consideration

I knew this day would come. Well okay, I didn’t know for sure it would come to this. I had an idea it might happen though. It was more likely given how I had made certain decisions in the past. And I suppose I have a few specialists who could easily say that they had told me so. But they wouldn’t. They aren’t those kind of people.

But here I am, paying for decisions made or not made now. And as I look at it, seeing it coming back to me, I can’t honestly say I would change anything. The price is the price and the choice was mine. The devastating part of this is that it isn’t just me having to live with these legacy type decisions. It impacts others. Some who weren’t a part of my life when I made choices. And now I ask them to take this ride with me, a ride they have no say in.

And that ride, well it funnily enough starts with a hospital bed, medical forms and more decisions to make or not make.

Now and then I will have one of those days, the ones where it’s hard to get out of bed or dress myself. No I am not depressed, I have lupus. Yes I know depression is common with chronic illnesses such as lupus. But depression isn’t swollen joints that prevent one from getting out of bed easily or managing zippers and buttons.

Today was one of those days. I knew it when I tried to get out of bed and my knees felt like squishy swollen grapefruits filled with sharp objects. I knew it when I tried to grab onto something and my fingers protested loudly. Knuckles hot and burning while being stiff and uncooperative.

It was a day for no buttons or zippers. And they do now make some stylish clothing that does not require zippers and buttons. Only I don’t own any of that. And the clothes I needed to wear required zippers to be zipped, buttons to be buttoned and shoes to be tied.

No, I don’t particularly like to torture myself, at least not that way. Sometimes you are asked to visit a place that has a dress code or a special uniform and footwear to put on. Sadly these places do not have uniforms to accommodate fingers that don’t want to tie or button or pull a zipper.

So today I decided not to out myself the awkwardness of trying to make my fingers do what seemed like impossible tasks. Today, I out myself first and advised my client I would not be going on the required tour or seeing all the sites. My client was naturally upset that I was cancelling and it’s rare that I do this. But I today I did. And today I asked why certain pieces of safety gear aren’t designed to accommodate all people. Turns out my client never once considered it. Not that this means it can or will be acquired. It does mean that as long as the client insists I do this tour, the client will have to wait until my body cooperates. Or the client gets someone else to do the work.