Thrown For A Loop, Lupus Style

It’s not been an ideal day.  It started off with a dreaded eye appointment.  I used to enjoy visiting with my eye specialist, after all it was just precautions from lupus and the meds I take.  But then, well lupus happened.  And suddenly my eye sight has been failing me which has resulted in much-needed eye tests that weren’t pleasant.

And the results of the eye tests today were less than ideal.  They were actually worse than I had expected.  They were, in fact, worse than the specialist had expected.  He apologized for my results, as if he had something to do with them, rather than just interpreting and relying them.

We both knew that my eyes would show some signs of failure, we just didn’t think they would be as bad as they were.  But now we know, so we have made plans and new glasses have been ordered.  And we will visit more frequently.

Now that’s the positive spin, and it’s one I’ve shared with a few friends who asked how the appointment went today.  That’s the way I cope with lupus.  Except that’s not the whole picture of how I cope.

You see I didn’t just move right from disappointment to setting up more meetings with my specialist.  Sure his office immediately booked other appointments, but I wasn’t all sunshine or positive at first.  And oh no.  I was angry at losing one more piece of myself to this illness.  I was furious that the ,educations I take to control my lupus are partially to blame for my eye issues.  I grieved for my loss and I was (to be honest I still am) scared for my future.

However, I am still able to function and still able to be a face of, and voice for, finding a cure for the cruel illness, the chronic roller coaster that lupus has brought to my life.

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