Against my judgement, I tried another round of guided meditation. My coach thought we may be onto something with my almost reaching calm. A break through of sorts. So off I went, somewhat curious as to what may happen, but doubtful that I would achieve the goal.
I know myself, I know my weaknesses and strengths and I am simply no good at this meditation stuff. I am, well, broken in a manner of speaking. I don’t have time to do this as there is so much more that I have to do, so many more things that need attention and this just seems frivolous.
I also know I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to doing some things. I allow the critical voice from within start to speak more loudly, as the critical eye from within begins to find the proof as to why my doubt is so rightly justified. Both of these are a part of me, a way of keeping myself safe from shame, humiliation and judgements. In some aspects these are good things. But these are the very things that get in the way of trying something much beyond my comfort zone.
Needless to say I did not achieve peace or calm and I was no closer to either this time compared to last time. The obvious answer is for me to get out of my own way to achieve this goal for, well, the whole of me. It sounds so simple, and I’m sure that for some people it is. But the more that I try to reach beyond my comfort zone he more my self-doubt rises to become a truth.
My self-doubt is stubborn and strong. My desire to change, to reach this goal, must be stronger to over come this tendency. Of course Rome wasn’t built in one day, so building this change within won’t happen in one day. Now destruction or tearing down? That seems to be an easy task to my internal, most critical self. I’m pretty sure the critical side of me is at expert level of cultivating and finding self-doubt!
So maybe the key is to find more moments of almost clam and slowly, ever so slowly, inch towards peace and calm. If not via guided meditation than perhaps something else. I’m pretty sure I’m having onto too much focus and tension because it’s what feels right, or is familiar.
That’s it, I am but a shy onion. A shy onion who is slowly and carefully peeling back a layer at a time. Okay not even a whole layer, but you get the picture!😉