In The Pictures

Beloved’s family is one of those families that strong believes in documenting moments.  Capturing moments to savor later on.  In other words they take way too many pictures as far as I’m concerned.  😉 (Not that I don’t mind, provided they don’t capture my image!)

My family on the other hand is close to deathly allergic to photos.  That probably explains why Beloved squealed with joy upon discovering a few pictures in my belongings.  Most of them were group pictures of friends and myself.  From many years ago.

As he flipped through the photos he asked me about the “American Dream” and if I felt cheated from it in some way.  He held up a photo, one I barely remember having been taken.  One where my future stretched endlessly beyond me with so many possibilities.

I don’t honestly remember that person that I used to be.  The one who had a dream to be set in her career and happy with her partner.  She probably did want a white picket fence of some sort around a lovely house.  Did she want the fancy cars and house?   I dint really know.  The only think I can remember is that she wanted to have a life that allowed her to come and go as she pleased.

But life shifts and shakes, creating curves, ripples and canyons in your life.  So a promising, smooth road suddenly has cracks and holes in it and soon it isn’t even paved.  Nice house?  Sure maybe.  White picket fence?  Who has time to paint that?  Set in a career? Yeah let me know what that’s like.  Happy with my partner?  I am now, but heavens the ones I had to go through to get this one! 😉

But come and go as I please?  Well just about.  I suppose if I was fully self-employed I might be able to do that.  I suppose no one really does come and go as s/he wishes unless money is no object.  But the one thing I’ve never wanted, although I’ve tried, is to accept a life of poverty.  I struggled to live it, realized it’s not me and I don’t like the limitations it brings to you.

I Suspect that girl who brazenly smiled into the camera while holding hands with a brash, confident young man wouldn’t want or accept the life I’m living now.  After all, I believe that young man wanted to have a horse ranch.  And that girl is a bit like me, city girl to the core.  I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t enjoy the ranch life and you can only feed the horses so many carrots!😊

But I’m comfortable with my life the way it is now.  I think, when we are younger, we aren’t as comfortable because we are still trying to find our authentic selves.  Once we find who we are and what we stand for…comfort seems to come naturally.

I envy that girl all her possibilities, marvel the path she has taken to be the woman I am today.  But I don’t really know that girl.  Not really because I doubt she really knew herself.  So in a way that picture that Beloved found, the one who made him ask the question, isn’t really a picture of me.

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