The Certainty of Uncertainty

I used to be so sure of me, a little hesitant about my next steps, but confident in myself. Life has a way of building a bit of insecurity into our lives, keeping us humble I guess.

Today, while I was deciding what to do for a new project, I realized that the girl who used to be so fierce in her confidence has somehow grown into a woman who pauses.

This woman pauses because she doesn’t want to make a mistake. History has taught her that mistakes take time and energy. Mistakes can cause trust issues, or at least put a smear on credibility.

The girl who used to just go for it in the name of learning and adventure would shake her head at the woman she has become. For the grown woman hems and haws, she debates and assesses only to reassess once more.

The woman is cautious, careful, and a bit uncertain. She knows now that there is so much that she doesn’t know about, that there are experts to contact or consider. She knows that the first answer isn’t always the correct answer.

The girl is somewhere lost inside, lost to the lessons of mistakes and needs to have more information. I hope she comes out again because I sure could use some of that boldness these days.

Never Enough Time For Shoes

She reminded me a bit of an elf, not that I have ever really seen one, but pictures depict what elves might look like.  It was a combination of her size (she seemed to be swallowed up by the very chair she sat in and the chair was ordinary in size) and her large expressive eyes.

She seemed just the person to sit beside while I tried to make me aching feet either go numb or stop hurting.  She told me she was 94, almost 95, and she still loved a good party.  But, she said looking at my fancy shoes, time passes by too quickly for painful shoes.  She lifted her skirt a bit and showed me her shoes, comfortable looking sneakers, not heels.  Years of parties and dancing no doubt taught her what was important and what could be changed up.  Evidently comfort is key to enjoying one’s self and shoes be darned.

I will have to keep that in mind next time I’m required to attend one of these parties and am dress shopping.  I need a skirt long enough and full enough to hide my shoes so I’m not stuck with aching feet.  Of course if I do that what are the odds of finding someone as lovely to meet and chat with as she was?

Privacy, Protection Or Something

Would you share your internet browsing habits with a group of strangers? Does it matter if people have access to how you spend your time online? I guess it depends on how you view things. People will cite the protection of the collective or the greater good must take precedence over the individual’s right to privacy, such as the case with child exploitation and such. Does that change when you discover that it’s any third party that wants your data and your internet provide decides to share that with them?

For the record my internet browsing habits are pretty boring and certainly nothing that I feel the need to keep private due to feelings of shame or embarrassment. At the same time what I do within the confines of the privacy afforded to me in my house is also sacred to me. It is the last haven for my privacy. And according to the government I could lose that too because there is a need for the greater good to have access to what I view online. Really I suspect it’s more about targeted advertising. And I’m sure that at some level, someone will tell me I just don’t realize how important this is to me; to have advertising customized or targeted towards my habits is flattering.

Except having advertising and such targeted towards me, which let’s face it already happens to some degree online, is not flattery, it’s just down right creepy. Of course I’m of a certain age, an age where not everything I do is immediately updated on social media so it may just be an age thing. Of course I’m also of the age that if houses in my neighborhood are being robbed, I’m calling the authorities first; I hear that these days the appropriate response is to send a tweet or update your Facebook page first. It seems like a natural response to anyone who spends the bulk of their time on social media, especially now that social media allows for authorities to act upon those posts or tweets.

For the record, I’m also of a certain age, or maybe it’s just a point in my life, where I want to eat my food while it’s fresh and hot; not after I’ve taken a million pictures and posted the best of those online.

So maybe it’s just people of a certain age, or a certain place in their lives that resent having more of their privacy stripped away. In the name of safety, the greater good, customized advertising or whatever else it will be called. And yes, I reckon that because I’ve posted this, I will be considered cranky and old by some for surely only those of us at this age or place in life would dare complain about such things

What Is It To Live

I  read an article that has left me in a state of, well to be honest I’ve no clue what state I’m in.  The article is about choosing Heaven over the Hospital  which can be found Here.

Now given my own health conditions I made a decision awhile ago that in the event anything should happen to me, I have no desire to be resuscitated.  I’d sooner have a shorter life, that is more filled with living than a longer life that means spending most of my time in the hospital.  These decisions are mine, based on my own wishes for my life.  I’d never impose them upon another’s life.

And I guess this is why I’m in a strange state after reading the article, you see the person in the article who has decided to forgo hospital visits is a young girl.. Five years old to be exact. Is that too young?

Her parents seem sincere in wanting to honor her wishes.  They have tried to get her to understand that this decision may result in the end of her life.  But how much does she understand when it comes to death or dying?  Can she really comprehend that her life will cease, she will not grow older or spend more time with her brother?

The flip side to all of this of course is that we have to consider e quality of her life.  Is it fair to ask her to hang on for the rest of us?  Because let’s face it, who is really comfortable with the idea of a five-year old opting to end her life?  Then again what would that life be like?  Sure she is loved, but is that enough?

Her parents anguish over this child’s decision is raw and easily felt as you read their story.  And yet they indicate that they will honor her wishes, let her make the choice.  And it’s clear that coming to this point hasn’t been easy for them, that their faith and beliefs are strength as they all wrestle with the finality of the decision. There is an honesty in how they explain how they’ve come to this point in their life as a family.  They don’t sugar coat it as they share their pain.  And they know that at some point somewhere, people will judge them.

Does any of us have a right to judge?  Do we know, really know, what it’s like for this family?  For this child?  Why is it acceptable for adults to make a decision when it comes to dying with dignity and not a child?  Do we fully understand what a child does or does not comprehend?  Let’s face it, some of us adults struggle with death with dignity and if it is right.  So when the decision is expressed by a child, a young child at that, it makes the wrestling and struggling with this topic that much worse.

And in the end I suspect a lot of us end up in a state of something we can’t express.  I hate to see the hope that comes with a young child extinguished so quickly.  But I also don’t think a child so young should be forced to a life without quality for however long that life is.  And so I’m torn.  But I do know, it is not my place, nor my right, to judge these people and heir choices.  And I know, no matter what choice is made, this child’s life is not easy.  Nor is the life of her family.  But I also know there is something to be learned here, that even in the worst of moments there is beauty, love and humanness in each life.  And that’s what we need to remember, to honor, cherish and hold onto.

Fingers of Time

A small tiny hand wrapped around a large finger. The owner of the small hand had no idea that the large finger, which was attached to a large hand could break free at any moment. The owner of that tiny hand only knew that hanging onto the finger meant the small owner would be safe and protected.

Fast forward some years and that tiny hand isn’t so tiny anymore, it impatiently taps a finger against a long leg, impatient to be off and away from the person whose finger once seemed so large. The once tiny hand is off to find its own way, letting go in a hurry to see what there just beyond.

Fast forward a few more years and the once large finger is now frail and thin. Swollen and misshapen with arthritis that once large finger and the rest of the fingers on that hand weakly grasp at the once tiny fingers, which are now strong and confident.

None of us can avoid this, the aging process. What we can do is assist those who are there already, allowing the, to hold onto,us as they tell us one more time the story about when they were young.

Time slips through our fingers so quickly, only we don’t realize it when we are young. We tap the time away on our fingers, count moments all the while never really seeing that it is time itself that is sliding past. And then, when we are older we can see it moving fast. So,e of us will try to hold it back slow it down and others will squeeze what they can out of it. But time moves on sliding through our fingers ever so quickly. Since we can’t stop it, perhaps the trick is to be fully present as we feel it in our own fingers.