Youth

April 9, 2022

I’d Like To Have That Back

There was a time when it seemed everything was possible and doable within one day. There was a time when I could spend endless hours doing things, going places and still find time for myself. I don’t know when it happened or how it happened, but somehow, I lost that ability somewhere.

I’m not necessarily saying I want all of that back, but it would be nice to be able to summon that kind of energy and endurance now and then. Midnight used to seem to be nothing more than a marking of time. These days it’s a cruel reminder that I need to find my way to sleep if I want to be somewhat functional the next day.

Sleepless nights are no longer something that can be battled back with strong cups of coffee. So either I’ve had too many strong cups of coffee and sleepless nights that these are now ineffective, or I’ve somehow lost my ability to keep going.

That wild abandonment of energy, that careless use it wherever attitude from my youth has been wasted. Not that I could have actually stored the stuff away, saving it for when I got older and would need different energy reserves, but good heavens, it was wasteful, wasn’t it?

September 3, 2021

Artistic Images

There is a picture of Beloved that I adore. He’s not alone in it. He has his head thrown back laughing, caution tossed to the wind. There is a glitter body of water behind him. Pia, a former flame, is also laughing with light gleaming off her red hair, streaming in the breeze.

It’s as if this one moment has caught all the happiness and glee in the world for these two and held it always in the picture. It’s a way of bottling it up and saving it forever.

At first, he kept this picture stored away in an album. Then, I came across it one day while helping him pack things up for me to move in. I told him that it was one of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen. You can almost touch the sunlight, feel the breeze on your body, and feel the utter joy these two beings are experiencing.

There are no pictures like this of me. Not just because I wasn’t at sea, but because I’ve never liked how I’ve looked. The list of things wrong with my appearance could probably wrap around the earth and then some. Yet, I am envious of this confidence and comfort with self that both of them have in this picture. I hope that the joy and utter abandonment that he shows in this picture still feels now.

November 24, 2018

Once He Was

Time is a funny thing.  I posted before about how when we are young it seems to draw by and yet as we get older it slips through our fingers.  But time is funny in other ways too and today I was reminded about one of the other funny sides of time.

No matter how it moves, as we get older, it fools us.  Once you reach a certain age, you still feel like you can do everything you could when you were younger.  Such as climbing trees, running fast or lifting heavy objects.  And at that certain age, when you do these things, that feel like it should be the same as before, you are reminded that you are not as flexible, lithe or strong as you once were.

Sure you can carry out those tasks.  Once though, where as once upon a time those very tasks were easy to do, repeatedly even if it’s required.

There was a time, back when Beloved was in his prime (before I knew him) where he could sling heavy bags without a second thought.  Today when he moved a heavy suitcase for me, he did it. And then told me if I wanted it moved again, I would have to wait until he was up to as he settled into a comfortable chair for a wee rest.  If you were to ask Beloved, he would tell you that when he went to moved my suitcase, he had thought nothing of it. As he was moving it, he was reminded that there are many things that one acquires with age, however it comes with one having to give up other things, for him it was realizing that while he could move the heavy bags once, he wasn’t as good at it as he once was!

September 27, 2014

On Bended Knees, Of Sorts

I wish I had listened when they told me not to do it. I wish I had thought about what they were saying instead of just ignoring their chorus of voices. But youth is ignorant and brash. Youth doesn’t listen, oh sure youth can hear, it not listen.

My friends, it istrue, you will miss your knees when they are gone.

Now I can’t say I know exactly where they went, or even why they went. All I can say is my knees aren’t here any more. Oh but they were sneaky things, these knees of mine for if you look at my legs it appears as though I have them. My legs look as though they should bend with ease, as if the straight stiffness of the leg is broken up by bendy joints. And yet they aren’t.

If you should see my knees, I will post a picture of them on posts and fences, please return them for I miss them. And frankly, I need them. It is impossible to sit comfortably without knees. I can’t tie my shoes when they are on my feet wise.

Most of all, no knees means no curling up with Beloved and that is truly dreadful. Let us not discuss things like putting on pants or driving the car either.

I suppose knees like all other things, don’t like to be taken for granted. And I know I took mine for granted when I was younger. Oh the reckless running and jumping the strain and stress I out on them. I never thanked them for being there for me, not once did I say “great job” or “thanks knees” and now, now that they are gone I want to say all this and more.