Different Dance With The Same Steps

Beloved works odd hours.  Mostly because he works more than one job.  These odd hours leads to some interesting obstacles when it comes to meal planning, not to mention other logistics.

We try to do mass cooking when he’s around.  And by we I mean him.  He tries to sort out several meals that can keep for a few days.  He also tries to “repurpose” meat etc. so he can make multiple meals after.  As for me, I tend to pass judgment on what he is planning.  (In fairness, he is the better cook out of the two of us and he’s not a fan of my creations for the most part.)

The problem with this approach is finding storage room for everything.  And once we get past that hurdle, the next big hurdle he faces is actually eating the food days later.  Because what sounded delicious on Sunday is totally not what he wants on Tuesday.  So he kind of hastily eats it on Tuesday and then lists after something more tasteful that day.

Enter a quick stop for more than coffee, such as a package of nuts or cake if the mood strikes.  And sometimes, if the disappointment was large enough, it becomes a package of nuts and cake.  Or maybe two pieces of cake. At which point he arrives home between occupations and bemoans his food choice.

And around and around we go with this.  I’m not much better in that I tend to not be a fan of leftovers.  So this means he is stuck with his food that seemed brilliant only days before.  But each week we do this same dance.  And each week he swears it will be different.


The Dirty Bits

Beloved, not being from North America struggles sometimes to understand why certain things are held onto as near and dear to the heart and other things are ignored. Such as the need to own one’s own piece of property and while ignoring how one can work oneself to death just to have the money to acquire land. He finds it amusing that people will put work before everything else to get the money for a down payment on land and then continue to work like crazy to make all the payments.

He grew up knowing that he wouldn’t ever really afford land. A small flat perhaps, but not a single-family dwelling unit that stands alone. Not one with a white picket fence and 2.5 cars in garage. So he didn’t spend his early adult years working three jobs for a down payment on something he would forever more be a slave to.

Then he came here and realized it was the thing to do. Own a house, own a piece of land. And he watched people he knew work insane numbers of hours at the cost of time spent with loved ones just so they could afford a piece of dirt. Dirt that ultimately does not belong to you because when you die, move or what have you the dirt can be sold to someone else. When he was first here he said that land doesn’t enrich anyone’s life.

And then we bought a small house. Very small. Too small really. Because it was cute and we liked bumping into each other in the hallway. (That got old, but we love the house so there is that issue still there.) And suddenly this man who claimed land does not enrich people’s lives is spouting all sorts of stuff about the need to feel the earth on one’s hands to be truly fulfilled. The man who claimed he did not need property now not only needs property, but feels a need to put his stamp all over it.

Wait until we have to move and say goodbye to our wee bit of land. What will he do then? Will he revert back to the comments about how land has caused nothing but damage, wars and strife or will he still feel the same? I wonder if he will settle for a flower box of dirt to put his hands in!

When You Ruin The First Step

Today I learned that I cannot follow simple directions when it comes to walking.  Oh sure I can do lefts and rights, but ask me to do the whole “left, right, left…” thing and forget it.  It’s ruined on the first step.

Sure walking is simple, but I have a foot I like to start with.  All the time.  Ask me to switch it up, or change the pace to one that isn’t within my normal routine and you might just as well teach me how to walk again. Sorry, I’m not really cut out for this forced uniform thing.  And yet when walking with others, just in an informal way, I tend to fall  into step with the other people and soon we are kind of in a loose uniformed rhythm of walking.

Of course this isn’t acceptable to some people. Mainly those who insist that we must walk in a uniform rhythm.  Just  not happening.  I know this for a fact now because little old me managed to break the formation’s movement six times before I was asked to leave.  Yep leave.  As in sorry, you aren’t cut out for this, but thanks for coming out.

Thankfully I do not have to make my living working in this tight uniformed fashion, nor do I have to worry about things like parades.  Instead I can just happily do my own thing and remind myself once more that there is concrete proof that following directions isn’t always as easy as you think.  Sometimes you can ruin it on the first step, like I did at a workshop for women in the military.

A huge shout out though to those who make the military their careers, no matter their gender.  Kudos to those who can follow the orders, thrive on the uniformity and take those risks.  Because otherwise folks you’d be stuck with me trying to figure out how to walk properly, never mind having to use a weapon or what have you.

Angles And Numbers or New Mathmatetics View

As I’ve said here before, mathematics and I are not best friends. We aren’t even in the same building most of the time. It isn’t mathematics fault. I’m sure all those numbers and formulas and theories are just lovely. I just don’t understand their language nor do I understand their thought process.

Because of my allergy to math, from a relatively early age, certain school subjects were less than enjoyable and yet they keep coming back into my life. Yes, even though I’ve chosen a career and a path that is not in line with mathematics in the least, those pesky numbers keep coming back! (I’m not talking about paying the bills, doing a budget etc. as I expected those would always be around.)

I recently attended a seminar about why people make the same choices in life and expect different results. The speaker started off discussing his high school dream of becoming a professional athlete even though he lacked coordination and skill in anything sports related. So, he’d try out for every team that had try outs and inevitably he wouldn’t even make it through the first round of cuts and walk away more discouraged with himself and determined that next time he would make it.

He didn’t know how to alter himself in a way that would let sports come more easily to himself, but he pursued his desires as best he could. And then, in his senior year, he made a team. Not because his skill had changed, rather there wasn’t enough people to field the baseball team.

From his initial success of making a team (he ignored the fact that they simply couldn’t cut anyone) to the end of the season he was determined to impact his fellow players. And he did. Just not the way the thought. You see he was the team’s biggest cheerleader. He was involved from the bench. And this energy was rather contiguous to the rest of his team members.

The speaker went on to say that he had found a force which overcame his bad decisions. I lost interest when he took a deep breath and said that in physics force is the thing that has the power to move an object in a different direction or change its normal course and proceeded to discuss, well, physics.

Now the speaker’s athletic abilities did not change, nor did the reason for the team choosing him. What did change, for his teammates was that despite him being a liability when it came to making plays, he made up for it by encouraging them. And when you can tap into that kind of encouragement, well you can overcome the impossible. You can decide on something and still change the results simply by your approach and how you view things. (Gee maybe I did get something out of the lecture, even though like most folks I guess I was expecting a magic pill rather than what I already knew deep down inside.)

So, dear readers, I’ve decided to slowly get reacquainted with mathematics. I am going in knowing I don’t speak the same language and I don’t think in the way the numbers work, but I am going to give it all a try again. Because if people in their 80s can learn something new, I can certainly learn to be more accepting of mathematics. Or so I hope.

Adequate In My Feelings Of Indequacy

As I’ve said before, I hate asking for help.  I also hate feeling guilty, two things that lupus tests regularly.  When my hands are giving me issues, I’m forced to seek help with opening of jars, carrying items and yes sometimes tying my shoes.  And is makes me feel guilty for taking away someone’s time for simple tasks I should be able to do on my own.  Except I have lupus.

I also hate feeling inadequate and insecure.  Lupus, at times, makes me feel highly inadequate in my profession, my relationships and sometimes just in living life.  It isn’t that people who have lupus a are adequate n these areas, for they are far from inadequate.  It’s just that sometimes lupus makes recalling things challenging.  This in turn can make discussions and debates a bit of a challenge.  While no one is perfect, I set high expectations for myself with the end result being that some days, lupus makes it hard to reach those expectations.  And when that happens, I  feel inadequate.

Because I need to rest more, say no more, it can make me feel inadequate in my relationships.  The need to weigh the importance of doing something with one person at the cost of not doing something with someone else, well yes this can result in feeling of inadequacy as well.

As for living life, well there are times it’s all I can do to get myself out of bed and grab a shower.  After that I have no energy left and so I sit on the sidelines waiting to be better. And it feel so so if life is passing me by.  And sometimes these things makes me feel inadequate.

However these are feelings, not realities.  Lupus does not make me any less adequate for anything I’ve mentioned above.  As a matter of fact in some ways lupus has made me more than adequate in assessing what is really important to spend my time on.  Lupus has made me more than adequate at fighting for what I want, my dreams.  I may feel inadequate, but I am anything but that.  I am stronger and more able to adapt to changes because of lupus.


We humans are creatures of habits.  We like consistency or at least routine.  Even those of us who claim we don’t, we do.  Want the proof, simply take away a standard routine in your day and see what happens.

Allow me to share, every Monday I receive a motivating and/or uplifting practice to try.  Yep believe it or I do try to add positivity and motivation into my life; having an unrelenting chronic illness can leave you feeling negative and unmotivated.  Anyway every Monday I get one of these emails in my inbox. I look forward to these emails even if all I do sometimes is just read the email.

Yesterday I received an email stating that author of these wonderful things is taking a break for four months.  Of course she is entitled to a break, but suddenly I’m unhappy.  Not because she is taking a break and not because I am applying everything in each email.  Nope that is not what makes me unhappy, instead it is this sense of being set adrift with no directions to follow.

My routine, those moments I spend reading the email and contemplating applying the information, is suddenly been messed with.  It’s not a big deal and I’m already over it, but let’s face it, when someone takes our usual parking spot, it darkens our day a little.  You have a favorite spot for your yoga mat and someone else takes it, well even if you won’t admit it to anyone else, it sucks.  Why because your routine, those moments of consistency and dependable results are somehow soothing.

Spoiled Apples

Friends I am more than a little disappointed in Apple.  It isn’t over anything major, which makes my disappointment even more frustrating because it’s something simple that could easily be fixed from my perspective.  Alas being I’m only one person with only one voice asking them to carrying something in-store rather than having to shop online, I shall be disappointed.

Apple used to listen to customers, Apple used to be different from the other big companies and that’s why I adored them.  Perhaps when you become a big organization you shift your focus and ignore the fact you built a brand through a cult like following of people.  Or maybe once you have enough of a cult following you don’t worry about that kind of stuff any more.

The thing is, Apple isn’t the first, nor will they be the last (based on history) company to forget about all the individuals that were loyal to them before they were anything big.  Customer service shifts from customer to what can be spun into making the customer want something and telling them exactly how they want it.

Sure it’s cheaper at times to buy things online, but I like to physically see and feel what I’m buying.  I know, I’m kind of old school that way.  If I can avoid buying books online I do because I like books with nice, crease-free covers and crisp spines.  I check for that kind of thing when I go into book stores. You cannot ensure you get that kind of result when buying online.

Beloved has decided he wanted to try buying his groceries online from a local store.  Yes this includes fresh produce.  He ended up being disappointed in the results because again, what he looks for and the whole experience was out of his control.  He ended up with some slightly spoiled apples.

No one wants spoiled apples.  Sadly my experience with Apple has left me with a sour taste in my mouth and not because of what anyone did or said, but rather because I am denied the shopping experience I wanted and expected from them.