A silly smile was plastered on his face. His blue eyes were focused on something only he could see. And whatever it as, he was intent on it. So intent that he didn’t seem to notice the drool escaping his mouth.
In a way I envied his ability to be so caught up in one thing that he wasn’t aware of his physical discomfort. Well okay I decided leaking drool would be uncomfortable, but I guess not everyone feels that way.
His mother, apparently, felt the same way I did as she wiped his chin and blotted his shirt. Not that it stopped the drooling, but then it wasn’t his fault either. Apparently when your teeth are first coming in, some drool happens.
And, apparently as we get older and gain more awareness, we lose our ability to focus as intently as we can when we are infants. It has to do with our awareness and level of interaction with the world around us. The more we interact with the world, the more we are aware of items beyond us, the more likely we are to lose that intense focus.
As for the smile, while at his age, I doubt he had much to worry about.
A friend gifted me with a planner. The type of planner that is supposed to do more than just keep track of what I’m working on, need to be working on and what has been accomplished.
This planner, my friend told me as she thrust it into my hands, would let me reach weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. And it would help me save time, focus on things when I needed to and somehow just be an amazing journey. My friend knew all of this because she had used the same planner for a year and she truly loved it.
The problem with this is not in the planner itself. Lots of people live by them. Everyone says you need to have things written out to know what needs your attention and how much time you are spending on it. Most people will tell you that the act of writing things out, not typing them, will help you be more committed.
Here’s the thing friends. I’m not a planner kind of girl. I’ve had planners for years, thinking it would organize things, or maybe give me more time. And so I’d start out using these things, some of them almost works of art I might add. And within a few weeks, forget it. The planner usage was work.
I have my own method which works well for me. It’s not one that I would recommend for anyone. But it’s mine and it works. And as my friend explained to me how to use the planner with its tabs and stickers, she assured me that it isn’t that I am a mess. She just wanted to have the most amazing planner so I could have the most amazing plans.
I have amazing plans, some of them in the works, some of them in the planning stage and so on. I do have no plans though on what to do with this planner I was given. Or when it try to use it.
Play music they said. It will help you concentrate they promised. It’s great for recall they raved. Folks, they lied. They lied about it helping me concentrate on the material I was writing, unless I was supposed to be writing about the music, which I wasn’t. It did not help me recall facts or dates either, just songs I had heard.
Whoever this they are, this all-knowing authority clearly does not know everything. Or they have decided to advise me down the wrong path. On purpose. Except I do not get to provide my students with the lyrics to the song I was listening to rather than the facts or dates. I promise the final exam will not reflect my musical tastes, nor will there be any questions about specific lyrics. I don’t teach Lit, otherwise I might have been able to make that work.
So if you need to know the words to Blame It On Me, I might be able to help you, but if you need specific dates about when certain documents were discovered, you better look elsewhere. At least for now, until the little trick that they suggested I use empties out of my head. It shouldn’t take too long, just until the song becomes annoying or what have you.
Isn’t it amazing how the smallest of things can create the biggest issues for you? A tiny fly gets near you and if you are like me you must treat it as though an entire flock of Pterodactyls are buzzing at your head. (For the record, I don’t know if Pterodactyls ever flew in flocks or anything of that nature.)
I had the world’s tiniest speck of rock in my shoe, almost invisible is how I’d describe this rock in my shoe. And although I walk with the four-footed one on an almost daily basis, I wouldn’t say I’m a serious walker so the rock would be an annoyance at best.
So I ask you, dear friends, to help me understand how this tiny little even rock, this almost non-existent thing created a blister that covers the entire bottom of my foot? It is surely one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. Or as Beloved likes to say, something that could only ever happen to me and must be documented to prove it even happened.
I confess it’s a rather challenging place to have a blister as just standing makes the thing hurt, however if this is the extent of my silly wound I am sure I shall be fine. Especially since suddenly people are wanting to do things for me to keep me from being on my foot!
I took my four-footed companion out with me today. A small trip out to visit some folks in the countryside. Nothing too exciting, but you wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She ran from here to there and then over to this place and that place and back around again. She’d take a small break and start all over again!
Of course I don’t have a memory like hers. I try to live in he moment, but I am not living one moment to the next exactly as she does. And I do not have her incredible nose, a nose that rarely if ever misses the faintest smell of cheese in the air. Or meat cooking. Or new smells from animals, trucks, cars or bakeries. Basically she lives through her tiny, incredible nose.
And that same, tiny little nose seems to have no issue in snuffling out tiny mushrooms still Underground. Or a peanut dropped by a bird into heavy leaf litter. Or a small crumb of toast dropped on the floor at one of the house while she is in the other end of the house. Every single time she will target in on that one small crumb and zero her focus right to it. She doesn’t weave from one room to another when seeking the crumb. Nor does she struggle to find that dropped peanut or mushroom.
Perhaps if I had a nose like that I might be as excited about the outing. I was pleased by the outing myself, but not run around from here to there and back again repeatedly. Then again I wasn’t smelling what she smelled. Then again, her nose may be small but it works like something much larger than it really is. I guess she can’t help but be nosy with a nose like that!
Sometimes I forget how blessed I really am. When Beloved had his health crisis all I could think of was how to get him well. I was also aware that the world seemed to be crashing down around me, but I had to focus on his getting better.
When we came out of that tunnel, I forgot how fortunate I was to have him with me. I took his presence and his health for granted in some ways. Perhaps it is because he was fortunate enough to get back into his old routine so things just slipped back to “normal”.
And as we moved further away from his health crisis, the easier it was to put the distance behind us and thus step away from being grateful for each moment I have with him. I do practice moments of gratitude, but not enough. I’ve become completely aware of this now that we are far on the other side of things.
I am working on taking the steps back and pausing to consider what I have and what all I have been truly blessed with in my life. And you know what, sure we have the fear of a potential health crisis in his future, but it is just a small percentage potential, but ultimately I am truly blessed with what is in my life.
I am thrilled to announce that according to my mind and body tracking device I have managed to achieve more than three minutes of calm and peace. More than once even! I have managed a full stretch of nine minutes once, other times six to seven minutes. I am pleased to say I have held this tracking of peace and calm a dozen times!
These are major accomplishments for me. Granted I’m still no closer to knowing what that feels like when I am in the zone of peace and calm. I also can’t tell you when I’m in the zone of focus either. Although I’m very good in this according to the device. Once again I have no clue how that feels when I’m in that moment.
According to my coach, I just need to pay attention when the device alerts me to being in one of these zones. Here’s what I don’t understand, if I pay attention when I’m in this zone doesn’t it take me out of the zone? Or is this yet again another one of these things I don’t understand.
The only thing I do know for certain is that I do not find these moments of peace and calm, nor even moments of focus, when I am attempting yoga or meditation. Apparently meditation drives me to a tense state and yoga doesn’t seem to register at all. So am I doing something wrong? Is the device faulty? Or is this the way things go?