The Buts

Sometimes it is the very last thing you want to do that is the very thing you need to do. And somehow you manage to get yourself to the point of doing that thing that you really did not want to do and then realize it wasn’t so bad and in fact helped you in some way.

Today for me that one thing that I really did not want to do was get out into the world. I wanted to let my hurting, exhausted body stay home. I wanted to be able to just give in to feeling sick for a day or so. I reasoned that I would then be able to get some more rest and hopefully be even better in a shorter period of time.

My heavy limbs liked the idea of just staying there, on the bed and not moving. But there is always a but in these things. At least in my experience there is. But there is the four-footed one who needs to be fed and walked. But there are papers to return and lectures to cover with such limited time left. There are people who have paid money, a large sum of money, to be able to attend the class and me not showing up wastes their money. And on and on the list goes. I can get exhausted just trying to chase down all those buts.

So I got out of bed, because someone needed to be fed and walked. A shower did not make that much of a difference and I struggled to make myself look somewhat human for class. I managed to get myself to class where it’s impossible to not get some of the positivity from the students, the same with their impatient energy. With these items, plus some coffee and snacks, I managed to finish of the day feeling a little better than when I first woke up.

Don’t misunderstand if lupus was really bad, I mean the flare of all times, there is no way I could drag myself anywhere. But it wasn’t the flare of all times. It was just lupus, again. And if I give into lupus again when it’s not being way out of control then what can I expect when it does get bad? Some of my specialists would say that this is actually a sign that I do need to slow down a bit, that if my body is telling me bed is where it should be then maybe I should listen to it. It might not hurt, except all those buts I found earlier. And because I do not know how else to fight it, I do not know how to take back myself from lupus other than not letting it define who I am and what I do.

Sure I’m even more tired and sore now. But I also got to hear some great ideas, interact with some interesting people and once again be a part of something so much bigger.


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