Too Much Everything

I have this problem, a small thing really, but life altering all the same.  You see I want to be there for the people in my life, even if that means I get pulled into a million different directions.  Even if it means being pulled between two countries.

Normally  when I feel stretched beyond belief, when I feel too many demands are being placed on me all at once, I snap.  I say no, I get short .  I run away to my own space.  But sometimes you can’t do that because you are too worn out and tired to even think of doing any of it.  So you just stay there, like roadkill and hope that somehow you catch a wave of passing energy, even if it’s just enough to say no once.

friends I’m tired of feeling like roadkill.  Sure I know I’m mostly to blame for it myself.  I know I try to be everything to everyone.  I dont want to let anyone down or disappoint someone.  So I do it all, I burn the candle at both ends, because that’s what it takes.  And I try to snap up and steal energy as I go.  Of course the reality is that I run at a deficit most of the time.

Do I have to do  this?  No, except I feel like I need to be there or helping out.  I feel compelled to do too much and not because people are asking me to.  And when people do ask, they always ask if it’s okay or assure men to okay if I need to back out.

Some of my logic, if you will, is that there are so many times that lupus robs me of this that when I can do I it all.  Is this wise?  No.  Is this what most people do?  Heavens I hope not because roadkill is no fun.  But it’s where I go to because when I feel good, I forget there is a crash he just around the corner.


One Wave Ahead or Drifting Away

Lately it seems even when in I do my harbor  for the coming tempest, I still drift away.  It isn’t a case of lack battening down hatches, securing the ropes and ensuring the anchor is in the water.

It is as if the rip tide and tugging winds are greater than my measures of securement.   I find myself drifting further out than expected, the anchor line drawn tight to the point of almost snapping.

I always find this to be the case when I’ve basically settled somewhere, the water and the wind call to me, as though I may have settled a bit too soon.  It seems that there is more of the world that demands I see it, demands I not get too comfortable.

Thankfully Beloved doesn’t mind this habit off mine.  He offers shelter from the coming storm, helps untangle lines and cut me free.  He simply waits for me to come backs om is harbor, he lets me drift when I need to, sometimes we drift together and other times alone.  He pulls me into shelter when I ignored the storm and he sees how I get tangled up in myself long before I do.  When this happens, he untangles me or cuts me free.  It is as if he is always one wave ahead of me.