I went out last night. A few drinks and a nice meal was the plan. I am, after all, somewhat grown up and mature. Somewhat.
The menu had a little of everything on it from local food to strange fusion food. Anything basically to tempt you into wanting something. I guess the chef may have started with one type of cuisine, and somehow that one thing led to another thing and suddenly there was a menu with a bit of everything for everyone.
It wasn’t the sort of place that I’d normally go to, but a friend suggested we try it for something different, and so we found ourselves there. Out at night, like the adults we are. Giggling over the names of food as well as some of the combinations. We may have giggled over a few of the more dramatic guests at other tables too. (There may have been some adult beverages involved.)
I used to go out at night, not to eat, but drink and have a good time. What I recall of those days, my misspent youth if you will, is that time either slipped away too quickly or lingered way too long before I could leave. I also seem to recall meeting little bit of everything as well as people and their careers. Just enough to get you interested, but not enough to really understand any of it. Besides that wasn’t really the point I don’t think.
So we went out last night, for some drinks and a nice meal and after the shock of the menu, we enjoyed ourselves without the huge hassle of a million people and some wolves dressed as innocents.
I have this friend, she’s an amazing woman. She is strong in her own right, she has fought her own battles and come out stronger even if she feels more broken. She is wise and caring even as she stumbles along in her relationships. And sometimes she tells me what’s right.
We don’t talk much, this friend and I. Not because I don’t love her, for I do. But rather it is because I love her so fiercly that I cannot spend oddles of time with her.
In some ways I’ve known her my entire life without that ever being the case. She knows me better sometimes than I do. She knows that even when I say I will do something, it might not happen as I will be off and chasing something else.
She brings out the best parts of me, but sometimes in the worst ways. I’n not sure how or why this is the case, but it seems to always work out this way. She will embolden me to try something, but then when I do, it will be something that takes me spinning out of her area. And somehow that becomes an issue.
She is the diligent ant to my playful grasshopper. She is the person you turn to when things get horrible and you have no food because she has those skills. And yet if you were to ask her, she’d tell you she is terrified of not having food. She is terrified of trying something new and yet she does, in her own way.
And maybe you can’t get far on this type of friendship, or maybe it isn’t even the very definition of friendship, but it sits there. Crazy.
She was the size of a small cloth. She fit in my hand with room to spare and yet she took over my whole heart. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t do anything other than snuggle into me. And that was it, she won my heart over and we were a couple.
She’s the size of a shoebox, still full of the puppy playfulness in her and she’s bruised my heart a million times over with all those paw prints she keeps imprinting on it. She doesn’t have to do anything really, just look at me, or sigh in her sleep and she owns my heart even more.
She’s the size a shoebox, having grown from fitting in one of my hands with room to spare to being what she is today. She knows she owns my heart and while she does leave bruises on it, she doesn’t mean harm. She just keeps walking on it in a good way.
She curls up against me, she pushes every so gently for more space in my heart and when I think there will be simply no way for her to get more space, she somehow does. I’m so amazed by how much she has taken and continues to take while giving so much more back to me in the form of unconditional love, that time seems to be rushing further ahead.
She is the size of a shoebox, but she demands the space of large building in my heart. She demand that for love, to be loved and to love back. And some how she gets it all and more!
When you have a chronic illness, or a serious illness, it is easy to become that illness. This isn’t intentional on your part, it just seems to happen. Probably because you have so many medical appointments tied into your health. Maybe because it is all you can think about. Perhaps it is this way because your health, the status of the illness and such ends up dominating your conversation until it seems your illness has consumed who you are.
Some people will push back against their illness becoming who they are. Some people will fight hard, do things they always did before their illness, just to prove they are more than the illness. I understand that. I have been there myself.
However there are some people who cannot fight against this. They cannot do anything beyond resting, trying to care for themselves and attending to their appointments. Does this make them weaker? Does this make them their illness?
When you are healthy and well, it can be hard to understand how sick a person can be. And how long it can take a person to find any form of energy to be spent on anything beyond his or her illness. Please don’t judge. You cannot possible understand how incredibly hard it may be to be yourself and not your illness until you have had to face something like this yourself.
If you happen to be blessed to have never been in this situation I ask you to please be kind to us. We don’t mean to become our illness, we don’t want to wear it like our identity. It just happens that way sometimes. But truly underneath the trappings of that illness, we are still who we’ve always been!
Do you mind if I sit here? I don’t mind sharing the space, I just need a place to rest.
What’s that? Oh no, I’m fine. It just happens to be one of those days. Maybe you’ve had one of them yourself. You know the kind where as soon as you get one thing finished something else moves up on the to-do list and so you keeping going at that pace? Yeah it’s been one of those days. And the to-do list keeps growing rather than getting smaller.
Yes I see you do know the kind of day I’m talking about. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with to-do lists or anything like that. Sometimes I feel like doing just what I want to do. Is that so wrong?
I’m glad you agree! Some people seem to be unstoppable. They just keep going and going, never worrying about those to-do lists. I wonder what those people do to have that much energy when I have days where it seems that breathing takes up a huge amount of my energy. Oh sure I could stop breathing, but that sort of defeats the purpose of it all.
Yes now that you bring it up, not breathing also means avoiding all those to-do lists. Hmm that is interesting. But I think I will pass.
What’s that? Oh, no I don’t have a lung condition. I have lupus. Which sometimes makes it seem like I have a lung condition. Or a heart condition. And sometimes I just don’t have enough energy for those to-do lists!
Well thanks for sharing the space, I need to get on the next thing that I can manage on my to-do list.
Someone told me that if I broke a mirror, I would have 7 years of bad luck. Not that I was interested in testing this theory out, but over the years I have broken some mirrors. And while I didn’t keep track of the bad luck to year ratio, I’m confident that it wouldn’t amount to seven years.
So go ahead, break a mirror if you need to. I know I’ve needed to break one because it was the only way to really see myself.
The problem with the mirror is that it doesn’t show the whole, truth of who we are. As a matter of fact it only reflects an image that we then interpret. And if you are at all like me, you tend to hear other people’s helpful advice on how to interpret things. Such as your nose is too big, your eyes are dull. Maybe you lack cheekbones. Perhaps your dimples make you look childish. Whatever it is, whatever we’ve heard and seen, that is what we use when we peer at that image reflected back at us. And it’s a lie.
You see friends, the mirror can never show who you are. It will never show your creative whims. It cannot capture your generous heart, courageous spirit or thoughtful approach. It will never show how amazing you are as a friend or how you can be a calming and peaceful influence. These are far more important than the lines that show our journeys. Heck our journeys help us to grow as people.
So break a mirror, or two, it’s okay. In some ways it’s liberating and therapeutic. And in case you are wondering, you look wonderful!
Sometimes it is easier to just throw up your hands and give up. Your heart is tired and hurting. You thoughts are heavy or empty. You feel lost, broken, crushed up and wonder why you should pick yourself up again and go with it.
We all get to these places at times. Perhaps it is because we try so hard and seem to still fail at what we want to do. Perhaps we love so openly and easily that we are always hurt. Perhaps it seems that the world doesn’t understand it.
Maybe, just maybe, we feel like our spirit or soul has been broken and damaged beyond repair. The thing is, sometimes we’ve stopped caring as we just get caught up in the day to day of life that we ignore feeding our soul or spirit.
Our soul or spirit requires care and nourishment like the rest of us. Part of that care and nourishment is not letting it rest too much. That’s right, you need to show it love and care and let it do it’s thing.
Don’t worry, if you have let it rest or hide because you are empty or broken, your soul or spirit will remember what to do. You just need to show it that you care by getting up and keep trying as best you can. It will, in turn, get back into things like riding a bicycle and before you know it, you won’t feel completely broken or empty. Changed? Yes. Different? Perhaps, but not as you were before.
So no matter what you feel or where your struggle is, remember that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep, that first one. No one travels the world without support, help and interaction with others. You are not alone, nor are you so broke that your spirit or soul has left you for good.