My mother always said you shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. It’s a waste of time and energy and there’s just no point in creating additional stress in life.
Of course those are easy words to say. My mother never shared with me the trick or the magic to actually not being able to hold the worries off. I suspect she never figured it out herself, but hoped that somehow by saying it enough times it would simply happen.
And then lupus came into my life. Suddenly it was only thing to do, worry about what might happen. Worry about how this would impact my life, my future. Worrying bout what type of future it would be. Worry upon worry about signs and symptoms and what on earth would happen next.
And yet, in spite of the uncertainty that lupus has brought to my life, it also brought me a means to simply cease worrying. There are simply too many things that could happen. And frankly chronic illnesses take up enough time as it is, why spend more time worrying about something that is your constant companion?
And perhaps it’s because enough other people are worrying about me. Worrying about lupus and me that I suddenly don’t seem to have to worry any more. It’s oddly liberating and highly selfish. And I can’t seem to make it change. It’s not that I want other people to worry about me, frankly life without worry for everyone would be ideal. But life doesn’t that work that way. Into every life some worry must seem to fall.
But for the moments that I’m free of worry, it is enough. Lupus will create enough worry again in the future and I will find a means to manage it. A means is always somewhere to be found, lupus taught me that.