When Denial Is Hard To Deny

I set out today with a list of things to achieve today.  Nothing  too exotic or too intense, just a few wee last-minute items for Belved’s Christmas.  A total of three stores, one item from each store and thankfully none of the items were far from the store entrances or tills.

I  felt confident I could accomplish what I set out to do, and I’d still have half the day to spend with Beloved.  And there in lies the problem, I felt confident.  Because the errands  weren’t too challenging.  Not for a healthy person.

But I have a bad habit of under-estimating lupus.  It may be a form of denial to be honest.  How else do you explain all the years I’ve lived with this illness and still can’t figure it out?!

So I started out full of hope and energy.  I made it to the first stop no problem.  Located the item, stood in a small line and paid for said item.  Then I hopped in the car and headed to destination number two.  Somewhere in the driving I lost some of my energy and most of my enthusiasm.  But I made it to the store, parked the car and realized things had changed.

no spring in my step, just a sheer determination to get what I needed and get out.  I located the item stood in a much longer line and realized item number three was a no go.  Not today.  It was all I could do to get home and try to smuggle the gifts into the house without him knowing.

This is the part I hate, the not having enough energy to share with others, to spend with loved ones.  And the thing is, I can never truly figure out exactly when I’m running low until I’m just about there.

I feel as though I’ve let him down, as though I can’t keep promises and am unworthy of his love.  Which, he constantly reassures me is utter bunk.  But sometimes bunk is so easy to believe, especially when I’m in the midst of lupus being in charge.

hopefully the bunk leaves with lupus soon and I can finish my today’s list tomorrow or so!


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