I was listening to a man on the radio describe running a marathon earlier today. He said it isn’t “fun” really. Some of it is fun, but a lot of it is just motivating yourself to keep putting on foot in front of the other, pacing yourself and ignoring the doubting voice that reminds you that your knees hurt and there is still a long way to go. He finished it up by saying you do it because at the end you have a sense of accomplishment and it feels good.
My mother use to use the same type of thinking when I didn’t feel well. She’d say just get out of bed, comb your hair, put on some clothes. She truly believed these daily things would lift my spirits and get me feeling more or less normal. They didn’t really do that, but it helped me feel less vulnerable. That’s why to this day I will put n makeup to go to a chemo appointment or dialysis appointment. Well that plus honestly ain’t no one wanting to see just how red my face can go.
There are days I wonder why bother with all these appointments. One of cannot get through life with without it ending in death. Why hold it back when it results poisoning my body just to live? Why think about things in terms of long distances instead of the short journeys?
The short answer is I do it because I have things still to do, places still to see and maybe, just maybe, touch a life or two. And because while I do believe in quality over quantity, the quality of my life isn’t at a point where it’s a concern. Not really. Sure the list of things I can’t do grows a little, but I’m not yet ready to finish. I’ve got some miles left to go in this marathon of life with lupus. It isn’t always fun, it is sometimes gruelling, but there is things to accomplish and feel good about. So I may never lace up shoes for a marathon in the literal sense, but every day I do it metaphorically.