It was a milkshake kind of day for Beloved. Not that he has them all the time or even every month. Just now and then he will look over at the blender and decide he should use it for a milkshake. And so he will set about decided what flavor milkshake he wants.
Once he has figured this little issue, he next has to go and buy ice cream as we don’t have any in the house. Sometimes he has to buy other ingredients as well, like fruit or milk. And then he has to do whatever preperarion he needs to do before he can make his milkshake.
Finally he will blend items in the blender to just the right consistency before dumping it into a huge glass already outfitted with a straw. Finally he take his glass containing his fresh milkshake and find a comfortable spot with his book or tablet and enjoy the moment. Or moments as the case may be as it may take him a while to consume his milkshake depending upon how large he made it and how thick it is.
What he won’t do before consuming his drink is clean up the mess. He will unplug the blender, but that’s about it. Sometimes a little elf will come along and magically clean the mess. And sometimes the elf stays away leaving the mess for him to deal with. Which he will do, once his milkshake is finished. And then he will vow to not have another because it’s simply not worth the mess involved in making it. I will say nothing because it’s not my place. Idon’t drink milkshakes and I don’t consume ice cream. So I say nothing and smile because I know there will be a next time.
A very good friend of mine was a professional athlete. Was because he got injured and then washed out of his sport. No fault of his own, but sport is something of the strongest making it and the weakest washing out. And now he’s finding his way in a world that makes sense to most people his age. He’s a bit behind on this and says he’s also washing out of life in general.
Deep down he knows he isn’t washing out, but he says it’s an overwhelming sense of complete failure. I understand his feelings, I really do.
Let’s face it we all feel like we are washing out or have washed out at some point in life. The key is ride the waves both of feeling like washing out and riding the wave of success.
It’s easy to forget the waves of success because they are easy to ride. And when things are easy we forget these things. Where as the hard stuff seems to stay imprinted on us. Making us feel like we are struggling to keep our heads above water. Most often these struggles are never as many as the easy waves. However we only fixate on the hard stuff, the negative.
But if I must wash out, I want to wash out on a nice secluded beach. And wash into a nice and easy life.
The four-footed one likes to flop down in pools of sunshine when they appear on the floor. She simply settles down and rests, even if she just work up not that long ago. Thr four-footed one also likes to hear the sound of a knife on a cutting board as she believes she will get food. The four-footed one also likes the sounds of food being unwrapped, in hope that some food could come her way.
Why am I telling you this? Because today the trifecta of sun, sounds and more sounds all came together in one moment. She found sound and settled down about the same time as a bit of food was being unwrapped and then cut on the cutting board. She was torn between leaving the valuable patch of sun to see if she could get some food or staying in the sun and potentially missing out on a sample of something delicious. She would open her eyes wide, lift her head and get ready to go to the kitchen only to be lulled by a moment of silence and the warmth of the sun.
No we weren’t teasing her, it was all simply a case of perfect timing or such. And in the end the sun won out. After all even though she tends to live in the moment, she recognized that the sun would be more fleeting and we were more likely to offer her food later on. She wasn’t wrong on either case.
There may be something calculated in her behavior I think. Beloved says not calculating at all, she’s just learned the routine well enough to know which is more likely to wait around.
I said yes! Yes to more time with him. Yes to holding his hands more nights. Yes to listening to him sort out his work. Yes to sitting beside him while we both read books. Yes to listening to his heart beat at night. This is what I said yes to. No a ring, not a dress or a ceremony. Not a piece of paper. None of that will ever get a yes from me. And he knows that.
But he also knows that my yes is worth more than any ring, more than any country or person recognizing us as a couple. Because when you get down to it, the really small part of,it that somehow is the largest piece of this puzzle, I said yes to the one thing that matters. To him.
There will be no music, no choir singing or magical rainbow scenes. Frankly there won’t be a chnage to much of anything because I didn’t say yes today, I said that years ago. Today I simply said yes to this all again.
That’s right, I said yes to all the craziness that comes with being with him. I said yes to the downs as well as the ups. Yes to long nights, cranky moments and times that we simply need space from each other. Because when you love someone, you said yes to the good and the bad. Yes to tough times and struggles as well as the good times and hugs.
Sometimes in my bed late at night, I close my eyes and hope that daylight comes soon. Everything seems much larger and scarier in the dark of night, especially when you are in bed wanting nothing more than to so sleep, but you can’t because the demons run through your head.
And sometimes daylight offers no help either. It appears that some demons are not impacted by light. And so those things continue to be large and scary and life threatening, and yet, even though it’s light out, I still cannot see them. But I know they are there, haunting my every second.
Sometimes in my bed late at night, I close my eyes and I sleep with no effort or concern. Not because the demons have gone away, shrunk or gotten any less scary. I am not sure if that’s even possible. So why can I sleep? Because I’ve figured out what I’m going to do with the demons. I have a plan, one that will address the issues at hand.
Sometime I can enact those plans in the light of day, and sometimes the plans take a few days to have fully in place. It doesn’t matter how long, it only that I have a plan of action.
The plan only holds the demons at bay though, it doesn’t vanquish them. During times of hardship or struggle, I wish I could vanquish them all. But life requires balance and these demons fill that part of the equation so I guess there is something to be said about knowing how to control them and keep them in check rather than creating a new issue by removing them.
You ever have one of these days? The ones that you think are going swimmingly along and you may in fact be somewhat ahead of schedule? And then when you recheck your schedule you forgot something or missed a key step and instead of being ahead you are behind where you should have been?
That was my day today. It started out great, I was ahead with no effort at all. And around mid-morning I decided to check my list and calendar, just to see how far ahead I was. At the first glance, I was a good two and half hours ahead of where I should have been.
Not wanting to coast at this point, I just continued checking things off my list as I went. Shortly afternoon I decided to see what else was on my calendar and that’s when everything changed. You see friends while I was hours ahead of where I should have been, it was only possible because I missed doing a whole section of work.
And the piece I missed would alter the budget for all the pieces I did after it. So while I was hours ahead, I had hours to do just to play catch up. You ever have one of those days or is that just me?
Glitter. The sparkle of light hitting something, giving it a big of magic. Glitter, the stuff people throw around to make things seem special. Glitter is also now in make up and clothing because who doesn’t want to sparkle and shine?
This girl, that’s who. I don’t want to wear glitter, I don’t want to have glittery things. Especially when the glittery stuff doesn’t remain on the what it supposed to.
Allow me to present to you Exhibit A: tissue paper presented in a gift bag. Notice that this paper is not just regular tissue paper? Notice all the fancy cut pieces of glitter lightly glued to the paper? (Okay so you can’t see it, but I’m sure you get the picture.) Please note that as the tissue paper is pulled out of the bag, the glitter decides to head for freedom. That’s right, it jumps off the paper to, well, everywhere in the house.
Allow me to present to you Exhibit B: a sparkly bit of dog excrement. Yes you read that right. Sparkly dog excrement. As in my dog is now crapping glitter, because glitter is everywhere in the house. And she’s a dog. So naturally she needs to investigate. With her mouth. Naturally all that’s glitter must surely pass. And so it does.
Allow me to present to you the final exhibit, Exhibit C. This is the detritus from the emptied canister belong to the vacuum cleaner after the vacuum was run over the floor. This was shortly after the tissue paper with the glitter on it had been pulled out of the bag. Naturally the cleaner did not get all the glitter, see Exhibit B above for where the rest of it went.
So please, no matter how much you think glitter is great. No matter how sparkly it is, or how special you think it will make something…keep it away from me. And my dog. And the floor. Thanks!
Beloved is the kind of man who knows what looks good. He knows what looks good on him and he knows what looks good on me. The fact is, Beloved can dress me better than I can dress myself. Mostly because I value comfort over fashion. But now and then I’m okay at finding something that is comfortable and fashionable. Understand that this is a rare deal.
Now I may not be the smartest person in the world, I mean I know I am not, but I know that when I need a certain look, I can just call the man or tell him what I need. He will dutifully seek and acquire the very items I need. And he will always do one better, be it a necklace or earrings that he thinks will fully complete the look.
Of course now and then Beloved is too busy to go out and acquire what I need. Thankfully in this day and age, he can use his skills and find the required goods online. Before the Internet, I’m pretty sure I would have to make do with what I have in the house. Which I would probably be fine with, unless of course it’s a two week cohort at which point this simply will not do. (The truth is, two weeks of having to be fashionable at the cost of comfort would be my version of a fresh level of hell.)
And then there are days like today. Days when I could use his eye and it is simlpy not available. So I make do w th what I have and carry on hoping I’ve managed the look he had in mind when he first bought the clothes. I’m pretty sure today’s dress was not meant to be matched with the light weight cardigan I grabbed, but it was cold out and the dress had capped sleeves. I’m just going to call it creatively comfortable yet presentable. Or perhaps pulled together but somehow wrong.
Someone once told me, what controls your mind will then control your body. This statement was offered to me when I was having a high lupus day. You know, one of the days where lupus flares are stronger than you are. I remeber I was struggling to get myself to my car so I could go home and this well meaning person offered me that statement.
Now I don’t know about you friends, but when I’m feeling poorly, the last thing I am is understanding or likely to edit my responses. So when this gem of a statement was offered up, along with a cheerful smile, I just shook my head at the silliness of the statement. I mean positive thoughts will not overcome the pain, swelling and exhaustion of a lupus flare. Trust me, I know. And trust me, if this concept worked, every lupus warrior, every patient with any issue would get on board with positive thoughts and end up cured.
I’m sure this was a well meaning person thought these were helpful words. How could anyone who doesn’t have lupus possibly understand that not only do I feel so much pain and exhaustion, it I also feel a sense of failure. As in I’m a failure for being sick, for having this flare. And this is also tinged with a touch of guilt at not pulling my own weight. But yes of course, if I think positive thoughts all will be better, everything will go away.
Now yes not dwelling in negative emotions for long is healthy and good. But what’s really good is being able to deal with all the emotions that come with a chronic illness. Realizing that yes soemtimes guilt, fear, failure and sadness come with the illness. But they aren’t the whole of illness. It’s complex and complicated, just like the illness itself, so please do not assume something as simple as positive thoughts will take care of it all.
I didn’t get to Memphis. I meant to go, but I got side tracked and lost track of my path and when I picked the path back up again I had forgotten about going to Memphis. Instead I ended up in Sedona, not wondering why I was there, but not sure what I could do there either. It was like I opened my eyes and there I was, in Sedona wondering what to do with myself.
I suppose I could have gone back to Memphis, but something else caught my eye and off I went. Memphis was simply going to have to wait. A few times over as I ended up in Paris after that and spent a glorious month in Provance after Paris. Then it was Rome followed by the Loch Ness.
Sure Memphis will be there, other than if there is a major disaster or such. So I just always put it to the back of my mind and carried on being carried along. And then one day Beloved said something about going where ones heart will go. And he handed me plane tickets to Memphis. Two tickets. Even though he had no desire to go to Memphis. He answered the question in my eyes by saying that love has you following someone you love that much.
So that’s how we got to Memphis,even though I can’t say that by the time we got there, I could even remeber why I needed or wanted to go to Memphis. But we enjoyed the time, each other and Memphis.