Now imagine the same situation, only you are marking online assignments when a cat jumps into your lap. Oh, and you don’t own the cat. Yeah that kind of surprise happens to me today. And while I cannot say it is horrible or displeasing, it was truly startling. To the point of making me spill my coffeeSpilled coffee is displeasing to me because it means coffee that I see wasted. What is horrible is when the spilled coffee ends up all over your light colored shirt and you have a presentation to deliver in a few hours. Thankfully, everyone at work understood what happened because every person has been surprised by the campus cat. And as we shared our stories of interaction, this surprise was actually not the worst that happened to someone. The dean not only had the cat jump in his lap, but also had the fortune of having the cat alter his pants. By catching a claw or two in the weave of the pants which created a hole in the pants. So when this type of surprise happens, embrace the warmth of the cat, the gentle purr it emits and try not think of the coffee stains.
Someone assured me that if I knew Beloved’s dark past, I would have never chosen to try and find the sun with him. Except Beloved doesn’t really have a dark past. Shadows for sure, but true darkness? No he lacks that. And I found the sun in him, in his radiance, and love.
Now to be sure, it is I who should have been the warning to him. For where he has shadows, I carry deep, dark ink spills. Those spills that threaten to black out the light and the fun. But also well earned from adventures of a past he can’t possible grasp. It isn’t for lack of trying on his part, but he simply has no reference. We grew up so completely differently.
Some times, when’s, when I’m with him, I wonder how it is that he is all the softness and light to my hard Darkness. How did he, who grew up in less than desirably conditions and less than what is considered poverty end up with the lightness and comfort? How is it that my soft landing place is this wonderful man who knows I don’t want someone to hold me, but to let me reach out to him when needed? How could someone be so wrong?
The four-footed one was happily minding her own business. Just sniffing here and there when a rather large, long haired cat decided to check out my companion. And by checking out the four-footed one, I mean the cat wanted to sniff her. And true to being a cat, the cat didn’t seem to care what the four-footed one thought of all of this.
So the four-footed one did what she does best, she turned, bared her teeth and tried to make herself the size of a large television if not larger. Of course it didn’t work, but the cat nonetheless lost interest and the four-footed one went back to being her usual small, cute self.
Safely left alone, my companion went back to sniffing here and there and I wondered if the cat would come back. Because if the cat came back I knew I would wind up with a headache from the barking and snarling which would come from my companion.
Luckily the smells were not tempting so we moved on before the cat came back. And I realized that at some point, somehow nature was showing a sense of Humor. Since when does a cat challenge a dog? I guess when the cat is the same size, or slightly larger than the dog. And the dog is busy sniffing every piece of ground.
I knew this day would come. Well okay, I didn’t know for sure it would come to this. I had an idea it might happen though. It was more likely given how I had made certain decisions in the past. And I suppose I have a few specialists who could easily say that they had told me so. But they wouldn’t. They aren’t those kind of people.
But here I am, paying for decisions made or not made now. And as I look at it, seeing it coming back to me, I can’t honestly say I would change anything. The price is the price and the choice was mine. The devastating part of this is that it isn’t just me having to live with these legacy type decisions. It impacts others. Some who weren’t a part of my life when I made choices. And now I ask them to take this ride with me, a ride they have no say in.
And that ride, well it funnily enough starts with a hospital bed, medical forms and more decisions to make or not make.
I didn’t plan on consuming a whole bunch of French fries today. However, I was out, and became hungry so I needed food. As I was checking out my options, I spot a fry place and well it seemed like a very good idea at the time.
To be honest it was a great idea those first few bites. Fresh, hot fries with the right amount of salt. I mean how can that not be right? But as I ate those delicious fries, I realized that yes they would fill me up and yes they made me happy, however it was a temporary thing. Temporary as in not long after I got hungry again.
And after having had delicious fries for a meal, the next meal wanted to be of similar type. Something greasy, unhealthy, salty and utterly delicious. Yes I know, having this would simply lead to more hungry which could only be filled with cake. How do I know? Because dear friends I gave in and had deliciously unhealthy meal. And hours after that I had cake. Because cake is always the answer. Especially after a meal of delicious yet unhealthy food!
Now and then you receive a little something strange in your email. Not a plea from a wealthy relative who requires a sum of cash to deal with a bank issue and in return this wealthy relative will pay you thousands upon thousands of dollars. Not exactly like that.
And not even the strange stuff like random people thinking you are sexy and want to hook up with them because they like you or whatever. And no not the emails that assure you that you now have coverage for insurance you never applied for.
No friends, I’m talking about the strange stuff like a picture of poop in a toilet. Just a rad on picture of someone’s poop in a toilet. No plea for money to help flush the offending turd, or purchase the toilet paper. Nothing like that. Just the picture. Which went in the treasure without me doing anything with it. Because what would you do? More to the point, why even send it?
Or am I the only person blessed with a I true of some strange person’s poop in a potty?
Apparently my specialist doesn’t agree with my assessment of my joint pain and how to fix it. Not even close. I merely suggested removing my hips, knees and ankles, but he felt that was beyond extreme. He suggested changing my medication for joint issues. Again.
So okay my suggestion may have been a bit drastic, but I did have a plan B. Basically a nerve block for all of my nerves, which was met with with his not impressed look. Of course he isn’t the one living day-to-day with this pain. He isn’t trying to find a way to have a normal life while coping with this pain. Heck he isn’t exposed to this pe of pain and he told me as much.
Is it too much to want a doctor who gets what it’s like to live with all the fun that comes with lupus? Maybe it is. At least it seems that way these days. Instead you get doctors who suggest trying this or doing that, all the while admitting they have no clue what life is like with my illness. Because clearly their medical degree trumps all.
Here’s the thing. I’m not necessarily asking for narcotics. I’m asking for understanding, compassion, dignity and maybe having someone who is willing to meet me half way. I don’t think that’s asking for too much. And yes, I’m willing to work with some. I doubt I’m the only person wth lupus, or other chronic illnesses, with this wish. But if I am, does it make it any less? Am I any less for this wish?
The four-footed one has changed her job description from being the on who provided entertainment to being the one who cuddles on legs. How she decided to change this, I’m not sure. And for the record she doesn’t really have a job description.
The past few days she has opted to randomly hop up on unsuspecting legs of innocent visitors. This has resulted in crumbs and coffee being spilled or shaken. Because when she does that she doesn’t provide any warning before she leaps, she simply leaps up and gets comfortable.
The unsuspecting person doesn’t have a say in this either. She picks the person and the lap and settles down until she is ready to leave or visit some other person. It used to be shed hop up on legs for a different vantage point ot the window. I mean who knows what all there is to bark at if you only look from one place all the time?
She seems happy with her new job description, but then who wouldn’t when they create it for themselves?