Clearly Uncertain

Now and then I have moments where it seems I’m not exactly thinking clearly. It’s more like thinking through deep water or wet sand.  I know that doesn’t really make sense, but on those days it’s like my brain has to struggle through deep water or wet sand to form thoughts or connect ideas.

when these moments happen I find myself angry and feeling vulnerable.  And scared, very scared.  You see I like to think I’ve come to terms with living with lupus.  I like to think I’ve found a way to exist somewhat peacefully with this horrible illness.

And then lupus reminds me that she doesn’t play by my rules.  She doesn’t care that I’ve tried to come to terms.  She will have her pound of flesh or damage as the case may be. And while none of the damage lupus has brought to me, or still can, is pleasant, the one thing I fear the most is damage to my mental abilities.

In a way, my fear, gives lupus more strength and control of my life.  If I could shake this fear, maybe I’d be better at this whole coexisting thing.  But I just can’t comprehend losing my mental capacities.  I know people who have had this happen to them and I don’t think any less of them.  It hasn’t changed how I view them, so why is it when I flip this to myself suddenly my self-worth and value drops?

Is it because I do a lot of academic work and thus identify myself in a cerebral way?  Is it that I fear the stigma that comes with these issues?  Or do I fear just losing myself and all that I do?  Am I the only  one who has these fears?


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