self love

June 5, 2022

Filled Hollows And Empty Canvas

Someone once told me that having a sense of emptiness in your life was a bad thing. The way he described it, he made it sound like we shouldn’t have any moments left as empty spaces. Instead, he made it sound as if we should have every second filled with some activity or emotion.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just want to sit or simply be. I am not defined by my actions, thoughts, or emotions, or rather I am not defined by lack of these things.

It may be hard to understand in a world that is constantly on the go; everyone is doing something or is connected and seeing what someone else is doing. I enjoy these blank spaces, these huge canvases that are waiting for whatever form of art I spread across them. Sometimes the art is small, and other times it fills the canvas and beyond.

Some days the canvas is art in the form of existing as a blank space, a statement of the value of having empty moments and sacred gaps in our busy lives. The hollowness of those spaces are filling in their own way, giving me time to breathe and be still. Frankly, we may all be a little better off if we had more hollow time.

September 18, 2021

Nailing It

“Get your nails done,” she told me as she pushed the paper into my hands. This was the second time this year that my neighbor had given me a coupon to get my nails done for free at the local nail salon.

The first time I ended up with not just a manicure but some special hand treatment that involved wax and a lovely smelling lotion. It was delightful and not something I would have ever done for myself.

This time was different because I had a deep rip on the side of one of my nails. The technician took one look at the tear and told me she could work with it so it would grow out and not get snagged on items. Who could turn something like this down? Not me.

So we tried a different approach, a different color, and we are good to go. You see, my neighbor thinks that I deserve nice things, like fancy nails and such. She also is the aunt of the salon owner. As an aunt, she receives coupons to get her nails done all the time. She says that at her age, it’s all silly. Apparently, I am not at that age yet.

September 3, 2021

Artistic Images

There is a picture of Beloved that I adore. He’s not alone in it. He has his head thrown back laughing, caution tossed to the wind. There is a glitter body of water behind him. Pia, a former flame, is also laughing with light gleaming off her red hair, streaming in the breeze.

It’s as if this one moment has caught all the happiness and glee in the world for these two and held it always in the picture. It’s a way of bottling it up and saving it forever.

At first, he kept this picture stored away in an album. Then, I came across it one day while helping him pack things up for me to move in. I told him that it was one of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen. You can almost touch the sunlight, feel the breeze on your body, and feel the utter joy these two beings are experiencing.

There are no pictures like this of me. Not just because I wasn’t at sea, but because I’ve never liked how I’ve looked. The list of things wrong with my appearance could probably wrap around the earth and then some. Yet, I am envious of this confidence and comfort with self that both of them have in this picture. I hope that the joy and utter abandonment that he shows in this picture still feels now.