Been A Long Time

Its been a long time since I’ve felt completely  comfortable with being here.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt as if this place is a part of my home.  There is no one to blame for this, it’s just the way things are. 

 I struggled to find my place here, to find my own way and identity within this strange land.  What makes it harder, of course, is how Beloved settled into everything here so easily.  But then he has friends here and has done some guest lecturing at the university so I believe it made it easier for him. 

It’s been a long time coming, this sense of self within this strange city. Finding my own favorite hangouts, cafes and haunts.  Frequently I can find a sense of home or comfort within a short period of landing in a city.  Perhaps because Beloved already had his places and that’s where we went I was unable to find any sense of home or comfort here for the longest time. And this realization has also made me realize it’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to relax, to settle down and feel at peace. 

 I am so used to flitting here and there, perching on a branch for a short period and telling myself I’m home.  But the reality  is different.  The reality is I have been afraid of finding home and favorite places here because it might just mean settling.  And to settle means I’d be a long time before I’d head back to the place that holds my soul as a home.  

We all have at place, a space that calls us home, feels familar and embracing.  Sometimes it’s a place from our childhood, or a favorite vacation.  Sometimes it’s a place we stumble upon, perhaps on a whim.  Regardless of how we discover it, we all have these places.  And now matter how long it’s been since we last visited, or if we’ve never been there, it is home.  And home has been a long time coming, the sense of it within my stay here.


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