Matters Of The Heart or Playing Pretend

She said she was tired of pretending that her life could carry-on as normal without him.  She said it was too much to try to smile when she was crying on the inside and no one seemed to measure up to him.  She said her heart still belonged to him and always would.

I know she cried a river of tears which had flowed into an ocean when they first decided to just get on with their lives.  I didn’t think much of more of it over the months since they separated, she seemed to be doing fine.  She is one of the strongest women I know and does not give an inch.  She is one of the most unyielding women I know when it comes to making a decision and yet here she was telling me that she could no longer pretend that her life was okay and that she had moved on from him.

A part of me wanted to  remind her how he had left her hanging while he was out in the wind.  I wanted to point out how many times he went to chase something that caught his eye while she waited for him. I wanted to remind her that saying no was best thing should could have done where he was concerned, but I remember the way she always looked at him. The way she looked now when she talked about him.

So when she told me what she wanted, that she was going to track him down again, I told her that I that if it made her happy or provided her with some sort of resolution than it was surely the right decision.

I couldn’t answer her question years ago about why she was attracted to a man who was no good for her.  I still can’t answer it, nor can I answer why he is the one who makes her smile and makes her look a certain way.   I don’t think love is a rational thing and therefore I have no logic to explain it.  But I do know what it is to find that person who makes you smile and steals all the space in your heart.  Sometimes you can’t explain things, it simply is what it is.

Those of us who can pretend that we don’t love someone or need that someone in our lives are cheating ourselves in some way, but by the same token we have to protect ourselves.  Do you take the short whirlwind romance and perhaps the loneliness in the winter nights or do you look for a logical choice?

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