Making It Harder

Do you have one of those people in your life who always seems to do things the hard way? It isn’t necessarily that they enjoy making things tougher on themselves, however, their decisions result in doing that very thing.

I knew a woman who was exceedingly talented and could have managed work in several different fields. Her issue was her ex-husband who was less than pleased that she had left him. He would try to sabotage her at her various places of employment and for whatever reason, she decided that this was why she should be only able to work low paying jobs.

I was curious why he always managed to find where she was working and create such issues for her. She updated her Facebook page, and while she may not have him as a friend, they had mutual friends on social media. Those mutual friends, no understanding the issues, would share information with him as to where she was working or living.

When I asked her why she didn’t keep things private, or not post things on her social media, she said that she wanted other people to know where she was and what she was doing.

She’s a nice lady and very talented, but she is also stubborn and refused to follow advice such as keeping things private. I’ve heard that she has recently had to switch jobs again because her ex-husband found her last place of work. I worry that this will be her future state of life since she won’t change how she does things. But I also wonder if she realizes how frustrating her behavior is.

A Delightful Surprise 

Have you ever spent time planning what you were going to have when you knew you’d be going to a restaurant?  We had made plans to go to a lace a week ago.  I checked the menus and pictures of the food.  I read reviews and took my time really reading the menu.  I had ideas of what I would eat.  

And when we got to the restaurant, I was feeling confident.  I knew what I was having.  Except the menu they gave us was not at all like the one online.  All my planning was for not.  So I was still left with that feeling of not being sure exactly eat I would have.  No pictures, no reviews.  Just go wth your gut and hope it’s all good.

The food was wonderful and to be honest I’m glad the menu was different.  I know that sounds silly , but by the time I was going to order based on what I made up my mind to have before, I was kind of blasé about it.  This was such a delightful surprise.

Not that I’m always thrilled with these types of surprises.  I mean there are times that I’ve really wanted something and planned for it only to be told it wasn’t available.  It’s a bit crushing to be honest.  I know, we are talking about food, but sometimes you can taste it long before you get it.  And when it’s suddenly not there when you really want, it’s rather hard to accept.

Why Leaping Should Be Easy

The four-footed one is torn between who she needs to take care of more.  Beloved is hobbling along on his badly sprained ankle and I’m in the midst of an uptick in lupus activity.  And the four-footed one just wants to settle down on someone’s lap.  From what I gather, she is looking for the most deserving person.  So she’s trying to sort out who that person is, while we both work at our desks.

Ideally we could move our desks together so that way the four-footed one could settle between the two of us.  However that is simply not feasible.  So the four-footed one needs to make a choice.  Except she can’t.  So  she jumps back and forth between the two of us, settling down just a bit before bolting to the other person.

And she reminds me of myself in this regard sometimes.  Normally I make quick decisions and move on, but there are times when I’m torn.  And then I jump from one position to the next, somehow hopin that magically things will be sorted out while I’m in the middle of the jump.  Maybe I notice it more today because I am on the edge of a cliff and I really should take the leap, but for some reason I can’t.

I’m not resistant to change, but now, as I stand on the cusp of making a wholesale change in my life, I am bouncing back and forth between just leaping or trying to find a way to put a slow zipping across the divide.  It should be so simple, to leap and get on with what I love,  but it isn’t.  I’ve waited for signs and encouragement, but I’m a cynic by nature so anything that comes across would as a sign or piece of encouragement can be brushed aside.  

What’s the worst that could happen with a leaping?  A fall?  If so, well no big deal.  I can pick myself up and climb back up, surely.

Blended Not Stirred

It was a milkshake kind of day for Beloved. Not that he has them all the time or even every month.  Just now and then he will look over at the blender and decide he should use it for a milkshake.  And so he will set about decided what flavor milkshake he wants.

Once he has figured this little issue, he next has to go and buy ice cream as we don’t have any in the house.  Sometimes he has to buy other ingredients as well, like fruit or milk.  And then he has to do whatever preperarion he needs to do before he can make his milkshake.

Finally he will blend items in the blender to just the right consistency before dumping it into a huge glass already outfitted with a straw.  Finally he take his glass containing his fresh milkshake and find a comfortable spot with his book or tablet and enjoy the moment. Or moments as the case may be as it may take him a while to consume his milkshake depending upon how large he made it and how thick it is.

What he won’t do before consuming his drink is clean up the mess.  He will unplug the blender, but that’s about it. Sometimes a little elf will come along and magically clean the mess.  And sometimes the elf stays away leaving the mess for him to deal with.  Which he will do, once his milkshake is finished. And then he will vow to not have another because it’s simply not worth the mess involved in making it.  I will say nothing because it’s not my place. Idon’t drink milkshakes and I don’t consume ice cream.  So I say nothing and smile because I know there will be a next time.

Oh The Choices

The four-footed one likes to flop down in pools of sunshine when they appear on the floor.  She simply settles down and rests, even if she just work up not that long ago.  Thr four-footed one also likes to hear the sound of a knife on a cutting board as she believes she will get food.  The four-footed one also likes the sounds of food being unwrapped, in hope that some food could come her way.

Why am I telling you this?  Because today the trifecta of sun, sounds and more sounds all came together in one moment.  She found sound and settled down about the same time as a bit of food was being unwrapped and then cut on the cutting board.  She was torn between leaving the valuable patch of sun to see if she could get some food or staying in the sun and potentially missing out on a sample of something delicious.  She would open her eyes wide, lift her head and get ready to go to the kitchen only to be lulled by a moment of silence and the warmth of the sun.

No we weren’t teasing her, it was all simply a case of perfect timing or such.  And in the end the sun won out.  After all even though she tends to live in the moment, she recognized that the sun would be more fleeting and we were more likely to offer her food later on.  She wasn’t wrong on either case.

There may be something calculated in her behavior I think.  Beloved says not calculating at all, she’s just learned the routine well enough to know which is more likely to wait around.  

Another Ride

I knew this day would come. Well okay, I didn’t know for sure it would come to this. I had an idea it might happen though. It was more likely given how I had made certain decisions in the past. And I suppose I have a few specialists who could easily say that they had told me so. But they wouldn’t. They aren’t those kind of people.

But here I am, paying for decisions made or not made now. And as I look at it, seeing it coming back to me, I can’t honestly say I would change anything. The price is the price and the choice was mine. The devastating part of this is that it isn’t just me having to live with these legacy type decisions. It impacts others. Some who weren’t a part of my life when I made choices. And now I ask them to take this ride with me, a ride they have no say in.

And that ride, well it funnily enough starts with a hospital bed, medical forms and more decisions to make or not make.

Mulligan Stew or Let’s Come Back To That Again

Do  you ever want a do over or mulligan for those of you who are golf oriented?  In the course of my life I’ve had several times where I wanted that one back, or this one to do over.  It happens due to the rush of time, not paying attention and a whole other bag of reasons.  But I think now if someone were to ask me if I wanted to have one to do over it wouldn’t so much be my life, but my reaction to my health.

I know you can’t wave a magic wand and make lupus disappear.  There is no magic pill, diet or place to go that will cure from this illness.  There is just a whole bunch of things to try.  Some of it works for some people and fails for others.  Something might work for a little while and then suddenly lose the effectiveness that made it so wonderful.  You just have to roll with the punches as best you can.  It’s frankly a bit a dance contest where the music keeps changing and thus influencing what you dance and how you do it.

It’s tiring and never-ending.  So if I could have something to do over it would be how I’ve reacted to my health in the past.  I might change some of the decisions I made when I was younger and thought I could just show lupus I was stronger than it.  I might have sat a few of the dances out rather than trying to prove to everyone that I was perfectly fine and completely healthy.  I may have not been as cavalier as I as with some of the choices I made when it came to treatment or travel (I’ve been known to skip treatment if a trip was planned prior to the treatment being offer).

Of course if I was granted a chance to do over there would be a ripple effect.  That is to say that the one I changed at a specific moment in my life would spill over and impact other aspects which could result with me not being where I am now.  And although I complain about some of the aspects of my current life, there’s more that I truly appreciate and am grateful for. So let’s just skip the mulligan for now and perhaps not count the strokes as closely. We can come back to that later on.