Beloved is the kind of person parents hope their children grow up to become and I, well let’s just say I tend to remind people of the rules around exceptions. It isn’t that I’m a horrible person as per say so much as it is that Beloved is such a good-natured, kind-hearted, compassionate, caring and generous person that I come up with the extra short end of the stick.
So you see in a way it is his fault that we ended up trying to use toothpaste to scrub walls and dousing ourselves in bleach the other day. I certainly would not have allowed this to happen, not in a New York minute, but then I’m not the kind of person Beloved is. So when a friend phoned with an issue on her hands, namely she was suddenly in receipt of two tickets to an event she really wanted to go to, but found herself minus a babysitter I fully blame Beloved. For saying yes, without thinking and taking me down this path with him. Because clearly my life has been missing crayons, toothpaste, scrubbing walls and let’s not forget the bleach.
Children after all will be children and when crayons are your way of expressing yourself and you have some spare time, how can you honestly be expected to resist the tempting canvas otherwise known as the bedroom wall? (I say this because being the type of person Beloved is, he asked the crayon wielding toddler why she thought she could draw on the walls and she responded with “it was there” she mumbled something else and then announced “ the wall is pretty this way. Mommy likes pretty.” Kind of hard to argue with that type of logic once you figure out how their brains work.)
Now Beloved and I are not parents, unless you count the fur-bearing four-footed variety as children, for good reason. We are both kind of caught up in our own lives, which makes it rather challenging to provide a child all the attention that s/he needs. Hence when a noise came from the baby, a sound unlike anything I’ve ever heard before or since, we both went to check on the child. Evidently projectile pooping is a thing with babies; the aim is height and distance I suspect. And if you miss on achieving maximum height or exceeding previous distance records then at least aim your poop onto something expensive and important as far as the adults in your life are concerned. It will give you much more to smile and wiggle about.
Naturally with the baby managing to distract both of us with his amazing feats, his sister moved into unleashing her inner artist all over her mother’s bedroom wall. With red crayon which was ground into the pain, the plaster the very essence of the wall I dare say.
Some expert on the internet said that using the non-gel type of toothpaste, with a brush should slowly remove the crayon off the wall. The expert failed to mention how slowly or how hard one must scrub. We were no doubt high on bleach fumes, what with having to try to clean poop from the white carpet, the white chair and the child. The cellphone and legal paperwork we opted to not touch because a) bleach and paper don’t go together and b) bleach and cellphone has less than stellar reviews.
Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to be so kind and generous. If you ask me no event, no outing was worth our adventure. And in case you are wondering, the toothpaste did remove some of the crayon, but not all of it. Not before mommy came home. I think mommy may be redoing the house this way, new paint on the walls along with new furniture and carpeting too.