It Can Be Hard

I like to think I can do everything for myself and that I don’t need anyone to do anything for me.  Of course none of us really can do everything in life alone.  We come into this world absolutely helpless and must acquire skills and lessons to do things for ourselves.

When I was younger I fought to do things for myself, and my parents used to tell me that the only words they heard me say frequently were:  “let me do it”, “I wanna do it” and “let me try”.   And thus I headed out into a larger world that didn’t always let me try.  Soemtimes this wasn’t a bad thing although I may not have agreed with that statement at the time.

I suspect this mildly stubborn streak deep within me is why I sometimes fail to stop and rest when I should.  I also suspect it is why I’ve managed to accomplish what I have while being chronically ill.  The need to prove my ability and such has come at the price of my health at times.

My medical team doesn’t agree with this lifestyle choice and have lectured, explained and demanded that I change this in myself.  I have tried, but years of lying about my health and how I am is hard to change.  Years of ignoring all the warning signs and pushing hard to accomplish things even if it results in a need to go to the hospital  afterwards becomes second nature and therefore challenging to not do any more.

But I must make these changes before lupus decides to make more hard and permanent changes to how my body works and functions.

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