Invitation Seasons And Lupus

A friend told me she has several  wedding invitations already for late spring and summer.  Another friend shared that she has a few requests for cabin/lake time as well as beach time.  Beloved also has received invitations for various outings for spring and summer, and like most people he won’t be able to attend all of them so he will have to make choices.

There was a time in my life when I had all these invites as well, however having to miss so many things due to health issues and such the invitations slowly die out.  I don’t blame people for this, I mean at some point you get tired of a certain someone cancelling on you last-minute.  No matter how understanding you are, it gets tiresome.  I understand that.

The thing is, being the person who is always cancelling at the last-minute I also find these last-minute cancellations to be tiring.  I’m tired of not knowing until the very last moment if I will be able to attend a gathering.  Sometimes I lose the energy while I’m getting ready, such as doing my hair or getting dressed.  Other times I wake up and just know I can’t make it.

But as I said, cancelling gets tiring to, as does the whole sense of being isolated.  So often  times I will push myself to go out and deal with the aftermath as needed.  Unfortunately that has meant being short-tempered, snarky and such with friends and loved ones; pain never brings out the best of me.

On one hand it would be better to just stay away from anything that requires an invitation and such for both my sanity and those I care about.  On the other hand no one wants to be ignored.  Except when there are a million wedding and party invitations during the beautiful days of spring and summer!


Dying Of Embarassment On The Road To Hell’s Intentions

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, or so they say. I’ve personally never been on the road to hell, not even the one in Michigan so I can’t say for sure what the pavement is made of or even what it’s like.

Of course people also say they about died from embarrassment and I can assure you, I’ve been more than a tad embarrassed and never actually died from it. I may have wanted to die, or at least have the earth open up a hole to I could fall into it and then have the earth just close back over again.

I had intended to walk the entire distance of the path today. I knew I wanted to walk it the minute my friend told me about its existence. Taking a page from Beloved’s book, I started to check the forecast to ensure I would have optimum weather for the day I went down the path. Today, according to the weather experts, was supposed to be the most ideal day of the week for the trip.

With a soft, warm glow to the morning sky, I made my way to the entrance of the park where the path begins. I brought with me just a light sweater to deal with the early morning coolness; I packed water and made sure I was wearing my walking shoes. I stuck my phone in my pocket and chose to listen to the birds singing in the distance as I started down the path. It was, in fact, a very peaceful and relaxing atmosphere.

Not even halfway down the path the sun dipped behind a cloud and the wind picked up a bit. I was grateful to have brought my sweater with me. To be honest I was feeling a bit smug about remembering to bring my sweater. The problem with feeling smug is that there is always something to bring you back to your humble senses. In my case it was an incredible downpour. From out of nowhere or so it seemed.

In less than a minute I was soaked and cold, no longer interested in walking the rest of the way. I just wanted to go home, get dried off and warm up with a nice drink. Naturally I turned to head back the way I came. And just as naturally my good walking shoes found a nice muddy puddle to go into. It was the kind of puddle that resulted in muddy water going more than half the way up my legs. And the rain didn’t seem to be doing a good job of removing the mud from my pants or shoes.

As luck would have it, or at least as luck goes in my world, when I got to where I parked, the sun was back out and shining as if nothing had happened. Except I was soaked, filthy and cold and there were more people in the parking lot preparing to go for a walk in their nice clean clothes, suitable footwear and water-repellent coats in hand.

No the earth did not open up to swallow me, I was probably too dirty. And yes I did want to die or at least hide right then especially because where I had parked meant I had to go past everyone looking like a disheveled drowned rat with squishy shoes.

Plans, Good Intentions And A Certain Someone, Or So It Goes

Today was one of those filled with great intentions and plans.  The kind of day where despite intentions and plans nothing went as hoped for.  Surprisingly is time it wasn’t due to Murphy’s Law.  Instead it was due to a person.  And for the record the person is not named Murphy, not even close to Murphy!

It started with the plan to make a lovely latte for Beloved and myself to go with our breakfast.  I was up a little early to make the lattes only to hear Beloved announce he didn’t want coffee today.  He explained he would be drinking lots of coffee while he was out in the morning later on.  So there went surprise one.

Whole he was out of the house I decided to make him a surprise for lunch.  So I got to work making the surprise so it would be just the right temperature when he came home for lunch.  He phoned and said he was on his way home, but he had added a twist to things by saying he was taking me out for a wee lunch.  So out we went for lunch.  I told him on our way home what I had planned for his lunch and he said he just had a feeling we should go out so that’s why he suggested it.

He said we could have the lunch for another meal, which was fine because what I had planned for our later meal, I no longer wanted after our lunch out.  So every little thing I had intended to do for Beloved today went sidewise or pear-shaped, but in a good way.  Because sometimes you just have to roll with the changes.

Cooking Exchange

About this time of year my mother would get down to planning her serious baking,  from breads to pies and cakes to cookies, she would create her list.  And then it was all about the shopping for ingredients and what had to be made last-minute versus what could keep perfectly on the counter or in the freezer.  The kitchen would start to smell wonderful, but it would be filled with the sound of “not yet”, or “wait” as my small hands would try to sneak a taste of this or that.

My kitchen, this time of year, is full of big intentions and recipes laid out.  THe intentions for the most part stay exactly as that…just intentions.  I run out of motivation, time or courage to cook these things.  I begin to remind myself there is no family for me to cook for, I don’t know where I will be and food doesn’t travel well so why bother.  And each year I vow the next year will be different.  There will be cookie exchanges and get togethers with friends and such.  And each year, it’s the same vow without much change.

So today I pulled out the recipes, and decided rather than have intentions of making them, I should try instead to share them.  That’s more or less what I can do and not have to lose motivation or courage.  So this year I will send out hand written/printed recipes to friends and share the cookies that way! Each person will get a recipe chosen just for them.  Well other than Beloved, who will get a list of recipes that we can make together!

Poo-Poo To Planning

Why is it that when you plan for things to be relaxed and laid back, all the preparation for that to happen seems so intense? Or other people feel a burning urge to help you ensure that everything will be laid back or relaxed. But the only way they can help you reach that goal is to first of all give you a whole armload of things that need to be done PRIOR to you relaxing?

I’m perfectly okay knowing that when I’m back from my break I will have a million things to catch up on and finalize and all of that. But apparently the very “in control” type of people require that all the work is FINISHED before you relax. Perhaps its fear that if you don’t do it in advance you will be too relaxed when you come back to understand the urgency of things.

I really just wanted a few days to enjoy some down time prior to school starting up into full swing. Keep in mind that this is what I wanted. Not what happened. Not what was planned. Because you see what happened is that I foolishly mentioned to some people, a handful of people whom I thought I liked, what my plans were. These people, who again I thought were like-minded, decided that some of the things we’d be working on AFTER the relaxation period should probably be addressed prior to my down time. Just in case things got a bit deeper than anticipated, that way we’d have a buffer of time if need be. Notice that this just occurred to these people after I said I was going to be missing for a short period of time.

So what really happened was an insane amount of scheduling and rescheduling as well as assigning actions to people for things to be done in an impossibly short period of time. This was followed by a meeting. A meeting where a lot of the people admitted they had not completed their assigned actions. Where other people completed part of their assigned actions, but only half-heartedly because we have lots of time don’t you know. A meeting where I finally spoke my truth and told everyone that I was less than impressed with them pushing things ahead because they were afraid I would be too relaxed. A meeting where some even else honestly said they felt more stressed since he meeting when the idea for the meeting was to have people less stressed.

Perhaps the trick is to do things just in time. Such as let people know just in time that you will be away for a little bit. Don’t give them too much notice as that will create issues. Or perhaps don’t plan for anything until it’s time to do whatever it is you will be doing or not doing…

The Garden That Wasn’t

I bravely went to the store and bought some herbs to plant in the garden.  Rosemary, basil, oregano, thyme, parsley, and dill all came home with me.  Well technically they were paid for first and then I brought them home with high hopes of putting them in my garden.

But I didn’t want to plant in a torrential downpour.  Although I guess I could let the pounding rain dig the holes for me.  But then all the soil would wash away.  I’d have clean herbs of course.  Beaten by the rain, planted in mud pits and now waterlogged.  But clean nonetheless.

So I put the little pots in my window and promptly forgot I was going to put them n the garden.  And surprise surprise, they seem to be doing well in my window.  Better in my window then when I have planted herbs in the dirt. In the earth, which is where I thought they wanted to be.  Obviously the soil is wrong here.

They like the soil in their little pots.  And apparently they aren’t fans of the weather outside.  They seem to like indoor weather much better than the normal outdoor stuff.  So I think I will keep them inside.  It’s not just that they enjoy it, but it makes it much handier when I’m cooking because they are right there.  It might be a bit too easy, given that I am now tossing herbs here there and everywhere.  But my taste-buds are tingling with new tastes!

Changing Intentions

I found a rather long list in the house today.  Almost as long as my forearm.  And it wasn’t mine.  It also wasn’t a Christmas list.  Instead it was Beloved’s intentions list.

Some people have resolutions lists, Beloved has decided intentions is a better name for his.  In 2015 he intended to be less of a workaholic.  He also intended to work out more, enjoy spare time and eat more healthy foods just to name a few.

Most of these intentions have little “X” marks by them, indicating ones he doesn’t feel he has met.  Some have lines to cross them out, those being ones he felt were too far-reaching or just not something he ever really intended.  Others have dates written by them, those being the ones he felt he met and the date he noted that he met the intention.

I find this a wee bit amusing, but it’s his methodology of changing habits and he does it for the New Year as well as the Spring and Autumn equinox.  And while it may be amusing to me, I must confess that his system works for him and that’s what matters.

As for me, I set goals in our ways and check I as I go.  I’ve found that journaling, as I carry on with my journey of inner change to be most helpful and confess that there have been fits of laughter at as I look back at some of my earlier entries.

However you set goals or make the move to change or improve yourself, don’t let those setbacks discourage you.  We learn from those setbacks if we take the time to examine where we slipped and other routes we can take that are acceptable for us.  The worst thing to do is to simply give up after an initial set back, however it is tempting.

The temptation is giving into the easy way, falling back to what is familiar and thus not changing.  There is nothing wrong with this, if you really have no desire to change or aren’t in position to expend the energy required to take on the journey.  Sometimes you do have to sit still, gather your energy and then move forward.  The key is to not sit stuck for too long I guess!  Oh and find the Humor in things!