When Fine Isn’t

It had started with the simple words, “sure, I feel fine”.  Only now it isn’t  fine, none of it is, but it’s too late for that.  Actually I tell a wee lie, it started with a friend telling us how great it was spending days on the water or land not stuck to a clock or schedule.

This romance of leaving the world behind for a bit is really what set the ball rolling on Beloved’s part.  The words were what set the ball rolling on my part.

I forgot, you see, that being out on the lake at the cabin meant being away from the things like stores and doctors.  And I also forgot that lupus, true to form, loves a trip into the wild.

the drive out had been pleasant, as had the setting up of the cabin and the first wee outing on the canoe.  The first night had been lively but uneasy because of the silence.  We hit up the same as in the city and set about our first day there as normal.  After that we fell into an easy rhythm, and that lull of lazy days let lupus sneak up.

I gave up the water first, my joints feeling as if full of crushed glass, grinding and burning.  Besides my hands too swollen now now hold a paddle made me useless.

He took short trips on the water, connecting to a much-needed peace.  I spent my time near and in the cabin, sometimes curled up in a ball of pain and frustration.  Other times just hoping things would slow a bit.

He took over the cooking and cleaning and at times helps me move around.  I am not fine now, it isn’t fine  Not that being in the city would change any of this because it wouldn’t.  The only change would be me fighting to avoid the hospital.

What isn’t fine, whet I cannot adjust to is being so dependent on others.  I’m not fine with missing out on things.  Most if all I’m not fine with this being what is our life at times.

An animal, in the wild, knows when it is time to simply go away.  I’ve often said and thought that I’d do the same.  I’d provably last a New York minute at the most because I’m unable to manage on my own when lupus comes out to play.

What I’m really not fine with is that I’m such a burden to others.  I’d rather not be that, is rather be strong and independent and yet I know there is strength in letting others help.

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