead in that curtain is an interesting person, if only s/he’d let people in and being authentic and engaging.  Imagine then what type of work environment we’d have?!  Some companies are there, others are just starting and still others are just talking about it.  But I bet, if you think back, you’ve known a few wizards and maybe they e ordered a monkey or two to flyby and drop some pop on your head.

Lurking In The Green

Feeling cocky and full of bravado with the success of the orchid’s survival in the house, I boldly went out and purchased a few more house plants.  Who doesn’t need lucky bamboo?  Besides with a name like that surely it’s a sign to be bought and brought home! 😉. And a spider plant because well they are cute even if the word spider happens to be there.

So far they seem to be thriving in the house.  And by thriving I mean they haven’t wilted, died or started to go a funny brown color. If I’m successful with these, heck maybe I can grow my watermelon farm because how hard can it be?  😉

The reality is, although things seem to be going fine right now, these green plants scare me in a way no horror movie ever could.  I mean they are supposed to be good for the air quality in the house.  That’s a plus right?  Nothing scary right? But what if hey are plotting against me?

What if these plants are lulling me into a false sense of security and comfort?  What if they are going to stay green just until there is enough of hem to launch the attack?  No not Little Shop of Horrors attack either as thankfully they aren’t that type of plant.  Instead what if they decide not to give oxygen but instead steal it and do some funky off-gassing while they die?  What if there whole plan is to slowly poison me to death while looking like innocent green plants?

ok I know what you are thinking, she’s lost her mind.  Too much rain got into her brain and soaked it.  Or it melted in the heat.  Or her cheese has simply slipped off her cracker. Now all of these are possible so I’m not ruling them out, but think about this.  Think about how many plants cover this entire earth.  Think about what humans have done to the plants, their environments and such.  Now consider that there are some schools of thought that say the plants can communicate with each other.  Yeah, see what I mean? We’ve upset the plants.  They have disguised themselves into innocent, cute green things.  They are waiting for their moment of payback for all we’ve done in terms of harming them.  Then again maybe I’m just losing it! 😊

Losing It

Sometimes I think I’ve lost my mind.  Oh I’m not talking bout the nattering to yourself or an inanimate object type of lost your mind.  I’m talking the what the heck were you thinking kind of mind loss.

The type of have you lost your mind moments that find you turning on your oven to four hundred degrees Fahrenheit on a day that’s already sweltering.  I’m talking the kind of lost your mind as in you dint have any spare time, but somehow you counter for something that will take five hours of time you don’t even have.

in other words I’m talking about a constant occurence in my life.  I keep doing this stuff because there are so many things that I want to participate in. I know I’m not the only person who does this, but surely at some point I’d learn this lesson.  Evidently not yet because I think I just volunteered for something like seven different things!

So if you should see my kind rolling around somewhere on the floor like a lost or abandoned small toy please don’t feel obliged to send it back to me.  I will just lose it again!

Relationship With Fear

I listened to a man explain that when we give into fear we give power to that which we fear.  In other words if we can let go of that fear, the thug we are so scared of stops being scary and we can examine it closely for what it truly is.

He made it sound so simple, as though you simply tell yourself that you aren’t afraid of the subject, and after a small cloud of smoke or a wave of a wand or whatever magic it is, fear disappears.

the same man also said if we let go of our attachments and simply enjoy the moment in the present we not only lose fear, we also live a more full life. Again he made it sound like there was something mystical and magical about what he was saying.  Even though these aren’t really new ideas, or all that simple to enact.

I suppose there is something to letting go of hopes and dreams of the future in exchange for the full experience of now.  I also know this isn’t exactly the world’s easiest thing to do.

I wondered about these messages that were being given at this session.  First off the message that fear makes us somehow powerless seems wrong.  Fear is what keeps us alive in some situations.  Fear can keep us out of risky situations, save us from death or serious harm.

Fear, in some cases can be rather exhilarating, it’s just a case of how we take it in.  Some people enjoy the excitement and energy fear  can bring.  Some people love the jolt of emotions and adrenaline rush that can come when we are scared.  So is fear really such a bad thing?

Another thing that bothers me with these messages is that if we are holding on and attaching our selves to things we are some how denying ourselves a full life experience.  I can’t imagine how not forming attachments and bonds to people and animals makes life a more rich and full experience.  Living in the moment is fine and good,but getting to really know or love someone doesn’t happen exactly in that blink of an eye.

I suppose everything in moderation, including the idea of moderation itself makes more sense to me.  But then I love a good scare!

Three Tiny Words With Huge Meanings

Humble.  Humility.  Grace.  These are words I struggle with all the time friends.  All the time.  I once told a fellow classmate that if God gives us gifts or talents then surely we must also receive things to help where we are lacking.  And if not God than surely some thing in the universe that ensures all things balance out, more or less, in the end.

Since that time I’ve had people assure me I’d learn these things, like to be humble through experiences.  I’d grasp humility by being taught it as I go on this journey called life.  And grace would come to me, to teach me the way in time.  All these things would come.  No one said they would come easy or when I wanted either.

I suppose part of the problem with these words is that there a contest to them, one of surrender or weakness and that, at least not where I’m from, is a good thing.  One must be strong, tough as nails, able to hold her own.  One needs to know how to fight for what she wants, what she has and so on.  In other words you have to be tough.

But to live a humble life, to have humility and act in grace, don’t these all require deep strength?  Thus does it not mean I’m more weak for not being able to have these traits in my life? Am I weak for wanting them, knowing how hard of a struggle they are and knowing in some ways hey clash with the culture and the images in my life?