Beloved has decided we simply must get in the holiday spirit regardless of health issues or the uncertainties of these times. Of course by we he really means me. 😉
Lets face it, Beloved, is already in the spirit. It is oozing out of his being, infecting the air he exhales and moves around in. Wait. That sounds kind of, well, disgusting doesn’t it? What I mean is he is all Mr. Christmas, goodwill, peace on earth and Hilda’s baking. Yep he’s all that all rolled into one being. Oh and before I forget, he is also the excitement barely contained by a small child as the countdown to Christmas begins.
Somewhere along the way I shrugged all of that off. Sure I gather a glimmer of it on Christmas when around Beloved and some other dear friends. I believe I traded that in for the excitement and joy when I get a little ahead of lupus. I know, that’s silly, but it’s what I think happened.
I’m not saying people who have chronic illnesses cannot or do not enjoy these festive days. I’m not saying that we are unable to have the spirit fill us and wrap itself around us. I’m just saying that I ink somewhere along the lines I’ve traded in a good portion of my joy and merriment of Hesse days for the relief of knowing I’m finding remission with lupus.
The problem with this belief structure is that remission is a rare thing for me, so I trade-off good times for the long off, almost elusive, joy of remission. Honestly I know from a logical point of view it is possible to have both. I’m just afraid that I don’t deserve both and to be honest, I’m afraid I will make remission even more elusive. Silly I guess, but there it is.
This time of year also makes me feel inadequate in doing things, gathering things and being on top of it all. Basically this time of year, when lupus is running free, I feel a little less capable and a little more wrapped in lupus. Not the type of wrapping up I really enjoy.