friendly problem

The problem with friends is that sometimes they force us to confront real hard facts about ourselves.  Okay so technically not a problem so much as just a painful reality check that we all need time from time.

A dear friend whom I haven’t seen in a while insisted we have a visit.  I haven’t seen her in a few months due to health and schedule issues, but we’ve exchanged texts during that time.  So have a visit we did.  And the visit went like they usually do, great fun and sharing.

And as usual my friend pointed out that I seem to have a problem I’ve never really been able to fix.  I’m good at helping others, encouraging and supporting the, through their health troubles.  I suck at taking care of myself with my issues with lupus.

I don’t just suck at taking care of myself, I just flat-out don’t do it.  At all.  Not really.  Sure I want to live life to its fullest, squeeze life out of every moment, but to me it’s quality more than quantity.  My friend just does not understand this on my part.  To her I can have a good life, a full life and a long life.  If I just take care of myself.

But I don’t.  She doesn’t ask me how I’m going to change this.  She just asks in her gentle quiet way, why I do this to myself.  She doesn’t want an answer, she wants me to answer that for myself and see what I find.  The thing is, I know the answer to that question.  I just don’t do anything about it because well, if you knew the answer you’d know why I leave it as it is.

Prior to the first few times she asked me this question I never really gave it any thought. It was just how things were, shrug your shoulders and move on.  But after she asked a few times, I forced myself to think about it and find the answer, just for myself.  There is power in having that answer, but according to her if I don’t do anything with my answer then the power of the answer is meaningless.  To her maybe, but to me it is more than enough and I’m fine with that.

I’m grateful for her making me look at this question and even more grateful that she accepts that I have made my choice and my peace with my choice.  She has assured me this is a two-way street, although I’ve never seen it.  But I guess that’s the magic of friendship and love.

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