It’s funny how empty your arms feel, after you know you will never hold a particular loved one again. All the times you’ve taken that warm, sweet, comforting weight against your body and just took it for granted that it would always be there. And then one day, one hard day, it isn’t any more.
I don’t think I will be able to erase the cold empty feeling in my arms grinds. I’ve tried, oh how I’ve tried. But I’m cold and empty and I don’t think my heart can be fixed any more. You see today we noticed one of our beloved four-footed friends struggling with walking on and off. And then it was breathing became a problem which resulted in the last ride together. The last set of cuddles and kisses, hugs and a struggled tail wag.
Holding my Sweetums for the last time while the medication took hold. The medication that put my faith companion, the one full of unconditional love, to sleep for the last time. And while I had my friend, while the medication went to work I thought I’d never lose the feeling. And yet I did.
The house is empty, too still and too lonely in some way. And my arms are ever so dreadfully empty, a strange feeling settling in that may never go away. And yet I’m blessed for this darling animal provided me unconditional love, support and a truth about filling life with all that you can in the moment. And now I’m empty from that.
The sweet weight of that warm body, the louder than normal snoring noises at night, the little barks in sleep and the demand to be included on every trip out the door…those are gone. But they live on, painfully right now in my heart. I know that as time goes by it will be easier and I also know I’m a better person for having been loved by my sweet friend. But it now, right now there is a void I can’t seem to fill and an emptiness that makes my very being shake.
did I hold on long enough? Did I hold on too long? Is it okay to let them take the loved one shortly after the procedure or are you supposed to hold on longer? To each their own, and yet we all go through this. Even though mentally I knew we were starting the long goodbye a few months back. Always I held out hope. And maybe hats why after a few moments I was willing to let the body go, for the life and the spirit of the animal I knew and loved was already gone.
This is why love sucks, this is why loving a dog is so hard. Because at some point we have to say good-bye, and I wasn’t done learning all the lessons yet. But the schedule wasn’t mine to make and now I can only try to recapture that feeling and hold a sweet bundle of tail wagging, unconditional love in my heart and memories.