Beloved phoned requesting my attendance at a talk he is facilitating on Friday. Part of me, upon him making the request, wanted to say sorry too busy. A small part. As in my inner child who carries all the times he was too busy for my sessions.
Another part of me wanted to ask why. Why invite me when I have nothing to add or bring to this as a participant? Why now? And really just why. I mean we are in and out of sorts right now.
Sure the asking of the why and the bringing up the past aren’t helpful. Nor do they show my support of him and his work. They do, however, show my insecurities and vanities. So I gave him a most gentle reminder that I would try to be there, but couldn’t and wouldn’t guarantee it. Because, well, lupus. Which he knows all too well.
I sometimes think lupus is the reason we are out of sorts. I mean he didn’t exactly bargain getting into the whole relationship with two entities. And Heaven knows I’m a handful all on my own. But with lupus it’s a bit of a dynamic duo thing in a not awesome way at times.
Lupus does create challenges in a relationship to be sure. In any type of relationship it can bring in issues. But it isn’t the huge elephant in the room that we all try to ignore. It may lead to other things that become the elephant we don’t acknowledge, but having lupus doesn’t mean a life of solitude. Unless that’s what you want.
What lupus does means in terms of a relationship is flexibility, compassion and all the rest of the stuff that goes with a regular relationship. It might mean a hair more work, a hair more frustration. But not a disaster.
The fact that we might be out of sorts, but still trying to sort things out, and he still invites me is a good thing. Because he already knows the reminder that with me…sometimes I bring along my sidekick and sometimes my sidekick gets in the way of invitations. So just as I try to make things work with lupus, he keeps trying to work with he two of us.