Although I am a morning person and frequently rise before dawn, I’m not a huge fan of 1:30 wake up calls. These, thankfully, rarely happen in my life. When they do, I know it is never a good thing. Today the four-footed one decided to be the cause of the early call.
She likes to sleep on our bed, sometimes curling up near one of our pillows, other times she will curl up against us. Now and then she likes to sleep on top of Beloved. She settles down on his chest, if he’s on his back, and curls up into a ball and promptly falls asleep. Her warm little body acts as calming measure and soon he is asleep with her.
Today her reason for calling me was she was sick. On Beloved. A sleeping Beloved. She had crawled up onto his chest at some point and the two of them were fast asleep. And then she was suddenly wide awake, and being rather ill all over a semi-sleeping Beloved. Which meant that 1:30 I ended up having to do laundry, bathe a dog and Beloved grabbed a shower.
Needless to say we were wide awake after that. Coffee, a warm meal, and a sit down with a decent talk soon followed. And eventually the four-footed one fell asleep on Beloved’s legs. Because some how, despite feeling unwell and all, she had no trouble falling back asleep. The same cannot be side for either Beloved or myself. Mind you in his case, he may be afraid to fall sleep with the four-food one and her targeted wake up calls!
There is nothing like a warm cookie, freshly baked and now slowly being devoured by you. Or at least frequent my there is nothing likeable freshly baked cookies. I have had to amend this after Beloved’s latest attempt at cookies. He had picked up oat flour for making something for the four-footed one. She enjoyed her cookies that he made with that oat flour.
He decided to try to make cookies for us with the left over oat flour. Who am I to say no to fresh cookies? Exactly so I said go for it and give it a whirl. What’s the worst that could happen? Well, it could have been how fine oat flour is. How it travels throughout the house when used in a mixer. Or maybe it is how oat flour doesn’t work the same as regular flour. You have to firm the dough up with cold in order to get the cookies shaped. Or maybe it was the texture of the cookies freshly out of the oven. A bit grainy and not as comforting as his cookies made out of the regular flour.
I mean they weren’t horrible, but not exactly what I was expecting either. And naturally I was left with the clean up. Oat flour works differently than wheat flour. At least the stuff Beloved bought. It was hard to clean up. Normally hot water, soap, and a touch of elbow grease gets it all clean. This stuff required a lot of elbow grease.
Beloved will tell you he also needed a lot of milk to wash down the cookies because they don’t melt in the mouth the same way.
For a highly educated adult of average intelligence, I sure do some stupid things. No, honestly I do. Oh so you need examples do you? Fair enough, but honestly even I know I do stupid things.
Exhibit 1 of my stupidity: pretending that everything is okay. Call it hiding if you must, or hoping for the best, but no matter what you call it, I have done this. More than once. Typically this is in responsible to some physical symptom or such. For example ignoring a sudden swelling in one foot/leg and continuing to walk on. For weeks. And onky going to seek medical opinions when I could no longer get a shoe on my foot and the skin was stretched very thin. My doctor gave me a huge lecture and ordered all sorts of tests to see if I have a clot.
I knew something was wrong, but I tried to ignore it and pretend it was no big deal. Until I couldn’t and enough people insisted I get it looked at. And then the doctor hospitalized me immediately. That was a few years ago and to this day, that foot and lower leg is more swollen than the other one.
Exhibit 2: finding reasons for so sing to be a certain way. Such as being short of breath. I decided it was the residual effects of a cold I had. Followed by being out of shape a bit. For months on end. I even pretended the cough that didn’t go away was a residual effect of the cold. The doctor ordered tests and found abnormal cells. Lung cancer. That could have been easily dealt with except I let it continue to grow and get stronger.
In both cases if these situations has happened to a friend, I would have demanded they seek medical attention now. I could have mentioned things like fear of clot and such. But when it comes to me…I do stupid things. Because it’s easier than having to deal with another health issue or life issue.
I knew this day would arrive; it just wasn’t marked on my calendar. I had envisioned this day for awhile. I had thought of all the ways I would say things, what I would do, and how I would feel. Naturally, it did not turn out how I envisioned it.
Quitting can be liberating experts say. In my experience, this can be a truth. The experts fail to address the knocking knees and pounding of your heart when you are quitting the known for the unknown. Everyone muddles through it.
With knees shaking a bit, heart-pounding, and a dry mouth, I did my quitting. Not of a job this time. Instead, I quit my career. It has been scary since I said those words the first time. Very scary.
I’m not sure that I will be successful with my next endeavor. I won’t know until I try and give both it and myself some time. Perhaps quitting will be a huge mistake, I did not have to do it. I did it because I wanted to be in a place to set my schedule (if you have a chronic illness, this can be very important to you). I want the freedom to work when I can, where I happen to be without having to compromise too much. Time will tell if this works out that way. During this time, I remind myself I am more than a career or illness.
I bet you didn’t know you could use a clean mop to get the dirt off your ceiling while you sit comfortably in a chair. You may think I’m lazy. You may think I’m a horrible cook or at least a very messy one. The truth is, Beloved is an excellent cook. He is also a very messy one. He tends to forget the mess in the name of great food.
It isn’t a case of being lazy that has me reach for chair with wheels while I clean the ceilings. It’s lupus. Life with lupus means getting creative at times, whether it is cleaning a mess, tackling the stairs, or doing my hair.
You’d get creative too if you had hand pain or stiffness the way I do. I bet you’d discover that sometimes rags attached to your slippers are perfect substitutes for a mop. Think of it as skating across your floor while you clean!
Need to clean the stairs and can’t get down them? Slide down on your butt, while wearing a pair of soft pants. Make sure you slide your butt across the entire stair before sliding down to the next one! Undignified? Perhaps, but fun. You could also teach your pet to clean the stairs, but you would have to use the reward system for this. Now it’s your turn!
The four-footed one is an explorer. Give her a new toy; she will explore the entire toy before deciding how best to play with it! Give her a new piece of food; she will go through a full exploration before she even puts it in her mouth! Present her with a new animal to meet; she will use all her senses to identify it as a friend or foe. She is that kind of girl.
I love that about her. The mouse she encountered this morning may not feel the same about her as I do. After all, the mouse appeared to be looking for food. I can’t say that I’d be wanting a large, hairy dog to come up to me and sniff me while I was gathering seeds. And I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy a paw on my head either. I know the mouse did not enjoy the warm, wet tongue darting out at it.
Watching this encounter made me worry about the mouse. Could it have a heart attack from the stress of this meeting? Would it be traumatized for life when the four-footed one was only trying to make a new friend?
I imagine the mouse heading back to his house to tell everyone about the encounter he just had. I also imagined the mouse thinking I was a bit crazy for worrying about it. Am I the only one who does this?
With trembling legs, I launched myself into the air, towards the water. I was scared, but my father was standing in the water, waiting to catch me, so I took a break and jumped.
I recall this moment each time I try something new or daunting. It may seem silly, but it works as a reminder that fear or apprehension is natural. It also reminds me that these feelings should not stop me from trying something new or exciting.
People talk about doing something that scares them. People also talk about doing something when they prepared. Faith, trust, and hope can take you far into new experiences.
Fear, apprehension, or anxiety can hold you back from doing something amazing. Aren’t you worth having amazing things in your life? Of course, you are!
Next time you have something new or daunting to do, consider how many new experiences you have had. Consider how some of them have been scary. And remind yourself how you overcame the fear. You opened yourself up to the new experience. If you’ve done this once, you can do it again.
Sure, you may end up in the water now and then. Landings won’t always be perfect or smooth. Waiting for perfection means waiting rather than taking action. Action is better than waiting forever. So, why are you waiting?