I Heard It

I knew I was getting older. And I expected certain things to happen as I got a little more mature, shall we say. You know, things like vision issues, mobility issues. That kind of thing. I Am actually prepared for that. What I  wasn’t expecting was my hearing. It seems that I’m more sensitive to noises now then when I was younger. The lovely Doctor indicated that this can happen as we get older, but it rarely happens. The volume I used to listen to the television at now is painful to my ears.  So super hearing is surely on the way. More likely the nice man told me it is that I have more frequently headaches due to light  and noise sensitivity. Pity. I was looking forward to having an awesome super power. Not that the hearing would be my issue. But I’d take what I get.

But then I got to thinking will there come a point where every little thing is just too much or just too loud, too bright?  As I thought about I shared my thoughts with a friend who suggested that I just need a break from all the noise around me.  She said that today we are exposed to so much noise all the time it could just be that my ears are rebelling.  It’s a nice thought, one that fits with today, but I do wonder if maybe before one’s hearing goes down it gets more sensitive.

But I am going to take a rest from all the noise around.  I shall curl up with a lovely book for a while and listen to nothing loud than the turning of pages!

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Avoiding The Unavoidable

I’ve been putting off tomorrow’s appointment for as long as I can.  Now I have nothing against this doctor, honestly he is a sweet and helpful man, but I just have been avoiding seeing him.  Because we both know where this appointment is going.

I would have continued to postpone this appointment, but while trying to get a prescription refilled I was told I had to actually see the doctor this time.  Gulp!  Oh sure he will be his usual pleasant, polite self as he tells me we are out of options.  No more putting this off.  And I will sit there in that small black chair and grasp at some other straw.  Anything other than a hospitalization.  Again.

Last time we danced around this very topic I was literally saved by the bell.  The fire alarm to be exact.  Going off down the hall so we got evacuated and by the time I got back, I had figured out my strategy was to take another six months just to really test how the current medication was or wasn’t working.  I think because he was somewhat distracted by things, he agreed to my request.

Short of getting another fire alarm this time, I somehow doubt I can ask for another six months of poor results and further health complications.  And it isn’t that I want to get worse, I just.  Look it’s a hospital.  Not my own home.  It’s not my bed, not my things and not my routine.  It means needing help…more than I care to have.  It means being vulnerable..more than I care to be.  And none of these things comes with the promise of getting better.  If I’m lucky they come with the promise of being stable.  Which frankly would be nice, I suppose, but it’s been so long since I’ve been stable I am kind of comfortable in my instability.

Of course Beloved has decided that my instability with how lupus affects my organs may migrate to making me irrational.  Why else, he wonders, do I put off what can help slow down if not prevent damage now.

Of course it isn’t him going into the hospital.  The freezing cold rooms.  The noise and smells.  The routine not like mine, the insistence that I rest when I have much still to do.  The food isn’t the same, the dogs won’t be there.  Oh I can draw a huge list, but before I get too far down the road, I will spend some time seeking straws to grasp for tomorrow’s appointment.

Clouds, Sunshine, And A Lupus Day

A tiny puddle of sunshine stubbornly resisted being erased by the incoming clouds.  Somehow both dogs managed to claim the puddle for themselves.  Well let’s put it this way, each managed to get a few body parts in the sunshine. 😉

I wasn’t jealous of the dogs having the puddle.  I had no desire to let the sun splash its rays down on me.  Not today.  You see today I woke up feel like a truck had run over me several times and before a pack of wild dogs decided to play tug-of-war with my body.  In other words I woke up knowing lupus had the upper hand.  So I decided the sun wasn’t in the picture for me.  No sense giving lupus more fuel.

At the same time, why should the dogs not have their fun in the sun?  And if the clouds cooperate all the better I say!  See, a silver lining n every cloud and all that! 😉

So while lupus may have made me slower today, it was the perfect day for the dogs to rest in a bit of sun and for me to be out with them and have nice shade.  It also was the perfect day to rest so yet again the weather cooperated.  To be honest the only thing that didn’t cooperate was Beloved needing us to drop some stuff off for him.  It got in the way of the whole slow and relaxed practice, especially since it means struggling to get the dogs in the car along with the box of stuff he needed.

After that, we all deserved a bit of rest and relaxation so the pain would settle a little for me and the dogs could just enjoy!

Seeing With Closed Eyes

“It’s like anything,” he was saying as I tried to blink away the spots I was seeing before my eyes, “you can overwork them and they become fatigued.  Rest is in order.”  Not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Not exactly something I could comprehend, but there it was.  Rest.  The big elephant in the room with my lupus, the eye doctor and myself.

You know how some times words take form on your lips without you giving it even a passing thought?  As if they are a force all of their own?  I seem to have a lot of these moments lately so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I heard my own voice asking how exactly was I supposed to rest my eyes?

obviously reading all the fine printed material I tend to read doesn’t help, nor does working on the computers and tablets do me any favours.  Reading limited printed, in proper lighting was offered.  As was sitting with my eyes closed and just relaxing.  He even suggested cucumber slices resting atop closed eyes.

Eyes.  What next lupus?  What next?  Is there any end to your greed or need to show your power?  Why does this dance, nay, this relationship with you have to be so challenging?  Why must we struggle against each other, showing strength and will in some weird contest?  Haven’t you done enough?

These were the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head as I listen to the birds and animals.  As I feel the sun, take in it’s brightness behind closed eyes.  And somewhere, as. Think these thoughts I feel more of the fire fanning flames within me.  Some of the fire is lupus. Flexing her strength.  Some of the fire is my own anger or outrage at this disease and my own unease with it.

I must work my way towards fight the fire in a good way.  Surely this can happen easily as I still have more days of resting my eyes.  Surely I will find a way to see in other means, the way some other people can.

Sleeping Dogs

Somehow today we managed to sleep in.  Instead of being up by 04:30 we got up at 06:25.  It is possible, I believe, that if someone hadn’t needed to go potty, that we may have made it to 07:00!

In our house this is a huge issue!  One of our much-loved four-footed family members as what we refer to as a pre-sunrise bladder.  For some reason this member needs to get up and go outside just before the sun starts to rise.  And after he gets up, he isn’t interested in going back to sleep.  He wants to play, or snuggle in the rocking chair, or investigate with his four-footed friend.

This results in everyone being woken up to soft woofs, and whines.  These don’t stop until everyone is out of bed and in starting the day.  I know, especially if you are a night owl, that this may not sound like a great start to the day, but who can resist tail wags and happy doggie dancing?  Some how when this starts a morning, it makes me heart smile.

But today there wasn’t a wet nose, whine or woof to wake us up at 04:30.  And so we slept.   Well to be honest we both woke up, but heard two dogs snoring so we decided to go back to sleep for a bit.  Those woofs, whines and wet noses made their presence known at 07:00.  At which point Beloved and I wondered if both dogs were feeling okay.  It appeared as though ey felt fine, so we started off our regular morning, albeit a little later than normal.

Our extra early rises seems no worse for the wear, however Beloved phoned the vet just to be sure.  We were both surprised st what the vet said, which was “everyone, even early risers, need a lie-in sometimes”!  She also felt that both dogs had probably been over-tired from time walking out in the wet woods.  By walking I mean that’s what I did.  He dogs however were in a hurry to smell all the different scents; chase squirrels, birds and imaginary animals.  In other words they were running all over the place.  Not just running higher thither and yin.  But running while dragging their human boat anchor who simply couldn’t keep up.

The truth is, I’d be exhausted as well and probably need to sleep in.  It was also a longer than normal car ride for the two of them.  They don’t sleep in the car because they are busy looking out the windows and such, but after a car ride they normally fall into a deep sleep.  And since we got home late basically it was “bed time” not long after getting home.

It was a nice change, this little extra sleep, but it also made me feel lazy.  Not to mention  it made me feel as if I had wasted part of the day.  Beloved didn’t seem to mind the extra rest and unlike me didn’t feel he had wasted a moment of the day.  But he isn’t looking for a repeat day immediately because it’s just not normal!  He said once or twice a year is about all he can handle of this extra rest.

Sleeping Around

I’ve learned there are some people who simply can’t get a good night’s rest unless they are sleeping at home in their own beds.  I’ve also learned there are people who have no problem sleeping in strange beds.  Or places for that matter!😉

For me hospital beds are next to impossible to sleep in.  Of course for me, not only is it a case of the bed being horrible, but the whole atmosphere as well, including the freezing temperatures that seem to stay with hospitals.

Hotels also give me pause…I just don’t know how clean things are and the whole bed bug thing always gives me the heejeebeejees!  And now and yen I wonder what else has happened in the hotel room.  Okay so sometimes I just can’t control my imagination!

Beloved also shares my imagination when it comes to hotels.  Actually his might be more vivid than mine when you get right down to it!  Not only does he wonder about how clean it is, but he wonders about murders, drugs, deaths, and how many babies have been created in that very room.  Yep that’s my Beloved!

Of course this is the same man who has been known to fall asleep on a plane.  Using a perfect stranger as a sort of pillow. 😕  Okay so he’s only done that twice but still.  I mean who wants a perfect stranger’s bobbing head ending up on your shoulder for a couple hours?  Not me!  And some how he ends up with a sore neck when he’s done this and expects me to have sympathy for this.  My empathy is for the poor strange who ended up becoming a pillow to him.

Beloved has a friend who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, no matter where he is.  He’s fallen asleep in a busy restaurant, stopped at a red light and during a conversation with Beloved.  It’s not something he can control though, he has narcolepsy.

while recently out with him, he let us know that he had decided to no longer travel alone.  He was concerned about what might happen if he were to fall sleep in some strange place.  Would people take advantage of the situation?  So far he has been fortunate this hasn’t happened.  But he knows it could.  And so he asked if we wanted to go to France with him.

Frankly I wouldn’t mind some time in France.  I can skip Paris, but there are some parts of France I enjoy.  But it’s not in the cards for me right now.  Not given the way lupus is messing me up.  But I’ve got support here, so Beloved opted to take a break in France.

they will be staying at a small bed and breakfast, which for some reason doesn’t make Beloved’s imagination fire up.  I know the place where they will be staying, lovely comfortable beds that ensure a good night’s sleep.  Hopefully that means some poor innocent person will be spared being a pillow on Beloved’s return flight home.

Have no worries about me not being able to sleep alone!  What’s not to love about a whole bed to yourself?!  Especially when the bed is comfortable and inviting! 😉

You Sleep Where?

Young children, it seems, can sleep anywhere and through just about anything.  I’ve seen them sleeping during fireworks going off.  I witnessed a few fall asleep while eating.  And some have dropped into the depths of slumber in the midst of play.

I have been told that old men can do the same thing if given the chance.  I doubt old men fall sleep in the midst of eating or while busy playing.  Maybe they do.  If I’m lucky Belived will provide me with the answers! 😉

But somewhere along the lines some of us develop this weird thing.  This odd habit that prevents some of us from sleeping any where, any time, no matter how tired we are.

What happens?  What turns us from having a very natural thing, sleep, become a very private affair?  Why do some of us startle at a slight sound or the shifting light?  Why is it, no matter how loud and desperate our body gets for sleep we simply cannot achieve this if we are in a public place or away from bed?

Now lease don’t think I want to fall asleep  in my oatmeal, or when I’m driving or working.  But just once I’d like to have the luxury of knowing that if I needed to, I could sleep on a plane, or in a chair in the middle of the day.