I’ve come to that point in my life where I start to question aches and pains. Before I’d brush off things, linking them back to activities from earlier in the day. And then after that I could easily point things to lupus. But now, now I question things like why do the insides of my forearms feel weak and burning? Is this a sign of another illness or something else, something spinster and threatening?
I’m pretty sure this happens when we reach a certain age, but I don’t see it in my friends or Beloved. Some of them are older than I am and yet they seem to be okay with things. I don’t hear them question odd aches or pains or strange sensations in their necks and wonder if it’s a heart attack. Oh no these people aren’t there yet. But they will be. And I will be waiting.
Maybe I will tell them it’s nothng, or to go see their doctors. Perhaps I will suggest they relax. Or maybe I will kindly point out that they aren’t that old yet. Not yet. Of course we may never get that old. Not because we don’t live long lives, but because we just never see ourselves as that old. Who knows.
I’d ponder more on this, but I’ve got to google burning pain on my inner knees and twitching eye. This could be serious, but I doubt it.
A small table. Two chairs. A nice bit of cloth. Some sparking glasses and a pitcher of something refreshing and just right. A patch of sunlight. A gentle breeze carrying the music softly as it makes it way along. So perfect for what we wanted and needed.
No it wasn’t anything super fancy. No servants to fill the glasses or bring the food to us. But that’s okay because we aren’t that type of people anyway. I’d not know what to do with someone to pour my drink, wait on my every whim. Besides if it happened all the time, I’d take it for granted. Not to mention forget how to do it for myself.
So yes it wasn’t the south of France, heck it wasn’t even that far away that we couldn’t hear the traffic. But it didn’t matter. Love is like that isn’t it? It’s taking what you have and somehow realizing that love makes it all that much more special and perfect.
It’s stolen moments in a hectic day. A quick touch as you pass in a hallway. It’s the dishes and the chores. It’s the boring stuff as well as the exciting times. And it’s a small table with two chairs set up waiting for two people to simply sit in comfortable silence, enjoying each other for just being there.
I said yes! Yes to more time with him. Yes to holding his hands more nights. Yes to listening to him sort out his work. Yes to sitting beside him while we both read books. Yes to listening to his heart beat at night. This is what I said yes to. No a ring, not a dress or a ceremony. Not a piece of paper. None of that will ever get a yes from me. And he knows that.
But he also knows that my yes is worth more than any ring, more than any country or person recognizing us as a couple. Because when you get down to it, the really small part of,it that somehow is the largest piece of this puzzle, I said yes to the one thing that matters. To him.
There will be no music, no choir singing or magical rainbow scenes. Frankly there won’t be a chnage to much of anything because I didn’t say yes today, I said that years ago. Today I simply said yes to this all again.
That’s right, I said yes to all the craziness that comes with being with him. I said yes to the downs as well as the ups. Yes to long nights, cranky moments and times that we simply need space from each other. Because when you love someone, you said yes to the good and the bad. Yes to tough times and struggles as well as the good times and hugs.
I didn’t get to Memphis. I meant to go, but I got side tracked and lost track of my path and when I picked the path back up again I had forgotten about going to Memphis. Instead I ended up in Sedona, not wondering why I was there, but not sure what I could do there either. It was like I opened my eyes and there I was, in Sedona wondering what to do with myself.
I suppose I could have gone back to Memphis, but something else caught my eye and off I went. Memphis was simply going to have to wait. A few times over as I ended up in Paris after that and spent a glorious month in Provance after Paris. Then it was Rome followed by the Loch Ness.
Sure Memphis will be there, other than if there is a major disaster or such. So I just always put it to the back of my mind and carried on being carried along. And then one day Beloved said something about going where ones heart will go. And he handed me plane tickets to Memphis. Two tickets. Even though he had no desire to go to Memphis. He answered the question in my eyes by saying that love has you following someone you love that much.
So that’s how we got to Memphis,even though I can’t say that by the time we got there, I could even remeber why I needed or wanted to go to Memphis. But we enjoyed the time, each other and Memphis.
Beloved has seen a lot of violence, heart ache and trauma in his life. Some he was witnessed first hand and some from a place of safety. In a few cases he has been in the middle, trapped by trauama and violence. Min other instances his emotions have lead him so close to so much hurt. And yet he is not a hard man.
Beloved’s ability to provide empathy is amazing, especially considering all he has been through. Often times I marvel at his compassion and understanding while I just shrug my shoulders and move on. In some ways I wonder if we must go through some sort of trial or tribulation in order to crack the hard shells around us. In order to share compassion and empathy freely.
Mostly though I just marvel at this man who gives so freely of himself. No question, no judgment, no need to fully understand. Just to offer up compassion and understanding or empathy when it required. There is something awe inspiring and magical about this ability of his. The same as his ability to make it seem as if you are the only in his range of listening and feeling.
I stand in awe, as I realize that the strongest among us are not the hardest. Instead they are the ones who,offer the help, the co,passion and the understanding as they wade into the pain.
I listened to a little boy explain to his dad how when the boy grew up he was going to be a vampire,but the good kind not the bad kind. I had no idea that there were types of vampires until today. And I forgot that when I was young, I could grow up to be anything I wanted too.
Except I didn’t. Not really. I seem to fcall wanting to be able to fly. And never work. Instead I was going to have a place for all the animals to come and be my friend. Yes, all of the animals.
Instead this weird thing happened. I grew up. Life happened, so did school and acareer and somewhere along the lines, Beloved happened. I have had animals in my life, to be sure I have. But not all of the animals. Nope, not all.
And sure I love my job. Most of the time. But it’s not the same as a day stretching endlessly to be filled with whatever catches your fancy. It gets in the way sometimes.
As for flying? Yes well only in airplanes, I’m afraid. So to that young man explaining how he was going to be a vampire when he grew up, I say go for it. But know life gets in the way.
It’s that time of year where you probably are full of energy and motivation for losing weight, sleeping better, or whatever. We are early enough in the year for that hope and shine to still be buoyed with the optimism for achieving whatever it is.
It is also that time of year where you can hear coworkers talk about torture, levels of pain or starvation. All in the quest for a new or improved version of themselves. After all this is the year. They tried last year, but life got in the way, but this year they have it figured out.
And soon enough a number of people will drop back to the levels they were at last year. The shine is off the optimism for the most part, but hey things can still be accomplished, just more realistically. Because life gets in the way.
And some point there will be no shine and just heavy tarnish on the hope and optimism. Because again, life gets in the way with curve balls.
Beloved is one of those people full of hope and shine that this is the year he sheds a few pounds. But you can already see the dimming happen because life gets in the way!