Season For The Birds

Summer means enjoying the sunshine, taking advantage of good weather, sunshine and such.  Autumn means crunching in the leaves while a crisp breeze comes up to make your cheeks pink.  Spring means mud, buds and damp weather.  Notice I skipped past winter?

I like to skip past winter.  I’m just not a winter sort of person.  Sure the first little bit of snow can look nice, but after that?  It’s just cold, doom and gloom and not much else. I know some people find ice skating or snowshoeing as fun activities.  Then there is the thrill of downhill skiing and snow boarding.  And I guess there may be fun in building snow people, forts and such.  But I struggle to get behind these things.  Because cold and I are not friends.

Each Year I work on getting okay with the cold, the freezing, the snow and the sleet.  I try to find the beauty, the fun and the adventure in this season.  And a few weeks into the cold, the snow and the winds I fail.  I fail miserably.  Because I am reminded how far away spring and summer are.  How far in the back Autumn is.  I am reminded that I must work through the long dark night that is winter.

So until I have to face the cold, or the snow or the winds, I am going to enjoy the good weather while I can.  And maybe this year I will follow the birds away from winter, y must know something I don’t know.

Advertisements

Avoiding The Unavoidable

I’ve been putting off tomorrow’s appointment for as long as I can.  Now I have nothing against this doctor, honestly he is a sweet and helpful man, but I just have been avoiding seeing him.  Because we both know where this appointment is going.

I would have continued to postpone this appointment, but while trying to get a prescription refilled I was told I had to actually see the doctor this time.  Gulp!  Oh sure he will be his usual pleasant, polite self as he tells me we are out of options.  No more putting this off.  And I will sit there in that small black chair and grasp at some other straw.  Anything other than a hospitalization.  Again.

Last time we danced around this very topic I was literally saved by the bell.  The fire alarm to be exact.  Going off down the hall so we got evacuated and by the time I got back, I had figured out my strategy was to take another six months just to really test how the current medication was or wasn’t working.  I think because he was somewhat distracted by things, he agreed to my request.

Short of getting another fire alarm this time, I somehow doubt I can ask for another six months of poor results and further health complications.  And it isn’t that I want to get worse, I just.  Look it’s a hospital.  Not my own home.  It’s not my bed, not my things and not my routine.  It means needing help…more than I care to have.  It means being vulnerable..more than I care to be.  And none of these things comes with the promise of getting better.  If I’m lucky they come with the promise of being stable.  Which frankly would be nice, I suppose, but it’s been so long since I’ve been stable I am kind of comfortable in my instability.

Of course Beloved has decided that my instability with how lupus affects my organs may migrate to making me irrational.  Why else, he wonders, do I put off what can help slow down if not prevent damage now.

Of course it isn’t him going into the hospital.  The freezing cold rooms.  The noise and smells.  The routine not like mine, the insistence that I rest when I have much still to do.  The food isn’t the same, the dogs won’t be there.  Oh I can draw a huge list, but before I get too far down the road, I will spend some time seeking straws to grasp for tomorrow’s appointment.

Here We Go…Again

I may have been cursed at birth, or perhaps I was born at the wrong time.  I have never been able to sit still, settle into one place and let my roots take hold.  I suffer from wanderlust, have the soul of a sailor who is always looking back out to the sea and suffer from itchy feet.

This occurred to me as Beloved settled into a comfortable chair and indicated he could get used to “here”.  I couldn’t see “here” or even “there” as being a place I could get used to.  There are always so many things to see, explore and learn and staying in one place just seems wrong.

Poor Beloved, the man mentioned a desire to go to Denmark for a day or two.  And off I went, a huge list of other places to go and see.  A need for more than a short flight, short drive or a tiny trip.

I can’t explain it, but the idea of calling one place home just gives me the creeps.  I can’t fathom being tied down completely to one place that offers no means away from the place.  Trapped I guess is the correct word.  Being trapped frightens me.  No exit strategy scares me.

While Beloved is finding the right location for the comfortable chair, my heart is yearning to pick up, pack up and head out to somewhere beyond.  Somewhere other, different and somewhat new.

Denmark is not a place that I see myself exploring for a few years.  I adore Denmark, but only for visits.  I feel the same about Finland, Sweden and Iceland.  These are places Beloved could see himself settling his comfortable chair into without any issue.

I wonder if comfortable chairs come with wheels and various or tracks etc. for mobility, just because you never know where my wanderlust will take me next!  Maybe swim fins need to be added too, just in case!

If Beloved no longer wishes to be a travel companion, maybe I can grab a roaming gnome or two!

Anchors in My Life and What Happens When They Break Loose

It’s a strange thing, an awful and strange thing, to lose a close friend or a best friend.  You feel unmoored, adrift and at the mercy of the uncertain water and weather.  You are, in a sense, drifting alone again in the mass ocean.  It is unnerving to say the least.

And we lose our best/close for a variety of reasons, from a falling out to death.  At least with a falling out you stand a chance of making amends, provided you didn’t create too big of a rift that it simply cannot be bridged.  Death is a bit more, well, final isn’t it?

I’ve lost best/close friends because of distance, life changes, screw-ups on my part and unfortunately deaths as well.  Some of the losses have been all my own doing, some of them have been mutual and just couldn’t be helped.  Some I could see coming from miles off in the distance and others took me completely by surprise.

Regardless of the circumstances, I’ve always felt lost, confused and as though part of me is missing when this happens.  It is as if something has been amputated from my body when in fact instead it has been carved out of my heart.  I mourn the losses, cherish the memories and try to not make ghe same mistakes or hurts again.

Ive also always been wary of calls late at night or early in the morning because they never come with goodness.  I’ve never been afraid of calls at two-thirty in the afternoon before.  But there is a first time for everything I guess and this is it.

Beloved hasn’t been well, he had some type of an accident while in France.  His friend phoned me from France this afternoon to tell me that something had happened, Beloved was taken to the hospital  and everything is touch and go.

This is the loss I cannot think of, I cannot face.  To lose him is to lose my very best friend in the whole world, well I cannot fathom life without my compass and biggest anchor.  Thankfully I don’t have to face that today.

 

Playing Favorites

Beloved has a favourite chair.  It’s where he sits to read for pleasure and for work.  It’s where he writes, edits and marks.  It’s where he watches tv and movies.  Sometimes it’s where he sleeps although he claims he is only resting his eyes! 😉😊

Recently Beloved has come to realize how much he adores this chair.  The four-footed members of our family have taken seeking refuge in the chair recently from the rolling thunder storms.  When trapped, scared or threatened these members of our family become all teeth and muscle.  They also develop suction cups on their paws, bellies and tails.  No amount of lifting, pulling or prying can get them out of the chair when they have deployed the suction cups.  Bribing and begging also do not work.  They will remain in the shelter of Beloved’s chair until they feel it is safe to leave it again.

These daily storms have not only hit the pets hard, for Beloved is suffering too.  Suffering the loss of his chair.  Suffering the discomforts and out of sorts that comes from being banished from his favourite chair. No other piece  of furniture has lived up to the chair’s comfort.  Some pieces are too hard, others too soft; some are too small and others too big.  He just wants his favourite chair, but not if it means sitting on the pets.  The pets with teeth.  The pets with teeth that they aren’t afraid to use.

the worst part of this whole nightmare, as Beloved puts it, is that we will be hard pressed to find another chair like the favourite one.  In his eyes if we could get a similar one, maybe the four-footed ones could be fooled.  Somehow I doubt it.  But if this is the thought that gets him through the torture of seeing others in his favourite chair then I will bite my tongue and wait for the thunder to stop rolling and instead have the sun to come out and play.

Fretting Fears

I hate those moments when my heart gets stuck in my throat and fear rolls off of me in massive waves.  I’m positive every living creature within a thousand mile radius can smell it.

these moments don’t happen all the time, thank heavens.  But they do happen.  Mostly because I have this odd habit I’d be better off not having.  You see this habit of mine means fear comes to visit and I can’t always control it.  Why?  Because this odd habit happens to be the one that says I care about people.

You see caring about people means more scary moments.  It’s in the numbers.  The more people you care about the more times you get to be scared.

some of the scare is legitimate, like when dear people fall ill or worse tragedy strikes.  This stuff you can’t control snd they are just a part of life.  Other things can be controlled, if you can learn to control your thoughts.

normally if I can’t reach Beloved by phone, it’s not that big of a deal.  He may be busy and he will get back to me when he can.  But there are times, when he us traveling for work, that not teaching him by phone causes me to get the faint tingling of fear settling in.  The kind of fear that turns your blood to ice and your heart into a useless frozen lump, stuck in your throat.

Ideas, crazy and unimaginable mix with the very real potential scenarios.  I know it’s a bit irrational, but I can’t stop them when it happens.  I’ve had the, happen when it’s been me on the road, in a slightly risky place and am unable to call out on my phone.

knock on wood, so far it’s just been thoughts and fears, but we both know in a sudden shift of circumstances it all could become a reality for us.

That really the problem with caring about people.  It means putting your heart out There and knowing it will jump into your throat now and again.  The easy thing to do, tried and true, is to push people away.  The fewer people in your life, the fewer of these money’s you face.  It does, however, mean your life is a little less rich.  We ach make decisions about what we value and desire in life.  Some of us will accept more blood freezing moments because the payoff of wonderful people in our lives is worth it.  Some of us will have less people to reduce the number of those moments.  I’ve yet to find a person who has managed to eliminate these moments all together.  And that my friends, is a good thing.

Clearly Uncertain

Now and then I have moments where it seems I’m not exactly thinking clearly. It’s more like thinking through deep water or wet sand.  I know that doesn’t really make sense, but on those days it’s like my brain has to struggle through deep water or wet sand to form thoughts or connect ideas.

when these moments happen I find myself angry and feeling vulnerable.  And scared, very scared.  You see I like to think I’ve come to terms with living with lupus.  I like to think I’ve found a way to exist somewhat peacefully with this horrible illness.

And then lupus reminds me that she doesn’t play by my rules.  She doesn’t care that I’ve tried to come to terms.  She will have her pound of flesh or damage as the case may be. And while none of the damage lupus has brought to me, or still can, is pleasant, the one thing I fear the most is damage to my mental abilities.

In a way, my fear, gives lupus more strength and control of my life.  If I could shake this fear, maybe I’d be better at this whole coexisting thing.  But I just can’t comprehend losing my mental capacities.  I know people who have had this happen to them and I don’t think any less of them.  It hasn’t changed how I view them, so why is it when I flip this to myself suddenly my self-worth and value drops?

Is it because I do a lot of academic work and thus identify myself in a cerebral way?  Is it that I fear the stigma that comes with these issues?  Or do I fear just losing myself and all that I do?  Am I the only  one who has these fears?