What do you do when you feel like you are running on fumes and a million miles away from getting fuel? Some people might phone for fuel to be brought to them, but what do you do when you have no signal to make that call? Well some folks would find the means to walk to get some fuel. But I can’t even do that.
It’s all I can do to make it from where I have been lounging to the kitchen or to the bathroom. I just simply do not have the energy. I know that to some people that sounds lazy and I guess in some ways it may be so. The thing is, it’s a lupus kind of day. If you have lupus you know what I’m talking about. Those days where getting dressed feels like you’ve run a whole marathon. Or you want an award for having a shower. Maybe all you could do was brush your hair. Yeah that kind of day.
So with this lack of energy comes waves of guilt. Guilt about not doing anything around the house. Guilt about not being able to go above and beyond on things I wanted to do. Guilt that I couldn’t really walk the dog today. Guilt that I am not pulling my weight around here. And guilt that others have to pick up for my slack.
Now I understand that it’s not my fault and sometimes the best thing to do when you have a lupus day like this is just rest so you don’t make things worse. Logically this makes sense. But logic and guilt do not work together. Guilt just invites itself to the party and then tries to become the life of a party. So yeah, guilt doesn’t help matters and yet there is it.
So today I’ve just tried to focus on getting better. Getting my energy back enough that I can do some things around the house. I promised myself I’d pick up on my project tomorrow, imagining that I’m crossing my swollen fingers, that I will somehow be able to live up to that promise.
I have so much more to say about these days, but the truth is, I’m to drained to sit up and write more so I will rest again instead.