My specialist happily insisted I get a massage, his theory is this may help reduce my pain levels as it works out tension and knots and leaves me with variety of pan lupus brings.
I’ve put off the massage for a bit because I really don’t want one. Well it may in fact be a little more a case of I really don’t want to go through my medical stuff with a massage therapist. And I’ve no desire to be judged, even if it is only in my imagination that is judgement is taking place. Not that I ever come out and admit to these. Oh no! Wrap my rash ing up in ribbons of logical excuses. If only I wasn’t so busy right now, is good for a few times. Once the _________(fill in the blank as you see fit) is done, then I will have time to get this done. Thst works for a period of time nicely, I mean who can argue with marking final papers, holidays etc.? It’s hard to fit into my schedule, another good one if you don’t have a typical work schedule. And those are just a few of the pretty excuses I trot out to my specialist.
After my last visit where I offered up a lovely wrapped reason for why I hadn’t had a massage, my specialist rocked back in his chair, steepled his fingers and said that he understood completely. What he didn’t understand was what I expected him to do if I wasn’t going to see if this worked or not. He reached into his desk’s bottom drawer and dug out a toy magic wand. He told me that even if I believed that he could get rid of the pain by simply waving the wand at me, he’d be no closer to solving he real issue of my pain. But if that was the type of care I wanted, he could provide that until he could find a different specialist to take my case on.
In no uncertain terms he was telling me her he had come to e point where he simply wouldn’t accept another wrapped excuse. Maybe he ran out of room for storing them. Maybe he was tired of always getting a gift of sorts. Maybe he had just had enough full stop.
What a girl to do? Well I guess we each decide what works for us in our own way and for me what worked for me was opening up to these silly fears. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but for me it was a huge deal to shed all those stories and excuses and just be straight about why I hadn’t made the appointment.
Once i laid those words, fears, concerns or whatever out there, they didn’t seem so big any more. I made the appointment, went, and when I had my next visit with my specialist told him my thoughts. He shared with me that the therapist found the knots in my muscles to not be as big as she had been expecting. She didn’t think that the pain I described to her would ease with her massaging those knots out. But she did note that some of my pain was from how I held myself in a form of protection from the other pain.
This experience has me thinking how often do I gift wrap up my excuses with logic or reasons that are vague enough to work, but happen far too often? Why is it easier to hide behind these than give voice to the fear, concern or vulnerability at is at the heart of these offering up of these excuses?