Just To See

It was suggested that I visualize a favorite physical place. Perhaps a place with a tree which had an interesting feature or maybe in stead a depression, cave or even body of water.  
The expert said that this would allow me go easily transition. To either the upper or lower world. After all I have travelled a far amount of the middle world so I should be able to find a place that would let me travel to the other worlds.  

The man went on to explain that the lower world is not the same as the Christian idea of hell and there are many helpers found in the lower world as well as the upper world. The idea is to go where the helpers are as they will provide what is required, especially if the person doesn’t even know something is required. The idea is that the unversed knows what needs to be held or let go at any given time and the human requires these helpers to find balance.
Since I was game to see how this would play out, I went ahead and gave it a go. I visualized a favorite place of mine, on near the water, with a fantastic arch way leading down to the water. I got to where I could almost feel the sun in my face, the breeze in my hair and smell the salt on the wind. Almost. Because I couldn’t get comfortable enough to ignore my body entirely.
After trying this and not getting beyond in over a period of time, the expert suggested that we stop for the day. We could try again in a few days when my mind and body settled into this idea if journeying.  
While not very good at any of this, I must confess there is something relaxing in the orate of taking yourself elsewhere. Once you get past how it doesn’t come easy that is.


For The Birds

The four-footed one decided she could fly today. I’m not sure what possessed her to think she could fly, but she gave it the old college try. Of course she couldn’t sustain her air time, but hey it’s the thought that counts right?

Don’t worry, she is fine. When she jumped off the chair she didn’t have far to land. You could see her trying to figure out a way to maintain her air time, she tried doing the doggie paddle of sorts in the air and then it dawned on her, she was going down, not up nor staying at the same level she started with. So she just hung on for the fall.

She got up and walked away as nonchalantly as she could. She had witnesses, so it was hard for her to walk away with her dignity fully intact. But she tried. And no she wasn’t injured at all, other than her pride I suspect.

It does make me wonder what goes on in her head. What is she thinking when she gives me that look, or when she cocks her head off to one side? Is she planning how to get more food or perhaps how to take over the house (technically she did that the day she came home)? Perhaps she is plotting on how to get dogs to rule the world. And then again, maybe she just wanted to give something new a try.

The Usual Problem

A fiend invited me out for coffee to a place she had “just” found.  Not a chain coffee place either, just an honest to goodness local cafe which happened to serve French style pastries as well.  Who can resist?  Certainly not I, and since I was feeling decent-ish there really was no reason not to go.

As we don’t live in the same neighbourhood, my friend and I agreed to meet at the cafe’s parking area so we could do some catching up while walking in.  (You might say we have a lot to catch up on!)

An interesting thing happened upon our stepping through the door.  The two women working behind the counter called out my friend’s name and said “the usual?” as a cup was already being pulled off the shelf.  Interesting in that my friend had just found the place so how could she have a usual?  I didn’t say anything, but I raised my eyebrow as my friend said she might in fact be changing up her order.  This declaration created a bit of confusion for one of the ladies working behind the counter because she had already grabbed a pastry and put it on a plate.

There is nothing wrong with having a usual.  It’s nice to go into places where people know exactly how you like things and see you as more than just an order of coffee.  The problem arises when you suddenly want to change up the usual.  It alters the easy routine, and can affect the relationship as well.

I’m not sure how many times my friend had been to the cafe to have a usual, but the minute she altered her order it was as if she was a new customer to one of the employees.  The light and causal conversation became a little awkward, as if by changing her order my friend had created some type of insult.  In the end my friend had her usual to go because she couldn’t resist the pastry or the coffee.

Being a city girl, I have found very few places that I go to frequently enough to even know e names of the employees let alone have a usual.  While I relish the relationship my friend seems to have with the employees, I don’t relish the idea of only being a specific order all the time.  After all part of the fun is changing things up, which is hard when you have a set usual everyone knows and expects.

Favorites, Food and Friends

My favourite ethnic restaurant in town closed its doors.  I’m not sure if this is a permanent thing or the owners are in a vacation back home.  I haven’t been to the restaurant in a few weeks.  A friend sent me a text after deciding to follow my recommendation to try the place, and then discovered it was closed.  As in lights off, doors locked, chairs on the tables.  As in closed and not open for food any time in the next few hours.

Closed as in suddenly I want their delicious rice pilaf.  I need to have the delicious dips, fresh pitas and stuffed vine/grape leaves.  My taste-buds demand the spiced meat which has been cooked to perfection served with a zingy garlic sauce.  My mouth waters at the thought of refreshing salads, cool cucumber dips and herbs too many to mention.  My mouth literally began altering at the thoughts of this.

Beloved mourned the loss of flaky pattern with sweet honey,  it’s and spices.  He yearned for the declines version of fruit salad which is served with a bit of slushy fruit juice and roasted nuts.  Sometimes he also has the special creamy topping with the fruit.

It’s funny how the minute you know you can’t have something, you suddenly desire it with a burning passion that can be consuming.  Well okay, to be honest, it’s not funny when you are faced with the hunger and no way to end it with exactly what you want.  Now you can either yearn for what you can’t have, which sometimes is the best option.  Or you can try to recreate it yourself, this can be a good thing or a disaster.

Beloved and my friends decided to try and recreate some of my favourite foods.  Mostly because I’ve been struggling with pain and energy levels.  And because I decided to not pretend to be better than I really feel anymore.  Because I can’t.  It’s too much.  Just like finding out my favourite foods aren’t just around the corner and up the hill from us.

And these lovely people made their version of my favourite dips, bought pitas, tried to recreate the fruit salad and son on.  Did it taste the same?  No of course not.  But it did taste full of love and that makes it taste special in its own way!  And to be honest, it may have a different flavor, but it’s still great!


Big Purple Wall Called Lupus

I hit a wall today.  A large, brick, solid wall.  A wall I could see well before I hit it.  You’d think I would have stopped, or slowed down and turned or something, but nope.  I hit the wall, going full speed.

Friends, I didn’t even blink when I hit this wall.  Granted there was no need to blink,after all I did see it coming long before I got there.  Thankfully the only damage was a forced nap, at least that’s the only damage I’ve been able to determine so far.

Clearly this hitting of the wall is my own fault,many equally clear is the fact I keep hitting the wall.  Repeat performance folks, repeat performance.  Yep a slow learner, stubborn or something else.  No matter how you describe it, it comes down to being foolish.

I guess I had assumed that if I burnt my candle at both ends and in the middle (metaphorically because who does that to candles in real life?) I’d be able to be a super lupus warrior and somehow make the lupus rules not apply.  And that wall, that big purple wall called lupus said no way, that’s not how we play.

Id never assume nor ask another lupus patient to keep hitting the wall, so why do I think  that doing this makes me a super heroe?  Especially since every day we live with lupus is a heroic thing.

Some days, getting out of bed should be awarded with a cape and some awesome symbol. Some days getting out of bed s easy.  Some days finding positive is worthy a super peer and other days it’s easier to do.

The obstacles and opportunities that come with lupus may not afford you an awesome cape, or an amazing symbol, but it does give you a super power…the power to keep trying, the power of determination.  There really is no need to hit a wall, and certainly not repeatedly.  So don’t be like me and think that’s how you find your super power!  Now about that nap…

Moments, Hope and a Step

In the perfect world there would be no pain, sorrow, suffering or death.  At least that’s according to some people.  Others argue that in order truly appreciate what we have we just know moments of pain, moments of sorrow, moments of suffering and sadly moments where death touches our lives.

For this new year I hope that we have only fleeting moments of pain that are eased and healed with love and humanity,  I hope we have sorrow that is tempered with good memories and warm hearts, and healing hugs.  For moments of suffering I hope we are surrounded with help, acceptance, love, and the healing balm of human touch.  For those moments when death comes to our doors, may we be offered shoulders to cry on, welcome arms to hold us, shared memories of our loved ones and the ability to open ourselves up to love again.

In other words, may we find our way towards acceptance, love, peace and humanity in such a way that we can offer the same to others.

None of these are easy to do, and in order to reach these goals I know I must change.  I must be more open and accepting of self as well as others.  I must use my authentic voice and feelings, which means being vulnerable.  For somewhere in that vulnerability is the key to love and humanity.  And to be able to lift up, support and encourage others who are near and dear to me as well as new people.

I do not anticipate this part of my journey to be without stumbles, maybe even a few false starts or getting a bit off track, but every journey must begin with a step.  A step in the right direction with the best of intentions and the desire to try and try again.

I am inviting you to join me on is journey, to help me, share with me and maybe teach me along the way.  I hope you have some comfortable shoes, a sense of adventure and an  open heart/mind to come along with me because company is always fun and greatly appreciated.

Care and Feeding Of Imagination

There is something magical about that happens to a sandwich, the everyday ordinary kind, when you slice it into triangles and serve it on an ordinary sheet spread out on the floor.  Don’t believe me?  Try it sometime, especially if you have young children.  It becomes a picnic inside!  And the kids don’t need to know the sheet is there to protect your floor!

There is something magical about taking that same sheet and draping it over some chairs to form a tent.  Again, don’t  believe me, try it.

the magic isn’t in the sheet, it’s in the power of the imagination.  Somewhere along the line, as the power of our imagination seems to be weaker, as though it isn’t being nourished properly.  The best way to nourish it is to get lost and allow it to run wild on its own.  Borrow a friend’s child if you must, but feed your imagination.  Why?  The world is a better place with a dash of magic and a pinch of belief in it all!