Seeking Grace From A Chair Or My New Lupus View

I spent today in a chair.  A reclining chair.  With access to television, music and a reading light.  I spent roughly six hours in a reclining chair today, followed by a ride in a car and now more time in a different reclining chair.

Oh sure I’ve gotten up a few times as needed.  But basically I’ve spent the day in a reclining chair.  And I’m tired of sitting down.  But when I stand up I feel like I could projectile vomit and maybe, just maybe win a gold medal for the distance I’d get on the projecting of said vomit.  No I’m not sick.  Not in the traditional sense.  This is a normal treatment day for me now.

The latest arsenal in my lupus treatment involves reclining chairs, burning veins, feeling horrible and being tired of not being able to do much.  I seriously underestimated how this treatment would make me feel.  I told everyone I’d sail through this.  I was wrong.

I aced the whole getting into the chair, getting my IV hooked up and settling down with some reading material.  I assured the nurses I was fine, no need for ice or a cool cloth.  Ha!  Shortly after they started the IV my arm got a tingle of warmth.  Okay so it was new, but I had this.  Until the tingle went from just a tingle to a deep burn that had me wanting to rip the IV right out.

A nurse stopped by at that moment.  The moment I realized I didn’t have this and offered me a cool cloth as some comfort.  I wish I had graciously accepted it instead of the mess I was.  Still she provided me with the cool towel and some lovely ice chips.

And the burn traveled up until it seemed to fill my entire arm.  I could almost visualize it burn my veins nothing but ash.  Cooked from the inside out.  And just when I thought my arm would surely burst into flames or at least be covered in open blisters the treatment was finished.

Who knew it would take something so awful to make me more healthy.  Yep that’s right, I am trying to regain health and control lupus with toxic poison that has the nurses and doctors taking precaution when handling the treatment or me.

Now I could be really upset about this, because let’s face it if you are using something that’s toxic there will be side effects down the road with it, but instead I want to work on handling this with grace and dignity.  I know I won’t always be successful.  I know there will be anger, pain, despair, and giving up thoughts, but I still wish to master this with grace and dignity.  To remind myself that I made this choice, this treatment and therefore I can also choose to end it and face the reality that lupus is destroying organs faster than science can find a cure or way to slow this down.  But I’ve always banked on science so I will give it some more time, grit my teeth and be thankful that is isn’t the full strength poison hat some people face on a more regular basis.

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