Fretting Fears

I hate those moments when my heart gets stuck in my throat and fear rolls off of me in massive waves.  I’m positive every living creature within a thousand mile radius can smell it.

these moments don’t happen all the time, thank heavens.  But they do happen.  Mostly because I have this odd habit I’d be better off not having.  You see this habit of mine means fear comes to visit and I can’t always control it.  Why?  Because this odd habit happens to be the one that says I care about people.

You see caring about people means more scary moments.  It’s in the numbers.  The more people you care about the more times you get to be scared.

some of the scare is legitimate, like when dear people fall ill or worse tragedy strikes.  This stuff you can’t control snd they are just a part of life.  Other things can be controlled, if you can learn to control your thoughts.

normally if I can’t reach Beloved by phone, it’s not that big of a deal.  He may be busy and he will get back to me when he can.  But there are times, when he us traveling for work, that not teaching him by phone causes me to get the faint tingling of fear settling in.  The kind of fear that turns your blood to ice and your heart into a useless frozen lump, stuck in your throat.

Ideas, crazy and unimaginable mix with the very real potential scenarios.  I know it’s a bit irrational, but I can’t stop them when it happens.  I’ve had the, happen when it’s been me on the road, in a slightly risky place and am unable to call out on my phone.

knock on wood, so far it’s just been thoughts and fears, but we both know in a sudden shift of circumstances it all could become a reality for us.

That really the problem with caring about people.  It means putting your heart out There and knowing it will jump into your throat now and again.  The easy thing to do, tried and true, is to push people away.  The fewer people in your life, the fewer of these money’s you face.  It does, however, mean your life is a little less rich.  We ach make decisions about what we value and desire in life.  Some of us will accept more blood freezing moments because the payoff of wonderful people in our lives is worth it.  Some of us will have less people to reduce the number of those moments.  I’ve yet to find a person who has managed to eliminate these moments all together.  And that my friends, is a good thing.


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