Creations Of Brokeness

It’s a strange thing, to know where your lover is in a crowded room without hearing his voice or catching sight of him. I just know when he comes in. I know when he’s moved off to the right or the left. It is as if in some ways we have become one, or he has become my own creation.

I know when Beloved is talking about that scar, the one that runs just down there and makes him look a bit more pensive than he should. I can tell without hearing him, without watching his hands. I already know when he is talking about this because I know him so well. I know him, perhaps better, than I know myself.

Beloved knows when I walk into a crowded room without having to look for the top of my head (it’s the curse of a vertically challenged person). He does not have to hear my voice to know if I am heading his way or away from him. We have, in some ways, become one. Attuned to each other as many couples seem to become.

I didn’t set out to have this in my life. I never asked for such a person who would the other part of me, the part that is more calm and level-headed. I did not want to have someone complete me in a way that he could press the broken parts of my heart back together. I don’t suspect he set out to find someone who has become known as a “fire cracker” among his friends. I doubt he said his life was missing someone who was “feisty” and not likely to back down from any challenge. And yet here we are.

In some ways we hold each other’s brokenness together while at the same time trying to fill in the gaps and missing pieces the way you might glue a broken piece of pottery back together. It’s never perfect, it’s always going to show the scars (yes even those inflicted by the one who has opted to put things back together), but it somehow works. And it some how works that we know where each other happens to be when we are together. And when we are apart, it’s as if there is room to breathe, for those broken pieces to relax a little bit and the cracks to start to feel a bit looser again.

He does not make the brokenness go away, after all surely that is part of the human condition. Rather he helps to shift the brokenness into a more manageable place, to where I am not just broken, but I can be whole if somewhat shattered. And this somehow makes me a better person, or so I tell myself as I revel in the idea that I too am a bit of his own creation, after all he has shifted and rearranged the pieces he can, dropping those that he can’t. Surely we are somewhat each other’s creation or modification without meaning to do either of those very things to one another.


Unseen Forces In Bed

A strange has been happening each night for the past few weeks.  My bed has been taken over by an unseen force.  No I’m not talking about Beloved’s “bubble zone” that allows him more personal space.

Pit appears that a rather large yet unseen entity takes over the bed around midnight.  It starts by making its presence known in the middle of the bed and it slowly pushes us both out to our respective sides of the bed.  When we go to look, the only thing in the Center of the bed is the four-footed one.  And it can’t be her because she’s curled up in a small little bundle, eyes closed and settled in for her sleep.

Once we shut off the lights again and just start drifting off to sleep this entity is back pushing and clawing at each of us as it demands more space.  Frankly we have been stumped as to what was going on so Beloved set up a camera to record what was happening.  Unfortunately the footage wasn’t ideal for us to see the middle of the bed.

Plan B was for one of us to stay awake and watch from elsewhere in the room.  The one of us who stayed awake was me, in a chair at the window.  I couldn’t sleep anyway with the pain I was experiencing, but it wasn’t enough to take my medications.  I tell you this because I want you to know that I was not under the influence of anything.

You see dear friends the strange thing happening on our bed each night turns out to be a small little dog.  Yes it is in fact our four-footed one.  You’d almost think that at night she magical turns into the size and weight of a small pony while during the day she is a small-sized dog.  When we move or sit up she curls up in the center and pretends to be sleeping.  This dog is able to command most of the space on a king sized bed each night as a way of ensuring she has a good nights rest while we struggle to stay in our own bed!

Animal Side

Someone once told me that my totem animal would dictate certain things in my life such as foods I liked and typeof spaces that would make me feel most comfortable.  Now given these guidelines my tastes run towards cheese, nuts, pasta, cake and citrus.  Near as I can tell we are aiming for a rat, a big old city alley rat when it comes to food.

As far as space goes, well I like wide open spaces, wonderful views of water, hills, mountains and History!  I must have my own space and would prefer to have some serious separation between myself and others.  Potentially still looking at a big city alley rat.

Of course I learned my totem animal is a beaver,  basically a water-loving rodent that has huge teeth and a rather large tail.  I don’t enjoy the taste of wood and am not one of those water-babies that seem to be normal occurrences in nature.  I’d prefer to. To have large teeth or a flat tail because I’m not sure what to do with a tail.  I do rather like the way a beaver doesn’t care about anyone else when it goes about building its dam.  That’s a bit of a bonus!

Beloved discovered his totem animal is hawk.  And I’m a bit jealous of that.  I mean a hawk is cool, a beaver?  Not so much.  Not that I’ve known Beloved to eat rodents or small birds and he has a limit when it comes to heights.  It does make me wonder how someone ends up with the totem animal that they do.

I’ve told Beloved we will need to stock up on seeds and nuts and cheese and of course pizza to feed my totem animal.  He is welcome to head out and hunt for whatever it is that he desires to eat! 😉  (I refuse to eat wood and have decided that my totem animal is a city alley rat that happens to be the size of a beaver!)


A Whole Lot Of Crazy Or What Was I Thinking

Now and then I get a lot crazy.  Normally I’m only mildly so, but every now and then I push the envelope of craziness in my life.  I’m not talking crazy like running naked in the streets, unless that’s your normal.  If that is your normal, then obviously that wouldn’t be crazy for you.  For me, on the other hand, it would be crazy to the ultimate.  Because naked in the streets means getting cold and cold is not a good thing in my world.

It was a trip to the market that started this whole lot of craziness in my life.  Well okay so it was really my inability to make up my mind, but I’m still blaming the market.  There were too many tempting items to create meals with and so I bought far more than I had intended to buy with four or five recipes running through my head.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, I guess, except it was fresh produce.  Fresh produce that insisted I use it.  And is, my friends, is how the whole lot of craziness worked into my life and made me lose a whole day.  Because of course who wouldn’t make five whole meals all in one day?  Meals that feed more than two people.  Yep I know, impossible to resist right?

So after spending the rest of the day chopping, and slicing, coozing and cleaning I spent the night relaxing.  And by relaxing I’m of course referring to that fun game of Tetris you play in your refrigerator and freezer when there simply isn’t as much room as you thought.  In other news, I have several different meals from different cultures so I can build back up all that energy from the cooking and the Tetris playing.

If you happen to have been at Tetris, we made need to talk because my skills are a bit rusty! 😉

Sleeping Spaces or Bedtime Wars

So the dogs have taken over the king sized bed.  Not taken over a part of the bed mind you, the whole bed.  As in no space for the human who bought the bed for her own use.  As in the human who was willing to share a portion of the bed.  Freely share.  Apparently in dog logic share means all mine!

Sure it was the human who first out the dogs on the bed, while the human read before going to sleep.  The rule this human had in place was that when it was time to turn off the lights the dogs were placed lovingly into their own beds.  Beds that were bought for them and had added comforts such as blankets and pillows and small snugly animals to keep them comfortable.

So what happened? Well one of the humans who sleeps in “the big bed” was too sick and hurt to really get the dogs on or off the bed.  The other human is a bit of a “rules don’t always have to be followed” kind of person.  Certainly not when he isn’t in the mood or is very sleepy.  And thus the two dogs spent the night on the bed.  Plotting to take over the whole bed no doubt while the two humans innocently slept.

Same type of situation occurs a few more times and suddenly they think they own the whole bed.  Begrudgingly these two share to spaces of the bed with me.  The other human?  Not so much, it’s simply too much space they have to give up.  Frankly I’m okay with Beloved not getting the space because to be honest he does take up too much space, steals the covers too.  😯

So I need to find something else for the dogs to take over.  And I really need to learn how on earth they suddenly managed to grow large enough to take over the bed.  This may be a trick I need at some point!

Things, Theory and Me

A coworker was explaining an observation he has been repeatedly making…the more people have in their lives the more they seem to need more things.  He has come to the conclusion that as we acquire things, we become addicted to acquiring more things.  It’s more than just keeping up with the Joneses too.

Now that my life is somewhat reduced to the space of the house, I’ve been able to observe my coworker’s theory within my own life.  Over the course of my life, as well as my partner’s, I have acquired a great deal of things.  Some are things that were needed and others were things that were wanted.  Some are things that I still use and others are things that serve to remind me of people, places and such.

It may just be that my coworker’s theory is spot on.  From the first book I bought it was a slippery slope down to more.  More books.  And more books means needing a place to properly store the books.  This means bookshelves.  Sensing a trend?

You’ve probably guessed what happens next.  Just in case you want verification of you guess I will explain.  I acquired bookshelves that happened to be a little more than I needed.  Which was fine because I was going down the slope of acquiring more books.  And then because as you go down a slope you tend to gain speed from momentum or gravity or whatever, you end up having more books than book shelving and you need to get more shelves.  A vicious cycle of sorts that happens to be a sort of pain that’s good.

I suppose that there was some point where it occurred to me that there was a variety of things out there to go with the books and the shelving.  I have no other way of explaining the things I’ve acquired.  Of course some of the things in this room with me belong to Beloved and I guess in a way he too was an acquisition!

What are your thoughts on having things leads to acquiring more things?  Have I let someone’s theory color how I look at things?  Is this lupus flare messing with me and my thoughts?

Mindfully Frustrated

In an effort to ensure Ive done all I can for this journey into mindfulness, I set up an area for my peaceful times.  Not really knowing how to do this, as in having never done it before, I did the logical thing and started doing research.  Apparently color plays a key role as does lighting.

since the area I chose is already in a soft, neutral color and the light comes in mostly from the sun as well as a bit of lamp light, I figured I had covered those two key areas.  I borrowed some comfortable cushions from another room and set up the oil diffuser.  Let the peace and stilling of minds begin!

I settled down comfortable, ready to get on with calmness and peace.  But I remembered that I forgot to put a few items away in the cupboard.  I knew they’d bother me and get in the way of happy, calm thoughts.  So naturally I popped up and dealt with them.

When I returned I settled down again, took a deep breath and tried to let my thoughts go.  But my thoughts were like boomerangs and they kept coming back no matter how far I pushed them away.

On top of these returning thoughts was the realization that the cushions weren’t that comfortable.  And I wasn’t sure about the choice of oil in my diffuser.  Maybe if I changed them, then the magic would happen.  So of course I changed them and gave it another go.

All the while my level of peace and comfort was slipping more and more towards frustration.  Frustration at not being able to find the right set up, the right scent and most importantly not being able to still my mind.  Oh and let’s not forget that although I set a timer for my peaceful time I was fully aware of how much time had already slipped by.

With each tick of the clock I was less calm and more wound up.  When the alarm went I was relieved to get out of the area, feeling a bit less frustrated once I left the area.  When I mentioned this to a friend who just happens to have meditation come naturally to her, she told me I had been trying too hard and so of course it wouldn’t bring about peace and calm.

She invited me to try again another day, but this time at her place.  Sure, that will go well.  I mean I will only be focused and worried about how my meditation appears to her.  Totally calm and soothing to be sure!

The thing is, when I about and doing my daily stuff, I have moments of peace and calm, but when I crave out time for this…I am a hopeless failure, which doesn’t help me find peace at all.