The Dream Vs The Office

Once, in what now seems like a million years ago, the idea of a home office seemed so grown-up and lovely. I would have my own little multimedia set up and just record lectures, talks, videos, and whatever else needed to be done in a state of bliss.

Not once in that ideal situation, did I factor in how little Miss Four-feet would feel a need to be a part of the office, both in her presence and her voice. Nor did I factor in how easily my microphone would pick up every little snort or growl she made.

I figured I would have all sorts of time to get the walls hung with beautiful pieces of art. Cute yet functional curtains would be hung, and the desk would be positioned for the perfect view.

The reality is that the curtains work; the view is another wall, which matches all the other bare walls. Not exactly how I dreamed it would be, but I know that when things settle down a bit, I will be able to shift more to the ideal of my office. For now, well, for now, this works sort of. Other than the loud snuffing noises that come from behind the door when I shut a particularly determined dog out. Yep, I’m living the dream!

A Poetic Soul

Beloved told me that once he watched all his dreams drift away on the wind as he said goodbye to someone. He said that he thought it was a way to sweep the thoughts tied to someone from your life easily.

He also said that time has a way of erasing the hardness and sharpness of words said in a moment. Instead, it softens things to be seen through a haze with a smile and a better vantage point.

He said that when he said goodbye as his dreams drifted away on the wind, he knew that a rainbow could appear in the future. The rainbow was the promise of a better time ahead.

He said to reach that point, though, a heart has to sink into the deep red of the sunset before wrapping up in the darkness of the night for a little while. I’m not sure if it is his culture, his background, or the poetic soul that allows him to explain things that way. Part of me is envious of this approach, this gentle way of finding a positive and lyrical style of seeing things.

To me, a heart gets shattered, dreams are destroyed, and a person must walk out to the point of finding herself again, at least a semblance of herself.

As I watch the wind whirl leaves and such around today, I can’t help but wonder who’s dreams are scattered among them.

Of Hopes And Wishes

Have you ever gotten your hopes up so high that it seemed impossible for them not to come to fruition? Have you ever had those sky-high hopes get dashed because either a person or thing did not turn out to be in sync with you?

It sucks, doesn’t it? You cannot fathom how things could have gotten so crossed up and left you in a world of despair and pain. Naturally, you want to blame the other person or the situation. This was beyond your control.

Let me introduce you to Claire, one of Beloved’s dear friends. She recently had a milestone birthday, the ones that are celebrated with large parties and fancy gifts. The months leading up to the special day had been marked with her providing gentle hints to her husband about the type of ring she wanted.

When the moment came, he pulled out a small box from the right shop and she just knew it would be the ring. Except it wasn’t, once she opened it up. Instead of this glittery ring full of gems and sparkle, he had gotten her two pairs of earrings.

Both pairs were stunning and under any other set of circumstances, I’m sure she would have been gushing over them. Instead, she was devastated and in tears, while her poor husband was befuddled.

You may think he was to blame for this, and perhaps he was. However, she was responsible for her reaction. She got so caught up in the hope that it was simply impossible that he would get her anything other than the ring.

Beloved listened to this tale of woe with compassion and tried to help her see how it had happened. She is, after all, responsible for her responses and behaviors. She could have looked at this differently and appreciated how stunning the earrings were, not to mention they were more practical, however, she was too caught up in the web of hope.

Steps And Cookies

Did you ever dance on your father’s feet when you were little? Did you ever place your small feet upon his, holding on tightly while he walked across the floor with you?

My daddy used to let me do that all the time when I was little. Think toddler age. It was loads of fun and I probably could have spent hours on his feet, but he worked and had other things to do too.

Did you ever help your mother make cookies? Maybe you stole a taste of the raw batter before the cookies went in the over? I used to sit on the counter next to her while she made cookies, I got to help by dumping something in the bowl.

When I got bigger, I was allowed to stir the dough, which managed to go everywhere!

My father would have been tired after spending all day at work, and yet he found time and space to play with me. My mother hated making cookies, and yet she made them with me. To this day I hang onto these memories and feel my parents near me even though they aren’t.

What about you? What do you do to feel loved ones no longer near you? What memories do you pull up and instantly you can feel the love and the warmth of that person?

Taking The Plunge

With trembling legs, I launched myself into the air, towards the water. I was scared, but my father was standing in the water, waiting to catch me, so I took a break and jumped. I recall this moment each time I try something new or daunting. It may seem silly, but it works as a reminder that fear or apprehension is natural. It also reminds me that these feelings should not stop me from trying something new or exciting. People talk about doing something that scares them. People also talk about doing something when they prepared. Faith, trust, and hope can take you far into new experiences. Fear, apprehension, or anxiety can hold you back from doing something amazing. Aren’t you worth having amazing things in your life? Of course, you are! Next time you have something new or daunting to do, consider how many new experiences you have had. Consider how some of them have been scary. And remind yourself how you overcame the fear. You opened yourself up to the new experience. If you’ve done this once, you can do it again. Sure, you may end up in the water now and then. Landings won’t always be perfect or smooth. Waiting for perfection means waiting rather than taking action. Action is better than waiting forever. So, why are you waiting?

Can You Right A Wrong

I’m not sure how this happened, but somewhere along the lines I ended up chasing all the “wrong” things and letting go of all the “right” things. It wasn’t intentional, and I can’t even pinpoint where it started. But as time goes by, a little a time I guess, the wrong things took a stronger position in my life.

I didn’t set out to become a horrible person. I don’t think anyone really does. But it also doesn’t change the fact that to some people, myself included, I am a horrible person.

You see over time I pursued projects, work, clients, and financial security at the risk of people. I put all of that before friends and loved ones. And not only one time. Time and time again it would happen even as a vowed to myself that this time I would not make the same mistake. And then a call or an email would come in and suddenly I would be chasing that.

It wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose, except sometimes in order to chase that, I would be having to cancel on friends, or miss a major outing. I figured everyone understood the importance of getting that security and such. I figured wrong.

I also figured that there would always be time to go back and be with people, to relieve those moments in some way. But life moves forwards, meaning what you have missed is missed for good.

I realize now that money will come and go, clients will be there or not, projects will require attention all the time or not at all. But time is a limited commodity. We only get so much. It is what we do with our time that matters the most. And it is a choice we make, on a regular basis even. as to what we will do or what we will miss out on.

How many times can you say you are sorry and have someone still want you in their lives? How can you right the wrongs you’ve done or is it just part of the life experience?

Space To Be With Lupus

My mother used to tell me that if you can’t anything nice about something or someone, you shouldn’t say anything at all. My father used to say that if you can’t behave properly in public, you shouldn’t be in public until you get a handle on your behavior.

My friends told me that there is no reason to be angry or to bounce off the walls. Beloved told me that it’s okay to be angry and to bounce off the walls when you have to deal with the ghosts of a dream from way back. He would also tell me that the pain sort of disappears and everything is kind of like a scene rather than the whole earth shattering life.

The thing is, I can’t always say nice things about lupus. Oh I’ve tried. And I’ve tried to found the positives that lupus has brought into my life, but sometimes I just can’t find the nice words. And I can’t behave properly because I’m tired of giving so much of myself or my dreams away.

Sometimes all I can do is look for the freedom and the space to be angry and loved. To bounce off the walls and to settle into a comfortable spot. And sometimes that seems impossible to find. Because friends don’t want to see you hurt or upset all the time. They want you happy and full of life.

No one wants to hear the tears of lost dreams, or the ghost of the girl I once was. Except Beloved. He listens. Sometimes he bounces off the walls with me. Sometimes he tilts at the windmills and other times he just finds a place to sink down into and hold me while I try to forget about that ghost of a girl.

Dreaming A Little Dream

I have a dream, it’s more wishful thinking and wild hope than a dream, but it is mine nonetheless.  No this isn’t a brilliant dream like freedom or equality or world peace.  Sure I have those dreams too, but they require so much help from dream I have requires one simple thing from one being.  You see I dream that one day, soon, the four-footed one will cease to track muddy paw prints all throuh the house.

Sure sure I know that the damp season is not always going to result in mud.  But right now, after removing muddy prints several times today, this is my dream.  Is it too much to ask for?  It would seem to.  I put it up there with world peace and such.

Yes I know, some of you will point out the real issue has nothing to do with mud.  Oh no, I understand completely what you are talking about friends.  Yes I know, her listening skills require work.  And I know she requires steady training, but for now can I please just dream of no more muddy paw prints in my house?

And yes I do understand that mud is something she finds simply irresistible.  And I am not wanting to deny her fun, honestly none of this is on my mind.  I just need a break from the muddy paw prints all over my floors.  For the record we do have cloths and such to wipe said muddy feet before mud is tracked all through the house.  However someone refuses to wipe her paws these days.  It’s a phase I’ve been told, but another someone needs to grow out of the phase of letting the four-footed one do whatever she wants.

Yes see I have a dream friends.  A dream that one day Beloved will stop giving into the four-footed one.  But that isn’t going to happen because she simply has to wag her tail, or give him puppy dog eyes and he basically is powerless to holding his firm stance with her.  And she knows this.  So instead I dream of no more muddy paws on my floors.

In The Way

I listened to a little boy explain to his dad how when the boy grew up he was going to be a vampire,but the good kind not the bad kind. I had no idea that there were types of vampires until today. And I forgot that when I was young, I could grow up to be anything I wanted too. Except I didn’t. Not really. I seem to fcall wanting to be able to fly. And never work. Instead I was going to have a place for all the animals to come and be my friend. Yes, all of the animals. Instead this weird thing happened. I grew up. Life happened, so did school and acareer and somewhere along the lines, Beloved happened. I have had animals in my life, to be sure I have. But not all of the animals. Nope, not all. And sure I love my job. Most of the time. But it’s not the same as a day stretching endlessly to be filled with whatever catches your fancy. It gets in the way sometimes. As for flying? Yes well only in airplanes, I’m afraid. So to that young man explaining how he was going to be a vampire when he grew up, I say go for it. But know life gets in the way.

The Flip Of The Dream

There is something to be said about creating one’s own hours and having the ability to do what one wishes from wherever one chooses to be.  A dream to be sure, and yet some folks have it and live it.  And I’m not going to lie, there are days when I wish more than anything that I had that all set up for myself.

I don’t.  At least not yet.  Perhaps not ever, but I may be trying it on account of life with lupus sort of makes adhering to schedules a bit more fun than I can handle at times. The ability to set my own hours and days would be a bit of heaven really rather than having to drag myself to work on the days when it all seems too much.

And working from home, bed, or the hospital if it comes to that, would make things so much more straight forward.  No need for awkward explanations or dancing around a subject.  Just me doing what I can when I can.  Not that this is normal or typical, but there are times when you need to do what you can.  And if you choose to work alone, the need to keep steady income as well other things such as insurance become rather important.

And that’s the catch with these things, there’s always, always, a flip side.